Acting out

[Dawning]

Has anyone *acted out* their pain and frustration as a result of being rendered voiceless?

In my case, I acted out when I could not get my needs met as a child.  As I came into contact over the course of life with *normal* people, I didn't know how to express my *normal* needs and I suppose people thought I didn't have them.  Then, inevitably, something would happen that would make me angry (because I wasn't getting my needs met) and I would again *act out* the frustration.  And/or I would attract similar people to me and it was just a never-ending drama scene.  I am pulling back from those types of people now.  Letting in the healing powers and being honest about what my needs are and listening to others share theirs.

I would be interested to hear how board members have acted out.  Not necessarily in the area of unmet needs but in any way.

[flower]

As a child I knocked over chairs and slammed doors and threw things but not at people.

[Anonymous]

I still act out when I'm in a fragile state. Tantrums - slamming doors, screaming, hysteria. This only happens a couple of times a year. It used to be every week at least. Medication really diminished it. Acting out isn't a good idea within a marriage. I wanted it to stop.

thanks for bringing up the topic.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Dawning,

All the nonNs in my family sandbag. Then bam! one day it all comes out.

I would also convince myself that I "didn't need" whatever it was, because that's how I was programmed.  "Don't want, don't need".  I have an extremely hard time spending money on myself, although I am generous with others.  

These days, due to more awareness of this programming, I really act out whenever anyone, esp. my poor H, says anything that remotely suggests that I need to justify my existence, anything that sounds like "what did you do for ME today?"       I'm really FED UP with that. (I am middleaged, hear me roar!)

Good topic, thanks.  Seeker

[P as guest]

Maybe I felt I didn’t have a voice at all at the time. Maybe that’s an excuse. But I used to “love the sound of breaking glass” as the song went. I don’t know why I did it. But the crashing splintering was a kind of release. I guess it changed whatever people were doing. Stopped whatever was happening. Didn't do it too often.

I’ve slept with men just because they wanted to sleep with me (I had no idea whether I liked them or not, them just paying me attention was enough for me). It’s all acting out.

Yeah, drama scenes. I picked up ‘women who love too much’ at the weekend (as recommended many times on this board) and see my past self there. Mistaking obsession for love, treating any relationship like a drug, being on a high of suffering/ecstasy and being ‘bored’ with good, dependable, human men. So many women do it. It’s almost acceptable. It’s difficult coming to terms with the idea of suffering being bad. I definitely feel like I have to earn the right to be happy.

I think so much of what we do – where we live, our work, our relationships…it’s all acting out. It’s all we know - until we find out there really are other options. Then the prospect of real freedom is terrifying, to me. Best D, Portia

[Singer]

I agree with Portia that much of what we do is acting out. I think the difficulty is in recognizing that it's acting out when it's occurring.

Like I know now that I went through a time in my early twenties when I was acting out against my Nmother's perception of me as a bad person (for going out into the world and finding new relationships.) My thinking went along the lines of "If you think THAT'S bad, I'll show you BAD." But that only lasted about a year.

After I had proved that I could be bad, I did a turnaround and tried to be the perfect wife and the perfect mother. Well, maybe not the perfect wife so much, but definitely perfect motherhood. But I didn't realize that was also acting out in the sense that I wanted to be a better mother than my mother had been, more understanding,more loving, more generous. "SEE Mom, THIS is how a mother should be." That didn't work out too well either. The husband bailed, and I think I confused the heck out of my kids. Thankfully they seem to have survived, for the most part.

And now my new thing, if I'm recognizing it correctly, is trying to prove that I don't need any of the things my Nmother values. No big house, no "real" furniture; dead-end job, no problem. It's all still acting out and I'd like to stop. But it's less risky to succeed at underachieving than it would be to fail at succeeding. Or something like that. I'm succeeding in giving myself a headache.

Singer

[BlueTopaz]

Hi there Dawning...

I acted out tons as a child, particularly in school.

As I got older I stopped acting out in school but it was replaced with withdrawal and an anxiety disorder.  

Though, I acted out again when even older (20’s)in a long term relationship I was in (over 12 years ago) with fits of anger, throwing things, sulking, silent treatment, being completely unreasonable, extreme moodiness…  The relationship brought out all the meat of my childhood stuff...

I believe I did so because I felt helpless, voiceless, worthless, and hopeless for any change.

Thank god… I have remained friends with this person all these years, and when I came into deeper awareness, was able to sit him down, and in tears of pain (because I felt soooo bad) apologize for everything, naming specific wrongs I did, in detail, and explaining where I felt it all came from..   Very healing for us both & changed my life for the best (I would have always felt so, so bad about this).

Nowadays, what I have to fight not to act out (become overly angry) about, is when I feel disrespected, as this is a voicelessness issue for me.   The feeling of being disrespected taps in to all kinds of things for me, like being judged as unintelligent, worthless, misfit…   which I relate to “invisible” and voiceless.     I also know though, that I am much too sensitive to this issue, and see some things with skewed perception, and more personalized, where they are not.  I guess this is the usual way it goes with deep seated issues.

These times are becoming less as I continue to work on myself, but  they still do happen, no doubt about it.  

I can also relate to people not being tuned into my needs, because I never voiced them.   I wasn’t used to it.  I would see to it that the conversation & energy would always focus on other people.   I was hurt that people were not there for me when I needed them, but it was completely because I had never set it up that way.   I’d never presented as someone who had needs!  

I’ve changed that somewhat, but only over about the last 3 or so years.   I can voice needs and ask for support fairly comfortably (and it’s wonderful), but in the offline world, I still need to have more balance between self-disclosure and talking about other’s lives.

BT

[Anonymous]

Hi Singer

trying to prove that I don't need any of the things my Nmother values. No big house, no "real" furniture; dead-end job, no problem. It's all still acting out and I'd like to stop. But it's less risky to succeed at underachieving than it would be to fail at succeeding. Or something like that. I'm succeeding in giving myself a headache.

Trying to prove anything, not for ourselves but to another person, won’t ever be success will it? Success is doing what we want to do?

Big house = big upkeep costs, big stress.
Real furniture (? antiques? New stuff?) = not meant for sitting on, using, just objects that outlive the owner.
Dead-end job? Will it give you a heart attack? Many super-achieving jobs do. *Dead*-end!

No problem. Problem is: knowing what makes us happy, identifying and having what we want. Like time to think. Time to watch the weather come and go. Precious stuff.
Succeeding at underachieving – like it! Can I join the club? There must be one on the net somewhere. The Underachievers.  

[Singer]

Problem is: knowing what makes us happy, identifying and having what we want.

Well, on the surface it looks pretty basic. In order to get what you want, it's necessary to be able to identify what you want. But not so simple if, from the earliest age, you've been told just what is permissible to want and what isn't. In my family no one questioned my mother's values unless they were prepared for all hell to break loose. When I happened to discover, around 1966 or so, that diet root beer made a great breakfast beverage you'd think I had singlehandedly set society on the road to ruin. Maybe I did. Things got kind of strange for awhile after that.

But in order to get what you wanted, you had to cover up. So here I am at the advanced age of...well, at an advanced age, still covering up. I never thought about it that way, but I do have time to think because I'm an underachiever. On the plus side, I always wanted rooms full of books, up to the ceiling, and now I've discovered that not only can I have them, but those nice folks at the library are even willing to store, catalog, and dust them for me.

Singer

[mighty mouse]

Singer,

I like the books up to the ceiling visual. I could sit and read all day.

In my estimation it is better to be a good person than to be a super achiever. And what's wrong with a contemplative life? Time to look at the afternoon sun, read, turn down the noise of the world. I think we've been sold a bill of goods with this hustle, bustle money making way of life that's turned us all into modern slaves and mass consumers. Since you like to read, try a book by that Wyoming country lawyer, Gerry Spence, called "Give Me Liberty". You may decide being an underachiever is a good thing!

MM

[les]

Ah MM, I'm glad to see that you still enjoy that afternoon sun and happy to see that you haven't left the board completely.  I consider you one of my midwives -pulling me out into the light!

Les

[mighty mouse]

Hi Les,

Sorry to be off thread a minute here. I've been enjoying your discourse with OM re the "old dolls" of yours. Even though I know it's painful to deal with these old gals, I did have to laugh at your Mom's comments about menopause and such. Your beauty queen is a piece of work!!!!!!!!

Singer, I learned to be very sneaky. I felt that I had to hide too...not too fun. But I got good at it. That was a behavior that I had to let go go of since it doesn't serve me well as an adult. I still struggle with it though.

MM

[Anonymous]

Good morning everyone,

I guess being sneaky, covering up, etc are part of being voicelessness, disappearing.  My H says I keep my cards pretty close to my vest.  I think I've told you all more than I've told anyone in my life!  Staying OFF the radar is definitely part of surviving an N.  

Peace, Seeker

PS I would love to have my own personal library too!!  

[Anonymous]

Wasn’t this good? Dr Grossman wrote it ages ago.

I write this because I want to encourage people to keep posting. As you know not everyone on this board will agree or even hear. There will be arguments, fights--and panic when the person/people you want most to listen, can’t or won’t.

But if you keep at it, honestly, genuinely, and vulnerably, you will find your way into, at least, some of the hearts on this board (mine included), and you will be a little less alone.

Allowing myself to be vulnerable is a difficult, serious, tough thing to do. Hard work. Those words from Dr Grossman helped me a lot. Being vulnerable is okay. Especially here.  

[Discounted Girl]

My acting out happened on the inside, literally -- stomach aches, panic attacks, hives, palpitations, high BP, nervousness, like Seeker's "holding my cards close to my chest," always watching my back, learned responses from the abuse of an Nparent. Ah, to relax, it takes concerted efforts to relax, and it should be natural.