Just had to vent. My dads health, about a year ago started to decline. My nmom decided to call everyone to state how lonely she is, how she wishes her kids were closer (there's 2 of us) to help out. She knows the time zones and starts calling across the the time zones. On the West Coast, I am aware that any call after 9:30 will be her. If I answer the call, I will be on the phone for an hour just listening to her talk. If I talk or ask a question, her hearing aids are out, and she can't hear anything.
A friend once pointed out, that the nmom doesn't want to hear anything that anyone wants to say. To deal with it, pretend like you're a garbage can. Let it go in one ear and then out to the garbage can. By doing that, it certainly helps me to realize she only wants to talk about herself and not hear anything else.
When people were able to speak to her, she was given advice from those that she called, but then turned around through email and backstabbed us all to each other (look out for those viruses you get in your computer. . .sometimes they email to the person you're talking about!). She wound up getting snared in the email fall-out. Instead of changing the habits of criticism and backbitting, she blamed it on the computer, and turned the thing off. We're back to being blasted by letters.
For over a year she has stayed in the house moaning and groaning, doing nothing to help her situation. She has called and asked that my sister and I fly out. When I ask her why - hoping to hear "because I love you", I hear, because I need you to help me clean the house. Hmm. . . we decide to stay home.
Now, she has breast cancer. Her goal was to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks, and then be able to go into a nursing facility for 6 weeks. She likes the dementia patients in my dad's nursing facility - they will listen to her talk for hours (they can't get away). Her surgery will be outpatient. She had a biopsy, and a lumpectomy - and she wanted us there for both of those surgeries. Now the next surgery is a mastectomy. I have agreed to fly out to be with her. . . When I tell her that I'm there to care for her, she states, what she really wants is for me to clean the house. For those of you who have, or have had breast cancer, this is not an attempt to minimize your pain - not at all. This is just an attempt to deal with a Nmom who was driving us crazy before this was diagnosed.
My sister and I were there in July, and the house was messy. She states it is worse now. She wants us to clean it up for her so she can sell it. She refuses to hire anyone because it costs money.
When I told her I would fly out, I asked her to pay the fare. She balked at the fare - and then grudgingly agreed to pay it.
I feel guilty that I really don't want to go be with her, and I feel angry that I am going to be a "house cleaner".
I've read postings about forgiveness - and I find easier to forgive when I'm not dealing with her (either by phone or in person), but once I have to get involved, I know I have to steel myself for the criticism and backstabbing that will invariable come.
I also realize this is a very hard time in her life. She's single after being married for a long time and can't deal with it. . .so I go through periods of being very compassionate. Then I have to deal with her and the compassion goes right out the window. . .
Thanks for letting me ramble.
