Ami -
After that onetime experience of standing up for myself,in my twenties, I grew. But years later, my spine shrunk again. It was if that first experience of learning to stand up with myself helped externally, but deep inside I was still mush. I have had to learn how to grow a spine from every angle.
It is not easy standing up for ourselves but it does get easier the more we internally stand up for ourselves in owning the pain that was given to us by our parents. That was something, way back when, that I has just barely begun to do.
The girl in the cafe that I stood up to was a nice person, not Nish, who was just acting out some of her stuff with me, testing me, after our conversation there was always warmth between us, it was a successful experience, lucky that it was my first time.
Then there have been times when I stand up for myself and it provokes hostility from the person with whom I am trying to be honest with. Like my roommate, the therapist, others...my mom. There is no defending yourself with the N's. Last year, while reading the book of Proverbs I came across one that says "do not provoke an angry man", something like that. It made me think about how angry N's are, I know because I found that N wound of anger in me and I have been wanting to and have lashed out in revenge, at times. Reflecting on that proverb got me turning inward again in learning out to cope with N's, turning to the gospel for guidance as well. The remedy I found was more humility in understanding rather than being understood, patience, kindness, tolerance and acceptance. These have not been easy because the N behavior of others can trigger me, but overtime I just kept employing these defenses instead of my old defenses and it has gotten easier. Ultimately, love is a shield that is impenetrable - I still need to be reminded of that, daily.
