Blurting out inner core thoughts....

[Kusumita]

I do this alot. I impulsively say thoughts most people don't say out loud, including my faults and shortcomings. For example, I'll say out loud that I have anxiety, and won't feel ashamed or embarrassed until I see people's reactions. But I don't plan to say such things-it just comes out.  I do't think before I speak....Sometimes I think-why is it ok to think things but not say them?  

[Ami]

I did not want to leave this thread hanging b/c a lot of heart went in to it. I am gonna come back later and write. You expressed yourself very clearly and I understand. I have a lot I want to say .      XXXOOO   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Kusumita,
 When I read your thread, I heard s/thing under the words.  Perhaps I am talking about myself and not you. I hear that you want  to feel like you are OK with what you feel,  think ,say no matter what people think.
 I think you KNOW who you are don't not trust  yourself if people look upset.
 I have been there  many times in my life . I did not trust that I was OK so I needed other people to approve
 I am starting to trust myself, just a little bit.
 It is slow but I think the key is finding one person who really, really "gets" you and then you do belong, finally. It could be a therapist or a person. For me, it was a person.
  XXXOOO          Ami

[lighter]

I bet many here recognize some of your thought patterns.

I've certainly blurted out thoughts, then felt askew, having done so.

I'm curiouse..... have you taken the Myers Briggs personality test?

If so, do you remember what personality type you are?

Mo2

[sKePTiKal]

There is nothing wrong with you, K.

Sounds like you're very creative and intelligent - and that your courses simply aren't all that challenging. I went back to college as an adult - and truly, I was very disappointed about the level of content of my classes. I found that my own reading - on many subjects - meant that I didn't have to study much to get very decent grades. Later, I taught practical skills to adults and then supported an online ed system - while training faculty how to use it. Many of the teachers still figure posting a powerpoint lecture is "teaching" online... sigh. My degrees are in fine art, so how I wound up being a techie - even teaching systems design & development - is simply a question of using different mediums to be "creative".

You might indulge that side of you that's intuitive... and start doing your own self-directed research. Just as a "hobby" and to satisfy that need to ask questions and look for answers. Feed that curiosity and creativity. Who knows? Maybe it'll become part of your school work later. Maybe it'll help you say things in a way that the others can relate to. Lately, my fascination has been neuropsychology... linking the biological functions of the brain with "the way we are", in human terms. It's just a hobby, so I'm no expert! However, I read everything I come across... it's fascinating.

Have you thought about or done any programming? It may not sound creative; but it is. And your intuition should make you a good troubleshooter, too. What is your major?

[sKePTiKal]

Where neuropsych overlaps the various reasons why we're here... (and mind you, this is only me theorizing)...
is attachment disorders and a technical type of dissociation that results in us being almost completely Left/Right brain oriented. I'm going to look up some links I posted a while ago, for you. You might find some comfort - an explanation for "you" - in these two papers. They sure helped me understand "me"!  From what you've posted so far about yourself, I can relate.

As far as math - I flipped out when I aced my only required math class in college (I was THAT bad at math) because I was miraculously a wiz in number bases. I could do the translations in my head, even. Geometry - is visual skill for me and I intuitively understand it - how I get to the answer is quite different than the way it's taught.

Where all this L/R brained stuff and attachment issues come together is the communication programming between the two brain areas.  "Dissociation", in this context, is a malfunction in that communication programming... the variable with necessary info in one area fails to get passed to the other area, or without a specific "if... then" statement and all you get is an "error". Everything else works OK... so it's only a flaw in that specific process. Are you with me?

The author of the two papers I'm going to link for you, believes that it is possible to "repair" the SELF - or debug those neuro programming errors. Unfortunately, the book he wrote with that title - Repair of the Self - is a little hard to find. Yes, I think Amazon has it available... but I'm lazier right now, than I usually admit!

Here's the first link:
http://www.psybc.com/pdfs/library/Dysregulation_of_right_Brain_Schore_Trauma.pdf

I'm going to have to try to track down the second one... or maybe your campus library can help you find work on this topic, by Allan Schore.