I searched "depression & relationships" that is how I randomly found the voicelessness site and board here. I looked at the definition of voicelessness and it felt like me, I identified with it. I read books and articles about "adult children of alcoholics/verbally abusive relationships etc" and that sort of stuff but nothing really pinned the tail on the donkey like what I've seen here. I have been dealing with depression lately and have had some destructive personal interactions with others so that is probably why I was searching those terms together. I also was looking back at myself as a little girl, really picturing me, I was cute if I do say so myself, I didn't grow up thinking I was cute, but I do like seeing my picture as a really young child, she is so different then the adult I am now. I don't even recognize myself that well as a little girl. I grew up feeling very imperfect, but when I see the pictures of the little girl "me" I don't see any imperfection at all, I just think "what a beautiful child"- it's surreal. I remember being sad though, I also remember that at some point I must have stopped socializing normally with other kids. This wasn't always so, I can't confidently say that it is due to voicelessness. I'm not sure what happened, I wasn't diagnosed with anything ever. It seems that I was aftraid of the other kids or I just couldn't hold my own ground, I wasn't boisterous. I couldn't follow their play interactions. I spent a lot of time by myself, it felt normal to me to be by myself. I was good at occupying myself. I probably rarely felt part of a group, I thought that was normal. I always did OK in school academically. I can't really diagnose myself here. It's an observation I was making. Psychologists say play is really important to development. Maybe I was just a sensitive child/soft/overwhelmed? Even slow? I don't know.
I can interact with people fine especially one-on-one, I can go to group classes and be fine, I've taught groups of people just fine. If I have to go to a party setting and speak small-talk I am at a complete loss, there is just nothing that comes out of me. I don't exactly mind because I've always thought small talk was not too important- although socializing really is important. I know that it's common for people to not know what to say supposedly. I think that I am probably a different case then regular social anxiety that people have. Even if a party is for me I don't like it, especially if it's for me I don't feel comfortable with the attention, even embarrassed, I endure it to be polite, I feel caught in the spot light and blinded.
These situations can really invoke a sense of shock and confusion in me. Some times when someone looks at me directly and really acknowledges me It's like my brain is trying to stabilize after just falling off a bike and hitting my head, you know when you can't see clear, and it feels disorienting and it takes a few seconds to gather oneself. Well I don't think I really ever gather myself when people talk to me directly, some times I even feel my face start to contort involuntarily (like I'm going to start crying or something)- I've always been able to push that down. It's sort of embarrassing, I have no idea what my expression actually looks like. I'm not sure that I can 100% relate that to voicelessness but it does make sense afterall it's called VOICELESSNESS. Well anyways, the end result is I have a hard time meeting people, there are other ways to meet people of course. I also walked away from those situations wondering if there was something really wrong with me, if I was stupid and didn't have anything to say. When I was younger people would often comment that I was really quiet. It's also really obvious to me when adults are competing for attention in social groups and they look immature to me, and I think "I don't want to do that-be like them". Sometimes every person is so busy trying to be heard or seen in a group that it seems like no one is really getting seen or heard, and adults do some dumb stuff to get attention. I often feel like the observer.
I cut off all of my relatives, I don't have that as a support network so of course now I'm really wondering how am I going to make a healthy support network for myself? And it is a real big challenge that is anxiety inducing. Not overwhelming anxiety but it is a struggle. There are temporary things, church, interest group classes etc. Yet I never have had strong lasting connections with people. I guess sometimes I figure that people just don't like me and I'm not useful to them. I've had some friends who are friends as long as I am useful to them- and I notice they go "poof" in the rare case that I need them. Sometimes I doubt a different life even exists, more of an ideal concept then reality. I do know people who are still very close friends with people they went to highschool with though. It seems to give them fond memories and a peer group I guess. They get help with little things, I don't think they ever have to feel like they really must do it all themselves. It's a psychological thing I think, It makes it easier to do something just knowing that one does not have to do it all oneself.
I didn't know that I was going to start talking about "lack of small talk" when I first started writing this post. If this is in fact related to voicelessness then I am considering how voicelessness impacts a person on numerous levels. Sometimes the result of not going to events and such is that 1) people don't know me 2) some people infer that I am unfriendly or that I do not like them, that I'm boring 3) I don't learn valuable information 4) It's really difficult to network 5) Since it makes me unknown and invisible in a sense it leaves me open for other people's oppionion's about who I am to shape my image.
I've been reading members stories and I'm thankful that there is a forum for those stories to come out and that people have been telling their stories. After reading others stories I started spontaneously journalling, I don't normally journal and I don't like it, yet I started writing so so much. Often I am at a loss for what to write even, seeing other's stories made me take another look at my own story and just opened an invisible valve. I guess when people are not heard, seen, understood, recognized then the story goes underground, maybe we start to disown or ignore our own stories. So this board is really important. I want to thank others for posting their stories, it has been very validating to me. VERY VALIDATING! Yes, what I experienced was real, yes my story is a real part of my life. Sometimes I look back in time (not too often) and things seem to mush together, life and time isn't delineated by special events or occasions or significant stages and "rites of passage". Years can go by where I don't remember anything significant and without remembering those things there is some loss of framework. Maybe that is just part of me not having a great memory but when I really think about this here, it makes some sense possibly that if we disown/don't tell/ignore our own stories then our history and our lives dissapate a bit. I'm not sure if I'm just making stuff up here, trying to create meaning out of something, over analyzing - it sounds right to me though. If we don't acknowledge our own stories how can we remember anything? I experience it as a loss of life and grief. There is a lot of grief and I don't truly know all of the sources that feed into that pool of grief, there seem to be too many. I see that other people posting on this board seem to have a lot of grief/loss also.
I'm not buddist, yet I'm recalling a saying that is something like: "inside every heart is a sea of tears so great that all the worlds oceans could not contain them all". I think this is from the book umm.... Ah! "A path with heart" I felt some relief when I first read that. I have my doubts about that truth that every heart has that many tears, I think some hearts contain more tears then others. I think the people posting on this board have more tears in their hearts then the average heart.
