My Truth

[Meh]

All the burden of the world, I think as a kid I internalized a deep burden for every bad thing that happened.
I think in me somewhere I feel personally responsible for and guilty for situations that I had zero control over.

[Ami]

Helen
 You express yourself so well. You remind me of my favorite author Slyvia Plath in my favorite book, The Bell Jar. Have you read it, Helen?
       Ami

[Meh]

Nope, I don't think I read Sylvia Plath, may have in school, I forget.

[Meh]

I am asking myself this question: Am  I punishing myself?
Or am I merely in despair and have given up on myself?
A part of me is angry with myself, another part of me is not angry with myself, Am I actively taking my anger out on myself?
I judge myself harshly but I'm not sure if I punish.
I don't think I punish myself but I recoil into myself like something folding up into it's self, Like a telescope retracting, everything pulls in. The outside world is too painful so I recoil, is that it?


I'm envisioning a computer circuit-board with all the little chips on it. The chips are suppose to be in the right place and the electrical paths between them connect and flow correctly. I feel like a circuit-board that has it's chips in the wrong place and stuff doesnt connect and flow correctly. How can their be a part of me that is angry with myself and a part of me that has compassion for me.


It seems like the main suggestion here is hope that someone comes along one day and loves me.
I'm horrified that this won't happen, I'm horrifed that it will happen, I'm horrified that it's out of my power.

This is why so many people have pets.

[Gabben]

All the burden of the world, I think as a kid I internalized a deep burden for every bad thing that happened.
I think in me somewhere I feel personally responsible for and guilty for situations that I had zero control over.

Hi Helen,

Here is a webpage that you may find helpful..if not then toss...

Lise
http://www.chastitysf.com/q_bad.htm#cycle

[Meh]

My relatives are trying to contact me, I feel group pressure by them, this is a result of me cutting my mother off. She tells relatives and then the relatives call me.

I hate that my relatives do not respect my need for anything!!! My need for space!!
Leave me the f*ck alone!!!

I hate her. I know that is an immature statement but I don't even allow myself to think it usually.
I hate her.
I hate her for trying to control me.
I hate her for not loving me.
I hate her.
My stomach hurts.
I hate her for lying to me.
I hate her for depriving me.
I hate her for being a space-cadet.
I hate her for punishing.
I hate her in ways I do not comprehend.
I hate.

I'm ok with being a hater. It's my right. I'm going to hate for a while because I never allow myself to hate her, I only allow myself to hate me!

I hate her!!!
I hate her passiveness!
I hate that she doesn't see me!

I hate her for everything that she denies!
I hate her for not taking on the responsibility of being the parent.

I hate that my parents absorbed my love when I was a loving child but they would not give it back to me.

I despise them.
Forgiving them is too generous.
I'm too generous.

I hate their selfishness.
I hate all of my emotions.
I hate how hard I tried.

I hate the way my mother tries to control my relationships with other relatives.
She thinks she has the right to control me.
She thinks she owns me.

I'm still a pink fetus rat stuck to her placenta. She is swinging the placenta around in the air like a lasso!
I did this to my pet cat when I was a kid, I put the cat inside a blanket and swung the cat around in the air, I felt horrible afterwards so guilty, I was acting out my pain and anger on the only powerless creature around me the cat! I hate that I hurt my cat. I'm actually crying now.
I abused my poor cat. I wonder if my now deceased cat has forgiven me?

Because I wasn't loved I feel so bad about every little thing, I'm looking for reasons why I'm unlovable?

[Meh]

More of my "stuff"

My mother said to me "It's as if you don't want something better for yourself"!!!

Ahhhhhhh! That F*cking B*tch!!! AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHH!

(Now I'm laughing)

This hate thinking is giving myself a stomach ache. Why does my stomach hurt!!!!
What is my stomach's link to my emotions! I'm hurting and I want to figure out this pain. Then I want to go inside the pain and dissolve it, clean it out, throw some bleach on it and scrub it 'till it's clean.

I should be angry at her not me, and that makes my stomach hurt when I realize that.
I have the right to be MAD. IT's Mine, the anger is mine! I can have it.  

[Meh]

Maybe my depression is all about me being angry at my mom.

I could not be angry at my mom because then she would reject me even more!

I would be abandoned again the exact thing I wished to avoid! Deep Breath
Oh my god, that is it. That is a huge part of it.

Not being able to be angry at her has kept me stuck.

I'm ANGRY at her!!!

I was never allowed to be angry!!! I would be punished if I was angry!!! They would do the PITY thing.
OH pity.

If I was angry they would feel out of control.


My relatives act like there is something wrong with me for not wanting to talk to my mother.

What if I did express my anger, then my mother would tell everyone, and then for years I would be the B*tch in the family!

I would lose my dignity!!

[Meh]

"All emotions have some influence on the way we think, but strong emotions can actually slow your ability to rationalize, solve problems and make decisions," says Dr. Julius. "When you're feeling anger, rage or hostility, it overwhelms you. In some people, it slows down the thinking process; in others, it stops the thinking process completely."

Adds Dr. Peterson, "Anger also causes us to lose our sense of humor and to alienate people. It takes its toll on our energy, creativity and all those other things that might keep us feeling young."

[Meh]

I don't want to be the person my relatives expect me to be. At some point I stopped saying "I love you" to my mother as she expected me to say. I just omitted it, in the same way that she has omitted many things from my life. Then my grandparents mentioned to me, how important it is to say "I love you". Gee I'm such a brat. I could not identify with saying "I love you" to my mother anymore, I felt like each time I said it I was lying to myself. Like I was hurting myself by making myself say a lie. That's why it's confusing to me, she demanded an act of normalcy.

My mother tells relatives and other people that I'm "cold".

My mother wants me to say the words "I love you" she has never done anything to show that she values a loving relationship between us, or wanted to foster a relationship between us.  

I just don't love her.
And then I'm bad for not loving her!
I FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT LOVING MY MOTHER.

[Meh]

There is research that has been done that shows when people are loved their body temperature is warmer, their hands are warmer.

[Meh]

Totally random thoughts:

Nar-people are sick, they identify a person who has not had very much love, and then make it their personal mission to destroy this person.

Not all people are like this, some people do accept and love. Some people see the need for love and don't use that need for love as a weakness against the other person.

No wonder intimacy is scary for children of nar-people because our need for love is dangerous. NEEDING LOVE IS DANGEROUS.

Nar people do seek out any little weakness and if they can't find one they start to implant a weakness to erode the person down. Erode them down.

Nar people are like a parasitic plant that sticks it's roots all around the other plant and suck up all the water and nutrients away.
A plant that taps into another plant and dries it up until it's dead. Then the Narperson goes on again and looks for another victim.

Could a Narperson live without a victim? What would happen to the Nonperson would they starve. Do they crave emotional abuse so much, do they crave inducing pain so much that without out a victim they would flip out and then all of the badness in them would become more apparent. Maybe the Nar people are hiding their badness in their victims.

I'd like to see what happens if parasitic Narpeople are separated from their "hosts" in a scientific experiment. After a Narperson has been deprived of their victim over a period of time then what happens to the Narperson? Do they transform?
Do they start to feed upon themselves in the sameway a starving person's body breaks down muscle tissue for sustenance.

Is pain a form of sustenance for a Narcissist.

Oh my God, WHEN I WAS A KID I LEARNED THAT NEEDING LOVE WAS DANGEROUS.
Is this really true?

If I expressed the need for love I would be attacked.

[Meh]

My mother can't stand to get close to me. She will do anything to not get close to me, usually this is attacking me emotionally.
She can't flippin stand it, she will do anything to not get close to me emotionally and then she calls me "cold". That is down right confusing.

My mother never wanted anything good for me in my life that is the message I grew up with and then she says "It's like you don't want anything better for yourself" to me. That is so infuriating.

I see it more clearly now. Sick. She is flippin Sick.
There has got to be a word that describes this.

She calls me selfish and then she does something to try to take my joy away from me.

[Meh]

The bottom line is I'm afraid of Narcissistic people and I never want to be hurt by another Narcissist ever again.

I want protection, more then wanting to be fixed I want protection. If I could be protected then I could heal myself. I'm strong enough to heal myself but I'm not strong enough to protect myself against the NAR-people.


The Narcissistic co-worker I had often talked about her sister that she HATED, she was jealous of her sister for some reason.
Her sister was on some sort of meds, I think antidepressants for her "mental problems", This sister was more educated then the Nar-coworker. I can't help but to wonder if the reason why the Narcoworkers sister was on meds is because of my Nar-coworker messed issues. I had that thought when I worked there, I thought to myself "if I was your sister I would have to be on medication also!!" In fact I am on medication! I'm moving further and further away from my compassion for these people. I MUST. I must kill any compassion. Oh there goes my heart dying and turning into a rotten ball of worms.

[Meh]

Has anyone out there ever been sarcastic baby-talked?  What is behind this? It's something that little kids do, I had a grown adult doing this to me, I don't get it. This grown adult talks like a little kid? Is it an attempt to make the target regress? It obviously is what little kids say to other little kids to make them angry. Why does it make them angry? It insinuates they are a cry baby? A baby crying? A baby crying because it is needing something? Because it's needing some love?

I want to know what is the psychology behind the use of sarcastic baby talk?