My Truth

[Meh]

OK - our posts crossed in the cyber-ether...

It's OK to feel sorry for yourself... for the awful things that happened to you... and for the things you didn't have. It's grieving... a great human loss... and I think you'll find that grief has it's own schedule; it's own agenda; and that finally, at the end of the process you'll have a great sense of peace... and wholeness.

I keep thinking about that picture of the beautiful little girl... do you ever meditate on the picture? Try to see her? Is she trying to tell you something?

Yes, I think grieving for the self gets to the heart of it. That is a good way to put it-grieving  for SELF.
It's counter culture for people to grieve for themselves, we are not allowed to.
I'm not sure if I'm grieving correctly. I want to speed it up, get it all done so I'm not grieving for the rest of my life.
I want to put my grief in the microwave, unthaw it, warm it up till it's steaming and then eat it and then flush it down the toilet once and for all.

Hum, the little girl, that is a good question, Thanks for asking Phoenix. I haven't been thinking about the little-girl photo lately.
Maybe I will talk to her the next time I go to the park. I think mostly she just wants to play. Ok that last statement makes me tear-up a bit, it must be true. She wants to play.

I'm sitting in a cafe staring out the window with my eyes glazed over. My ass is numb.

Gonna slosh some more coffee into this already acid stomach. Yum!


P.S:  Hey, Numb rhymes with Yum!

[Ami]

Dear Helen
 Grieving is a REAL process. You lost your true self as a child. That is grief. The hard part is how scary the feelings are when they come up. I could not do it w/out my friend.
 I could not feel this pain w/out him cuz I would be too afraid of it.
 I understand what you are saying, Helen.
 You have really good instinsts about healing. Follow your gut!          Ami

[sKePTiKal]

So..... maybe instead of tai chi.... you swing for a bit? and then tai chi?
or vice versa? Does the little girl like tai chi? I know Twiggy (my inner child) does...

I sense you might be avoiding things that feel good - because in a weird way - feeling good hurts. Boy! do I know that place... it's scary, painful, and there's this pressure of "what if I don't do it right"????? And then, it all doubles in on itself making an ugly tangled ball of crap, all tangled up with flotsam & jetsam details... and it's just EASIER to not even go there. Or maybe that's just my own experience and yours is very different.

But there IS, for me, still... this fear of feeling good... and while I "think" it's stupid in the extreme - worthy of all of the clinical neurosis' diagnoses that exist - I respect the reasons why my inner "little girl" - Twiggy - feels this way. We used to be two people; that's no longer so clear anymore... we're merging... integrating... becoming one & the same person. I describe it as getting "younger" all the time. Twiggy went through some s*&$, to be sure. And I'm still amazed at how tough she was... able to come through everything... and still be the same pure self. It's difficult, sometimes, to live up to her standards in my life... but she has her reasons... I respect them. She is very, very precious to me.

The first time I indulged her, we left hubby alone for 6 hours on a Sat, to go draw an owl in a natural history museum. It's something Twiggy always wanted to do. By accident - chance - or synchronicity - I saw an ad offering just such an opportunity for free. It felt incredibly selfish, neglectful and mean. But despite that: there was this sense of total peace that came from that one small indulgence. There simply wasn't a "discussion" on whether this was a worthy use of my time... whether hubby would eat while I was gone... or anything. And it truly didn't matter if I finished the drawing or not... it was just time that I allowed Twiggy - the inner little girl - to do what she wanted to do. That, dear friend, was the valuable thing. I couldn't explain it - justify it - at the time. Just something I had to do....

it looked sounded like fun.

[Meh]

Pointless ramblings:

Ok, I'm gonna keep on writing myself down the path to who knows where.

I saw this woman with a black shirt and white lettering says "I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"

There was a time when I would have frowned on this shirt, all preened and proper I was. This is me now.
I often sleep in my clothes, get up without brushing and then go get coffee, I still have blanket creases on my face when I go to get coffee in the morning, the morning being sometime between 10:00-2:00 PM. My days are mainly filled with sleeping, eating, going to a park, and being on the internet, drinking coffee.
Putting more acid into my already corroded tank.

I do barely anything and I'm exhausted. I can concoct an itinerary for myself and follow it for a while but I end up back at this place of waiting on my ass for my life to change.

I forgive myself for being depressed.
I forgive myself for feeling exhausted.
I forgive myself for the things I have not accomplished in life.
I forgive myself for lacking inspiration.
I forgive myself for wrapping myself up in my blankets again after only being up for 1 hour.
I forgive myself for my naive parts.
I forgive myself for not buying new clothes.
I forgive myself for not getting my hair cut.
I forgive myself for my self-neglect.
I forgive myself for hating my sadness.
I forgive myself for hiding my depression.
I forgive myself for my neck ache.
I forgive myself for being juiced up on caffeine.
I forgive myself for things that I don't even know yet.
I forgive myself for not being able to stand up for myself the way I would like to.
I forgive this computer.
I forgive my old shoes.
I forgive my heart for hiding in the shade.
I forgive my life.
I forgive my heart for aching.
I forgive myself for holding my emotions back.
I forgive myself for when my emotions over flow.
I forgive myself for my dirty dishes.
I forgive myself for times when I was deluded.
I forgive my headaches whereever they are coming from.
I forgive my muscles, I hope my muscles forgive my mind.
I'm gonna forgive my little girl fists for not being strong enough to punch the teeth right out my mother's boyfriend's jaw.
I'm going to forgive myself for not owning the emotional equivalent of steel knuckles.
I forgive my little girl self for having small little girl muscles.
I'm going to forgive her for being embarrassed.
Beneath the shame is anger.
I'm forgiving my anger. Ewe that statement doesn't feel good. My heart is trying to get away from that one.
Ok, my anger does not need to be forgiven! That's a little better.
My anger is mine all mine.
My anger is good. Ok that statement makes me take a breath.
I'm going to forgive me for being too nice.

[Meh]

I think I have already written this, oh well I'm going to write it again now that I'm back to GRIEF.

So, I got a foot massage from a person who was a novice foot-masseuse. After being poked in the middle of my foot, my whole body tensed up like instant rigamortise and then relaxed again then out came uncontrollable laughing in front of people who were not laughing. The couple of wks that ensued were a period of insomnia and anxiety, this eventually was corrected with a couple nights of sleeping pills and sedatives. It went away I was ok after a while. What I felt at that moment of instant rigamortise was intense grief for the first time ever, and along with the grief was overwhelming anxiety.

A relative took me to an emergency room for people with psychiatric problems, mostly homeless people. Being taken to this place did not feel good, I think my relatives want me to be crazy. I was in my early 20's when this happened.The relative could have given me a hug, then took me to a regular doctor to be treated for insomnia and anxiety. Instead I was taken to this horrible place where they asked me to pee in a cup 9 times, I never did because I'm not a f'n drug addict. They were so sure they knew what I was and who I was. They don't know shi*t! The people who worked there were sure there was something wrong with me but they just could not put their finger on it. So they gave me some anxiety meds that did not work, I eventually got it sorted out and a few nights of sleep and all was back to "normal". I was afraid of my own anxiety, I was really worried that I was going to permanently lose my mind, why couldn't my relatives just given me a f'n hug.

I'm just angry that my relatives took this opportunity to take me to a place that frightened me even more. They didn't really bother talking to me for a while to figure out what was going on. I was embarrassed that they took me to that place. They would not have taken themselves to that place.

God, at some point in my life I am going to be so f'n wise for having gone through all this crap.

[Meh]

Wiki def: Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something beloved. It spans the emotions of numbness, disbelief, separation anxiety, despair, sadness, and loneliness.

Hum, what a f'n mess. I'm reading the definition of grief on wikipedia, I guess it's sort of a complex response.
Wikipedia even says that depression is a consequence of grief, I mean I knew that but... I don't know..where the hell my depression is coming from. From little particles in my brain fluid. From my unexpressed anger turned inward. From my grief?

It's like when something gets tangled up. I'm like a gigantic stinking snarl of seaweed on the beach. Just step over it and keep on walking.

Alright that is enough today. Going to go to park and find my little girl.

I have the right to grieve. I have the right to be here in my grief.

[Meh]

Little girl just wants to cry, play, and be hugged.

[Ami]

Helen
 Our families  WANTED us to be crazy. THAT is the worst part. When I got angry at them , my M tried to get my H to hospitalize me.
 Helen, it IS that bad. That is WHY you are having grief. It WAS that bad, Sweetie.
 That is why it is so hard to face.               Ami

[Ami]

Thinking of you, today (((Helen))))                      Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Little girl just wants to cry, play, and be hugged.

OK. You can hold her and let her cry all her tears; rock her and hug her.
And you can give her chances to play - with you - on a regular basis.

And you can tell each other all the things that need to be said...

because you can care - do care - a lot about each other.

Because you ARE wise, you can help her understand... and she can grow up... faster than normal, but it still takes time - her "clock" is different than yours... and she is ALSO wise... and can explain to you things you might not understand - yet. Together, you'll be able to weather the anger and the grief storms when they come up... and then they'll pass.

[Hopalong]

::Rocking, little Helen::

holding, rocking, humming...

It's okay, sweetie.
You are beautiful and good.

You are beautiful and good.

::rocking::

love,
Hops

[Meh]

Hiya, Ami, Phoenix, and Hops,

Thanks much for the warm thoughts, it does help me to understand and stick with it. I probably am skirting or skimming along the surface right now and not diving too deep into myself.

Ami, thanks for sharing your experience with me about your Nar-people trying to get your H to put you in a psych-place. That's interesting. When you said "they want us to be crazy", well on some level I do think that is true. It's really hard to understand and even harder to accept. Like you said it is hard. It is very validating to me to hear your version of a similar event. Hearing it makes me feel less wrong and less "crazy".

Phoenix, thanks for asking me the questions, reminding me to listen to the different parts of me, and reminding me how life has it's own schedule. It's a good reminder for me to be patient with myself.

Hops, thanks for the sweet and loving words/visual image. It's a reminder for me to be gentle to myself. I need to indulge myself with love and tenderness. My little girl needs to be "spoiled" with attention.   

[Ami]

Hiya, Ami, Phoenix, and Hops,

Thanks much for the warm thoughts, it does help me to understand and stick with it. I probably am skirting or skimming along the surface right now and not diving too deep into myself.

Ami, thanks for sharing your experience with me about your Nar-people trying to get your H to put you in a psych-place. That's interesting. When you said "they want us to be crazy", well on some level I do think that is true. It's really hard to understand and even harder to accept. Like you said it is hard. It is very validating to me to hear your version of a similar event. Hearing it makes me feel less wrong and less "crazy".

Phoenix, thanks for asking me the questions, reminding me to listen to the different parts of me, and reminding me how life has it's own schedule. It's a good reminder for me to be patient with myself.

Hops, thanks for the sweet and loving words/visual image. It's a reminder for me to be gentle to myself. I need to indulge myself with love and tenderness. My little girl needs to be "spoiled" with attention.   

Dear Helen,
  I hear your deepest heart wanting to know the truth, accept the truth.THAT is where the healing lies--the TRUTH, the truth.
No matter how badly the truth hurts, it is better than being numb(in denial)          Ami


PS Facing the NM is SOOOO painful. I see the truth of her more each day . Alice Miller says you HAVE to face the truth in order to heal!

[sKePTiKal]

Spoiling the little one with attention, try to remember that she is a child and you the adult. Her needs might just surprise you... in intensity & maturity... and like all kids, she might need to learn boundaries and limits... and how those can be enforced lovingly.

Mine was like an angry, scared street cat... all claws & teeth... if I pushed too hard, or asked too much too soon from her. She had to learn to trust me a bit... and then she started leading the process herself... like a bursting dam, it all came pouring out... and my T kept saying pace yourself, slow down...  I think she was afraid I'd not be able to take it - all the stuff at once - and start to retreat from it. I did, sometimes... but not for long. Twiggy always tapped me on the shoulder - and found other ways - to let me know she "had" something for me... until she got it ALL out.

[Meh]

So I did go to the park, brought a notebook, tried to envision little me, the phrase came to me "be quiet". That was all I got for that park rendezvous.

So I stood up and did some Tai-Chi at the edge of a big lake, I had walked by this place before and wanted to do some standing meditation there over looking the water but didn't dare. It's expansive and looks east over the waves and up towards mountains. It's in a pretty visible place. So I just stood there this time and made a "spectacle" of myself. There were really only a few people in the park. It seems weird to me that I was making such a big deal about it before. Oh well. I felt a little less self-conscious this time I think. When I was sitting down some ducks jumped up next to me and some guy decided that I would be a photo opportunity for him while I sat there with the ducks. I just kept my back to him the whole time. I'm so unfriendly...Oh well.

I got this vision that came to me sort of a social-activism performance art vision of people dispersing themselves all over the downtown parts of bustling cities and all doing tai-chi. Sort of like those critical-mass bike rides where people all get on their bikes and jam around the city together. Well I envisioned a critical mass -Tai-Chi demonstration in the craziest bustling cities, people stagered all around on the sidewalks just doing their thing.

I'm glad I got this vision, I think it's a good sign that it came to me, I use to see these types of things and then I shut it off when I started my last job. What ever these visions are I used them as a source for making art in the past.