Oh my yes... the wounds are real. The "problem" - and perhaps what is behind the constant return to this subject of "what is wrong with me" and the feeling of rejection for having normal-person needs - is that the "what is wrong with me" is a PROJECTION of their own "screwedupness" - that they can't/won't own... so like a venomous snake... they throw it on you.
I'm not too chatty today. Been mired down in paperwork and numbers... my brain is a bit fried.
To ponder - if your friends are relatively normal people, why do you expect them to treat you like your family treats you? Friends do all kinds of things for friends... even if the favor can't be paid back in kind or equally for some time. After all, it's an opportunity to be together - which is what friends do, right? Try it - you might be surprised what comes of asking for a favor. Pleasantly surprised! They're not the people in your "family". And I'm here to tell ya - you're a likeable wench, and I like you a LOT. And I'll be your friend - if Ami can't drive you, I will.
Thanksgiving - I see the attraction in your proposal. I don't know too many people who've done this and gotten the result they wanted. I got away with telling my mother, that I wasn't going to mother my brother - I wasn't his mother. But that's because she didn't get that it was really her fault he's a mess. To date, she hasn't had the talk with him she said she would. That said, it wouldn't hurt - and incurs no risk for you - to write that speech. Passionately. Melodramatically. Add the smurfs - but hide them under the tablecloth and in the cranberry sauce! Writing it all out, as if you planned to give the speech for real... may provide you the relief you're looking for. And you have plenty of time yet, to decide if you'll deliver it or not. An alternative might be to simply hold the speech in your mind and observe how they treat each other & you... it can be your "secret weapon" ... and I'll bet opportunities will come up, where some part of the speech will be relevant and will just come out of your mouth.
Just don't hold out a lot of hope that it'll be received any differently than in the past. Denial is thicker than blood, trust me on this.
OK - one more thing... I know there's nothing "wrong with you". I also know that feeling that there IS... damn well. The fact that you can point to this now... and feel deep down the injustice of it... is serious progress. A big milestone on the getting-free-of-this-crap highway. Yes, you're going to blame them - for a while. Yes, you're going to proclaim "it's NOT MY FAULT" for a while, too. When you can start asking "what's wrong with you" of THEM, then you're on the downside of the mountain... almost free... but there are still hard battles ahead, Xena. The battles of re-programming yourself.
Deep, chi breathing... this moment... this moment... this moment... you are more than your thoughts, your feelings, your body... the sum of those is greater than anyone knows.
