My Truth

[Meh]

Why does it feel so forbidden,so criminal  to have a self?       
 I don't want to hurt anyone else.                                    Ami

Well, Ami you do have a self, it may be a small, quiet self, or sort of invisible. But it IS there inside of you, your essential self.

It is OK! To have a self. It's natural to have a self, NORMAL to have a self.

Your M told you it was not NORMAL to have a self, Your N-mother was lying to you.

You WERE NORMAL all along.

Maybe, just slowly get acquainted with your essential self, I think you have been doing that AMI, I think you will be OK.
Slow and easy... Every day say hello to your SELF. Even if it is SCARY.....it's a good kind of scary like learning how to swim.

[Ami]

Want to write about BAD. Yesterday, I thought I broke the desktop screen.  The other day I disabled the sound on my lap top.
 BAD just sits there and waits.
 I think I am bad when I am primal and not perfect. That leaves F##ing much left--huh?    Ami

Amy, what is this all about? I'm not following you here. Were you writing about BAD on your computer and then you wanted to break the computer?

Or did you accidentally do something to the computer and then you told yourself that you were BAD for the accident?

I meant that the feeling of being 'bad", inherently evil ,r wrong or no good lurks below the surface all the time. When I do s/thing wrong like break the computer, it rises up and floods me with more feelings of shame and worthlessness.    Ami
  

[Ami]

Why does it feel so forbidden,so criminal  to have a self?       
 I don't want to hurt anyone else.                                    Ami

Well, Ami you do have a self, it may be a small, quiet self, or sort of invisible. But it IS there inside of you, your essential self.

It is OK! To have a self. It's natural to have a self, NORMAL to have a self.

Your M told you it was not NORMAL to have a self, Your N-mother was lying to you.

You WERE NORMAL all along.

Maybe, just slowly get acquainted with your essential self, I think you have been doing that AMI, I think you will be OK.
Slow and easy... Every day say hello to your SELF. Even if it is SCARY.....it's a good kind of scary like learning how to swim.

My feelings when I read this Helen. I am crying. I think it is from happiness that you understand. Thank you!     Ami

[Meh]

Why does it feel so forbidden,so criminal  to have a self?       
 I don't want to hurt anyone else.                                    Ami

Ami, why do you think you are going to hurt someone else? Who are you going to hurt? How are you going to hurt them?
What are you thinking? Have you hurt someone?

   

What I meant was that I feel *I* am so bad(selfish ,despicable, awful, worthless) for WANTING a self of my own to love, nurture, protect and care for.
 I meant I have no desire to hurt another person only to have a self but I feel *I* am so "bad" for wanting this..

Ami, I didn't think that you were really going to hurt someone.

I guess it sort of sounded like you were afraid you were going to "hurt" your NARmother if you started to really tap into your SELF.

[Meh]

Ami, I think we need to learn to be really GENTLE with ourselves. With every little thing, take it as slow as you need to and honor your wounds. Maybe look at the wounds but then also know that it is ok to spend some time every day just checking in with the SELF. You don't have to force it out or put it under the bed, you know you probably don't even have understand the self, just find out when the SELF feels safe enough to come out a little and then just be gentle with your SELF.

We sort of have to get reacquainted with our essential SELF.

Sometimes I feel like I'm meeting a stranger when I come into contact with my TRUE SELF.

It's a weird feeling. Build a relationship with the AMI-SELF. Like a love affair that you want to last forever, you take it slow and gentle and really listen to the inner self. You have a love affair with your SELF. It's a delicate thing. You might be surprized who the AMI-SELF is. She is not "BAD". The AMI- essential SELF just is what it is. Be gentle with AMI, you have the rest of your lives together..

I have complete confidence that you can be with your SELF. It will be ok, you are an ADULT, and your mother has no right to tell you what to do anymore.

[Meh]

My feelings when I read this Helen. I am crying. I think it is from happiness that you understand. Thank you!     Ami

Yes, Ami, I truly believe that you were NORMAL and PERFECT just as you are/were as a kid. That is probably the deep truth.

The "BAD" that you struggle with is a lie. It's a tenacious lie, but you will begin to see how it was a lie. It was a controlling device.



It sounds like, from your crying and happiness that you received some much needed validation?
Is that what you are feeling AMI? Validated, accepted?
Do you feel like I just saw the real you?

[Meh]

Since you have this "BAD" lie stuck on you (like a gross booger ghost), then maybe just allow your self to be "BAD"
If you have to be "BAD" to be with your SELF then say f*ck-it. I'm gonna be BAD-ASS and get in touch with myself.

I don't know AMI, it's just an idea. Maybe it makes sense to you or doesn't?

What if you say "I'm gonna be "BAD" and I'm OK with it?"

I mean I don't think you are bad, but maybe the technique you need to use is just saying to yourself, It's bad and I'm going to do it anyways.... and after you do it for a while you will see how it wasn't really bad in the first place.

Some people pride themselves on being BAD-TO-THE-BONE, you know like get on a leather jacket, hop on your Harley and drive your self to ESSENTIAL SELF land.


(sorry about the booger reference, apparently part of my essential self is into boogers) I've got a booger theme going on, I really hope I grow out of it!! 

[Ami]

My feelings when I read this Helen. I am crying. I think it is from happiness that you understand. Thank you!     Ami

Yes, Ami, I truly believe that you were NORMAL and PERFECT just as you are/were as a kid. That is probably the deep truth.

The "BAD" that you struggle with is a lie. It's a tenacious lie, but you will begin to see how it was a lie. It was a controlling device.



It sounds like, from your crying and happiness that you received some much needed validation?
Is that what you are feeling AMI? Validated, accepted?
Do you feel like I just saw the real you?

THAT is what it is exactly, Helen. You just saw the real me. It makes me cry b/c it is so beautiful..
 I think they are tears of hope that I can express myself and s/one CAN see the real me. Maybe it means that it is THERE.
 Thank you, Helen!                                 Ami

[Ami]

Since you have this "BAD" lie stuck on you (like a gross booger ghost), then maybe just allow your self to be "BAD"
If you have to be "BAD" to be with your SELF then say f*ck-it. I'm gonna be BAD-ASS and get in touch with myself.

I don't know AMI, it's just an idea. Maybe it makes sense to you or doesn't?

What if you say "I'm gonna be "BAD" and I'm OK with it?"

I mean I don't think you are bad, but maybe the technique you need to use is just saying to yourself, It's bad and I'm going to do it anyways.... and after you do it for a while you will see how it wasn't really bad in the first place.

Some people pride themselves on being BAD-TO-THE-BONE, you know like get on a leather jacket, hop on your Harley and drive your self to ESSENTIAL SELF land.


(sorry about the booger reference, apparently part of my essential self is into boogers) I've got a booger theme going on, I really hope I grow out of it!! 

Booger theme is quite OK with me  .                Ami

[Ami]

Have you ever tried having a"' Bad" self, Helen?                                 Ami

[Meh]

Yes, Ami, I think most people are rarely TRUELY SEEN, I think it's embedded in our society.
I think it is extra-extra tender for children of Nar-parents.

I'm really glad that you feel Seen Ami. I hope you have more of these experiences where you are seen.

You are strong enough to allow yourself to be seen!

[Meh]

Have you ever tried having a"' Bad" self, Helen?                                 Ami

Yes, I've played with it a little, it is HARD. It is also very informative. It is a learning experience. It shows you that it will not be the end of the world if you do the "BAD" things.

My personal version of "BAD" for me is sometimes just allowing myself to be in my own strength. If that makes any sense. To be assertive. To do what I want to do even if all of my relatives tell me I'm doing the wrong thing.

It's not the end of the world.


I struggle on a regular basis to like myself.   It is ongoing..

Sometimes when I assert myself or shine, I feel BAD, But it doesn't kill me. Sometimes it's awkward, and my heart beats out of fear.

[Ami]

Yes, I started having a bad self   named Blackie.  Blackie has needs. . Blackie wants to take care of herself not be nice all the time like Whitie.
 Whitie does nothing wrong and has no needs.                  Ami

[Meh]

Can you rock out to the song "Ba-Ba-Ba-Bad to the Bone" while you are hanging out with Blackie?
Is there anything fun about blackie? Where would blackie take you if Blackie could go anywhere? What would Blackie do?

Hum Black and White, it's one or the other.. If you put them together it makes Gray..

Maybe there is something else all together beyond the black and white compartamentalized sections of self.
Maybe something even more exciting then gray, musicians are not really gray or black and white, they are all sorts of spectrums.

Ami, What if you write a list of all the "bad" things blackie wants to do, think, say or feel? I mean really put some detail into it.
You don't have to share the list with anyone. "BAD" has no detail. It's a big old meaningless blanket term.

Have you ever seen those t-shirts women wear that say in big letters "BITCH", It's like they are really proud of it or something.
You don't have to be nice all the time. You are still normal even if you are not nice.

Ok, I'm going to leave this off right here, and hand it back to you AMI. I feel like I have taken over and am trying to counsel you or something. I wish you good luck.

[Ami]

 
 Blackie doesn't let anyone mess  with her.
 She has a black leather jacket on the inside. She wrote the quote--Talk softly but carry a big stick .