Thank you Silverlining,
I am still evolving and learning. The fog is clearing from my life. I have come to a place of accepting
the fact that I never had and never will have a healthy FOO.
The turning point for me... is time.. and the lack thereof. I am getting older Silver, and I realized that if I am to enjoy the rest of my life, I need to accept what cannot be changed. I have spent decades (wasted) enmeshed in unhealthy expectations of Ns. Once I allowed myself to accept.. I mean Really accept the fact I was (am) not loved , and cared for by these Ns, I had to make many life changing decisions.
1: Accept that they are incapable of giving me what I need
2: I must take responsibility for my own life and happiness
3: I have the right to protect myself
4: Make healthier relationships
5: To give of myself to others
6: Deepen my spiritual walk
7: To laugh often and well
8: To nurture the child within
9: Learn something new each day
10: To be thankful for what I have
Many decades have passed, and I find myself truly weary of this tangled web. It has affected my children in many, many ways. They (my children), are all adults now and have through their own observations, cut off all contact with NG. Of course I was to blame, but what else is new with Ns.
The key point is, after much agonizing, I want to live, not perfectly, but to live non the less. How extraordinarily painful to fully realize that, I have been systematically driven to madness by my own M.
I choose how much interaction I can tolerate, when and where. No longer am I surprised with well planned ambushes. I do only what I feel comfortable doing.
I literally see them as souless zombies, the living dead. Incapable of genuine feelings, empathy, or care. The entourage are puppets on strings. How can I react to inanimate objects? I hear sounds coming from them, nod appropriately.... It has become so tedious and boring. The same tactics over five decades.
They say that at the end, your life flashes before you. That was profound for me! I imagined myself drowning, what would flash before me? My children, grands, a million and one hurtful experiences with NM???? No!! I resolve to fill up my life with loving, and kind experiences. I have given way too much away. We have power and choices, and I like those odds!
A little story to share:
Several decades ago, I worked for a highend dept store as a sales clerk. Needless to say the pay was minimum in those days. Young, married with one child.
I fell in love with a silver tea service, and waited for it to go on sale, praying that no one would buy it first! After many months it was put on sale and with my employee discount, it was finally mine!
This tea service was my first adult accomplishment and I was so proud of myself. To me it was also a symbol of hope that our lives would improve.
Several years passed, and life did improve for us, but that tea service still held a place in my heart.
Well NM paid a visit and just carried on and on about it.... so...I decided to make a gift of it to her.
She knew the story and the significance of it (to me). To make a long story short, she promptly relegated the tea service to her back yard! When I next saw it, it was covered with dents and rust!!
The moral of this story:
I will let you come to your own conclusions!
Indiered Live Well and Prosper (Quote from DR Spock Star Trek)
