I SEE it Finally

[Ami]

On U tube there are 3 video's by PsychDoctorate. I really want to go to bed and pull the covers up over my head  about how bad N is. However , a little part of me is saying,"You, finally see it."
Your M is not redeemable.He calls them predators and she is.She hunts you down emotionally and then feasts on you like prey.
 I feel real,in a way I have not felt since my teens.
 This guy gets it better than anyone I have ever read or heard.
 If you care to, see what you think.
 I finally see that it is hopeless.
       Ami
 
 

[Portia]

Congratulations Ami. If you feel REAL and you finally SEE, I doubt there's any going back.

Yayyy That's gotta be good eh?

Still hurts some? I think some times, although it's generally not a good idea to 'harden your heart' (lest you become bitter and twisted), in this case, we must hang on to our feeling of freedom, freedom from blindness, freedom from all that pain.

Yes? This ball of REALness inside my heart, it still feels a little heavy to me, but I'm hoping it will grow and somehow become lighter....if that makes sense. Actually i think that doesn't make any sense, but if you can see some sense there, good!

I like to remember this simple idea: like reptiles, some of them will eat their young. They would save their own lives, before ours, in place of ours. It really is that simple.

Very pleased and happy for you, I'm with you, Ami. (I haven't watched the videos but I'm not sure that matters.)

By the way BFN means Bye For Now, I believe....I could be wrong!  BFN x

[Gabben]

Your M is not redeemable.He calls them predators and she is.She hunts you down emotionally and then feasts on you like prey.

Ami - I understand your pain around this, that feeling of hopelessness. That is a lie, I believe and will never stop believing that we are ALL redeemable. God's ways are not our ways.

I know that feeling of being hurt down by others, beaten down with their reality that is so twisted and cruel, especially when no one else sees it.

NPD, is not hopeless, I refuse to ever believe that the hopeless are beyond hope, (perhaps not in this lifetime, but I will always carry them with hope for the next). The reason for that is that I know that deep pain of being tossed out of life for being hopeless or deemed hopeless for being bad. I WAS not bad and I was not hopeless.

Recently, I have been looking at the bigger picture....N's may be frustrating, they bring us agony, they hurt us, they take our lives..oppression, abuse. The pain of it all is atrocious.

There was a time when I just hated them, purely hated them. One of the things in life that hurts me the most is the pain my mom has done to me and her guilt and shame over it, that she has yet to face and that I hope she never has, I forgive her.  I hurt for her because I CAN empathize with her. There was a time in my life where I completely lacked empathy....I had to stare at me and SEE...it was shameful but I was NOT beyond HOPE. There are so many factors, so much understanding about the hearts and lives of others that we cannot SEE and cannot control, which leads us back to looking at what we can control, ourselves...but the N's brainwashed us as children, with shame as a weapon, to believing that we are ALL bad.

It is not black and white and you are SO much closer to truth and healing than you have ever been. Grace is abundant in your life. We like to think of grace as something warm and comforting, all good and pleasant, but grace has a quality, truth, if you were not so close to God's grace then you would not be given so much grace to SEE the harsh truths that are coming to you these days...truth will set you free.

Love and hugs, Lise

[Ami]

Congratulations Ami. If you feel REAL and you finally SEE, I doubt there's any going back.

Yayyy That's gotta be good eh?

Still hurts some? I think some times, although it's generally not a good idea to 'harden your heart' (lest you become bitter and twisted), in this case, we must hang on to our feeling of freedom, freedom from blindness, freedom from all that pain.

Yes? This ball of REALness inside my heart, it still feels a little heavy to me, but I'm hoping it will grow and somehow become lighter....if that makes sense. Actually i think that doesn't make any sense, but if you can see some sense there, good!

I like to remember this simple idea: like reptiles, some of them will eat their young. They would save their own lives, before ours, in place of ours. It really is that simple.

Very pleased and happy for you, I'm with you, Ami. (I haven't watched the videos but I'm not sure that matters.)

By the way BFN means Bye For Now, I believe....I could be wrong!  BFN x

Thank you Portia
 I am so glad you see the good. I feel it but there is so much loss with it that I was not sure if it were good or bad.However, I feel like I can finally start looking at the world and myself through my OWN belly button not the NM messages.
 I do feel different.
 I had two dreams about my parents being predatory tigers. One was them going through my house looking for prey. I was hiding outside in the bushes. The second was I locked them out of the house and they could only be in the yard. I guess I am making progress.
 Thank you so much for your encouragement ,Portia.
 I know you are a long time Board member. How long have you been here?        XXXOOOO Ami

[Ami]

Your M is not redeemable.He calls them predators and she is.She hunts you down emotionally and then feasts on you like prey.

Ami - I understand your pain around this, that feeling of hopelessness. That is a lie, I believe and will never stop believing that we are ALL redeemable. God's ways are not our ways.

I know that feeling of being hurt down by others, beaten down with their reality that is so twisted and cruel, especially when no one else sees it.

NPD, is not hopeless, I refuse to ever believe that the hopeless are beyond hope, (perhaps not in this lifetime, but I will always carry them with hope for the next). The reason for that is that I know that deep pain of being tossed out of life for being hopeless or deemed hopeless for being bad. I WAS not bad and I was not hopeless.

Recently, I have been looking at the bigger picture....N's may be frustrating, they bring us agony, they hurt us, they take our lives..oppression, abuse. The pain of it all is atrocious.

There was a time when I just hated them, purely hated them. One of the things in life that hurts me the most is the pain my mom has done to me and her guilt and shame over it, that she has yet to face and that I hope she never has, I forgive her.  I hurt for her because I CAN empathize with her. There was a time in my life where I completely lacked empathy....I had to stare at me and SEE...it was shameful but I was NOT beyond HOPE. There are so many factors, so much understanding about the hearts and lives of others that we cannot SEE and cannot control, which leads us back to looking at what we can control, ourselves...but the N's brainwashed us as children, with shame as a weapon, to believing that we are ALL bad.

It is not black and white and you are SO much closer to truth and healing than you have ever been. Grace is abundant in your life. We like to think of grace as something warm and comforting, all good and pleasant, but grace has a quality, truth, if you were not so close to God's grace then you would not be given so much grace to SEE the harsh truths that are coming to you these days...truth will set you free.

Love and hugs, Lise

Thank you so much for your post. It resonates with me  that it IS God's grace that I can  see the truth. I am strong enough now and I have enough support .
 God is truth and love and I have been in denial about my NM.
 Just today I was hoping if *I* only changed, then she would love me like a trusted M.
I was on the course to be a traditional  Jew and I wanted to be. My NM threw me off the course and that is what it took. It was a small price to pay even though it seems REALLY big at times, as I know you understand so well . Thanks for all you give (((Lise)))))         XXOO Ami

[JustKathy]

Ami, could you post a link to the videos? I found the guy, but not the videos about Ns. Would really like to watch these.

Kathy

[JustKathy]

Never mind - just found them!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyE7SCK_OBQ

[Gabben]

Just today I was hoping if *I* only changed, then she would love me like a trusted M.

Hi Ami,

I hope that I did not invalidate ALL the work that you have done and where you are at with YOUR truth and healing process. You have so much wisdom. How I understand this statement above, for me I hear my voice of condemnation saying...
"if only I was perfect and if only I could be perfect in my responses in life." I am so hard on myself.

To add:

"I really want to go to bed and pull the covers up over my head." 

How many times have I felt like this and actually done it. How many times I've gone to bed (in the middle of the day) in the last few months, pulled the covers over my head and selpt away the agony of shame and hopelessness I feel, I've been there.

Love,
Lise

[Ami]

((((Lise)))) Your response was beautiful. I don't see any invalidation.                    XXOO  Ami

[Kusumita]

Hi Amii!,

Congrats for moving forward in healing!  After reading your response to those videos, I thought I'd add something that may aid in your quest to understand and heal:

http://www.nevergoodenough.com/survey.asp

It's targeted for daughters of N mothers, but I think it means no less for sons.   Female Ns seem to present traits a bit differently than male Ns, (not sure just thinking from lots of reading), so maybe these traits willl help validate your feelings to a certian extent?  I know I learned a lot from that site....

Wishing the best for you Ami 

[Ami]

Thank you Kusimita
  I will try it!            Ami

[Portia]

Hi Ami
Those sound like good dreams - progressing from hiding from them, to locking them out (and being safe yourself). Maybe soon those predators will just leave you alone. I really hope so.
I've gone back to having fantastic dreams about being able to fly. I love those dreams! Wake up feeling quite energised.
How long have I been here? Since December 9, 2003 - over 5 years. I wouldn't exchange that time for anything. I am not now the battered, drained, immature, raging, hurting, confused, abused person I was then. Fact!

[Ami]

Dear Portia
 I love flying dreams ,too. I have not had the predator dream for a while. If I am not prey,then the predators can't get me,I guess. What a nasty shame that they are my parents!
 Five years on the Board. Have you been here the whole time or did you take a break? You seem like you "get" the workings of N and the effects on the "victims". It takes a long time to see it with the heart. I am just starting to, now. N can be  a very confusing, paradoxical subject.
           XXXOOO  Ami

[Meh]

I have to prepare myself to watch these videos, thank you for recommending, I'm waiting until I'm in the right mood. 

[Ami]

Dear ((Helen)))
 They are really upsetting cuz they talk about the N(for us M) as  a cold preadator. That was the part that really hurt and it IS true.
 They are like a predatory animal who lies in wait for prey--just like my dream.
 I had the dream about being prey to two tigers before I saw this video.
 It tells you what you already know, down deep,but it feels awful to actually hear it. However, the truth is  freeing after the inital shock.       XXXXOOOOO  Ami