Spotty memory of being a kid & Are these weird ways to r

[Kiba Jin]

....kids?

I don't have specific memories unless I really dig for them and what I do come up with our more like pieces of  'movies' with me as observer. I'm thinking of 'normal' stuff -- first day of school, favorite toys or books, friend's faces, what I wanted to be when I grew up...what was I interested in when I was 5? 6? 7 and so on?   I'm only in my late 20's, so surely my brain isn't made of swiss cheese yet  

On to weird ways to turn out kids....

I do know I've been hypersensitive to criticism, terrified of being less than perfect and therefore would not even try.  For the longest time, I've been convinced I couldn't get a job because I'd walk in, ask for an application and get laughed at and made fun of. Or I'd screw up and everyone would see what a pathetic  feck up I am.  Indeed, I expect this sort of reaction from any sort of "authority" figure and I know it doesn't make sense, but I still feel it at times.

At  16, I actually got  my license and was  too  terrified to drive.  My parents billed themselves as some sort of ultra-gifted god-like drivers, constantly berated other drivers' "poor" skills (like these unknown people where out to deliberatly muck up parents' day...like not using a turn signal was a deliberate insult or something?) On top of this, I believed that if I did anything to really screw up the car, that the family was done for. We would all 'die'.  We'd all be out on the streets because we couldn't afford the repair bill, some parent couldn't get to work, we'd lose the house, blah, blah, blah.  There are a lot of money issues in my family.  

For basically being a middle class suburban  family, would it be 'normal' not to have yearly check-ups? to never see a dentist?  to not have a family doctor?

Have one parent use child as spy against other parent or 'bad' siblings?

A parent who still makes beds, cleans up dishes and does laundry of  kids who are 16+ and seems somewhat insulted or hurt(?)  that  I do these things for myself....

A parent who does not leave the house to take a walk or even go outside into own front or backyard just to enjoy them.  Only way parent leaves house is by car  to go buy food, cigarettes, take somebody to work or maybe school and p/u .  Other than that, parent is at computer playing card games, reading internet groups or is at couch reading book or asleep.

And finally, argh, I gotta vent a little.  My dad took away the finance handling from my mother.  So now he requires us older adult dependent kids to give him or my mom a list of what we need (maybe want? I'm not sure if wants are too much to ask for, so I don't).  He said something along the lines of 'adults ask for things' which (I guess)  I hadn't been doing with my mom...which I suppose is true.  She'd really pissed me off by then, but there's only so much "we can't afford that" I could take over a quart of soymilk or frivelous box of hair dye while her cigarettes always managed to get bought (even if it was with her kids' money)....

Anyway, I filled out my list this past Saturday and requested a medical item for my dog. My dog is handicapped -- he can barely use his rear end and is very uncordinated so he's developed some nasty sores. It would have been under $10; I gave brandname, dimensions, several places to find it.....and I did not get it on Saturday. I got most of the food items I'd requested instead (?)  I did not get the bandages at all this week. Meanwhile, my mom has been able to get cigarettes, creamer and several boxes of KFC tidbits....I remain broke. Guess I don't dserve an allowance, because I'm a burden because I don't have a job.  Sorry if I sound like a whiny brat.   Somedays it feels like I'm buried in weirdness or I must have so much to say, but I can't. It's like my throat and my  brain seizes up. Or maybe I am the crazy one, but I don't think so.  

peace,
jenn

[Dawning]

I'm only in my late 20's, so surely my brain isn't made of swiss cheese yet

You might be surprised that it usually doesn't work out that way.  When I was in my late 20's my brain *was* made up of swiss cheese and now, 10 years later,  it just so happens that its becoming whole, like cheddar or something.     Give yourself a break.  If you want to find out what the gaps are, you've got to make some choices that will help you and I reckon that will happen when you're ready.  Joining this board is a step in the right direction.

I don't think its an age thing but, rather, a process.  Alot of the amazing men and women on this board who are not in their twenties have come up with insights in their thirties and forties....and fifties and sixties and...gawd, I hope...seventies and eighties and beyond...

Basically, its never too late or too early to start putting the pieces together.

BANZAI!

[Cj]

Hi,

I clicked with this one, because I know my mother was/is (maybe less so now) very like this. It may not be the same thing but anyway...

She took on this role of having to be seen as totally competant ('good'), to cover up how she really felt (i.e the total opposite: incompetant/no good/worthless). But of course, she'd be inevitably setting standards which could never be met, and 'fail'.
For my mother, if I went to do something, she read that as me saying to her 'oh god, I'll do it, your inept!', and as a threat, like 'oh my god, I must be failing, I'm no good....*blind panic*!!!'.
Its funny, I mean...Ironically, when I look back, the fact she was more than happy to clean up after me all the time as a kid/teen, and go out of her way so much on things (contradictory to her tyrant like behaviour at times (f**k, talk about confusing!), made it difficult for me to respect her (not realising it at the time). Then again, I'm not sure I was taught much about respect in general, or even understood it as a concept. Just never thought about it much. (I didn't concern myself with a lot of things/concepts!!!)

And so she would then find herself a lot of the time being left feeling her efforts weren't appreciated, and becoming resentful/angry. I could go on for ages on this, but will leave it at that for now.....

(Quote: Dawning.) ''You might be surprised that it usually doesn't work out that way. When I was in my late 20's my brain *was* made up of swiss cheese and now, 10 years later, it just so happens that its becoming whole, like cheddar or something.''  Well said .


Stick around .

A parent who still makes beds, cleans up dishes and does laundry of kids who are 16+ and seems somewhat insulted or hurt(?) that I do these things for myself....

[Jamie]

I know what you mean about spotty memories. I can't remember hardly anything from 11 years old to six years ago. I am 27 years old now... the memories I do have I can't exactly trust because they are distorted as far as time and I have huge blank periods that I just don't remember. I can't trust my parents intepretations because they are totally different than each others. Its so confusing.
Jamie

[Ellie]

In my first counseling session visit I remember saying I don't remember anything from my childhood, especially the younger years. I only remember teen years and all the anger in our house. After spending time reading about Ns and talking in counseling, many memories have returned. It's not pleasent when they pop up. I know I was supressing a lot. The anger that arose in me as I started seeing images in my brain from my younger years is still hard to handle. Sometimes it is a matter of letting these memories come back into focus - if you are ready. You are hiding them from yourself for a reason - protection probably.

I spent time over the past 5 years trying to paste time lines and events together but I get the same denial response. Ndad actually said he never laid a hand on any of us kids - when he beat us with a belt almost daily. Nmom backed him up and she knows she watched it and did her own beating with a switch.

Start trusting in your own memories and do not trust what the Ns project about their take on it. They lie and deny. It just confuses you more. The memories are still there - trust me. They are just keeping out of the way right now.

[Jeanene]

Dear Jenn,

It was frightening to me to read your post because I lived through so many simular things.  I got my license at 15 but didn't really drive until I was 20.  I didn't actually manage to get moved out of my parents house until I was nearly 28.  I remember finally realizing that even physically handicapped people are able to live on their own, so I should be able to somehow.  It was drilled into me that I was "weak" and ill and implied that I was incompetent in some indefinable way.  Like your family, we almost never went to doctors.  I was not taken to a regular doctor, but was taken (twice!) to a naturepathic doctor to take care of my condition.  Much later I found out this was so my mother could keep control of my "treatment" and also control me and keep me close to her.  My main symptom was incredible fatigue and I now know this was due to depression.  The depression, of course, was mainly caused by my abnormal family situation and my feeling trapped in my situation.  Money seemed to constantly be a problem (supposedly we never had any), and I had no money because most of the time I did not have a job.  When I finally did get one, it was only part time at low wages.  I drove my parents cars and was careful not to ask for anything.  My first step towards gaining my own life was moving 100 miles away.  I got a job and was very careful with my expenses.  I had a roommate to share expenses with.  I finally was able to start thinking.  It's been a long hard road since then, but it was worth every step!  I realize now that I was not as isolated as I thought I was.  There were people who might have helped me if I had been able to ask, but they did not approach me because of fear of my mom.  She dominated everything and I was fading more and more into the background.  Please reach out to friends and extended family who are level headed.  You really need to find work to lessen your dependency and increase your self esteem.  Ask everyone you know if they have heard of any job openings.  Do not talk to your parents about your plans, they know exactly how to sink you.  I think you may be very surprised at how much people outside your family can give you support and help.  And move out as soon as you can.  You can't imagine the feeling of relief!  Above all, hang in there and do not give up!