I was re-reading Dr. Grossman's essay on Little Voices this weekend and it encapsulated my persona and that of my siblings perfectly. Dr. G. notes that narcissism can result in two kinds of children----the first is a "gentle, generous and sensitive child whose self-esteem is dependent on responding to other needs. Early in their childhood they stopped wanting because no one paid any attention to their wishes." That is me. The other kind of child is the one who is "angry and bitter and becomes a narcissist themselves. The theme of their anger is often: look what I've done for you, and look what I get back. And yet they are trapped, because if they stop anticipating everyone's needs they feel invisible. Sometimes, these "little voices" live with (or close to) their demanding and unappreciative parents until the parents die; they deeply resent siblings who managed to escape." That is my deeply narcissisistic sister. I have another sibling but he does not easily fit in either category. He is narcissistic but he does possess selfish traits much more so than the average person. He will not compromise for anyone. I think perhaps the difference is that growing up, he was treated as my N sister's personal prize and he was also lucky to have had other people in his life who valued him (friends, co-workers, wife, child, etc.) I did not.
Being in the first category, I now found that there are certain buttons that people push that triggers these feelings. My brother and his family who ignore my wishes, who refuse to compromise or spend time with me...are triggers and reminders that my feelings, needs, wants don't matter to anyone. I don't matter. I keep getting reminded of that by all whom I meet. Rejection, betrayal, and neglect have been themes throughout my life.
I now see that this situation is pervasive throughout every element of life....I work for a narcissist, and throughout my career, I have gone above and beyond...Even though I'm hired for one job, I find myself end up doing three jobs because they know am capable of doing it...They take advantage and I become hopelessly stuck. I am currently looking for a new job so I can get out of this situation.
I still don't know how you change from being this kind of person. I also still struggle with accepting that my N mom and Co-D dad consistently choose my evil Nsister over everyone and everything else.....that they are perfectly fine with this situation and that they don't care about either of their other children. In my head, I realize this will never change. I know that on my Nmom's deathbed, she will never regret what she did...with not spending time with her other children or knowing them. She would do it all again....exactly the same. She will continue to believe that we deserved what we got.
I just so wish there had been just one person in my life who could have convinced me that I was worth something....that I was not the loser I have always felt I was...that it wasn't me....but them. I wish there was a person now that could show me that there is something beyond the heartache and pain I live with every day....that in effect, there is hope. Instead, I continue to feel set apart from everyone...like the person who looks at the world from outside the window......I wonder if all children of Ns feel that way....I wonder, too, if you ever get to take a look from the other side of the window.....or if you ever get over the rejection, betrayal, neglect....
I suppose in the end you never get over it, you just force yourself to push it to the back of your heart and mind....
