Ami - it sounds like self the esteem issues I know all too wel. There was a time when I could not even grasp the meaning of what self esteem was, it was a foreign concept in the sense that I felt that I could only be OK if I had particular external things such as: cars, house, husband, children, friends, etc, nice furniture, clothes....but even more I felt that I could only esteem myself if others esteemed me first through achievement or success, I found out that no matter what I achieved or gained materially I was always going to feel that fearful emptiness and that my real sense of self esteem had to be founded on a relationship with God. In Him I am and can just be without anything or anyone loving me and still I feel OK, really OK and full.
That is the starting place to grow a foundation of a healthy sense of self, I am OK in Him and I am OK to be human, have needs, a voice, make mistakes, even make disasters and falter, as long as I clean up my messes and my sides of the street, God's grace fills me and reaches beyond the need for self-esteem of any sort.
Does any of this make sense?