Thanks for your kind words. Your intention was heartfelt and pure and I appreciate that.
37 years of just me is a long time. 37 years of no brother, sister, father, uncle, aunt, cousin, mother, grandmother, grandfather, or neighbor that 'saw' me. That had the courage and patience to step in and say, 'there is something very wrong here'. I could fill 10 pages with stories of events in my life where no one, I mean no one was there.
This is pretty personal so I apologize if this offends anyone. Remember your first 'personal experience' in your bedroom as a child, by yourself, I do. When I was finished, I couldn't find my underwear in the dark, so I slid my cut-off jeans on, slunk out to the living room and made up something about losing my underwear and needing some new ones. No one picked up on that, or if they did, didn't comment. They just got me some new ones and told me to go back to bed.
That was my whole life. When faced with a situation, or question in search of an answer, or life stressor, like losing my first girlfriend, there not being a single solitary soul 'there' to give me any type of guidance.
But this goes even deeper than that. Imagine if you can, a small boy, say 2 years old, fumbling around his world, trying new things, falling down, frolicking, playing, just being a 2 year old. Now imagine his mother always being right there, focused so intently on the boy, that he can hardly move without her being there to guide him, out of fear that he may hurt himself, or get dirty, or just say or do the 'wrong' thing. It was like that. Whatever I was doing was the wrong thing, no matter how small. It was really, unconciously done out of control, not genuine concern. Of course I can't remember this specifically but I'd bet anything thats the way it was.
Imagine as a 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 year old not having another child in the home to have to fight with over mom's attention, or laugh with about the day's events, or argue with over the bathroom, or scheme with. Imagine not having memories of people even saying your name (Surely it happened, I just don't remember it). That folks, is how dismissive and lonely my childhood was. My best memories of childhood are playing with a grasshopper, digging up sasafrass roots, riding my bike, all alone. They even bought be one of those toys for passing baseball with yourself, you know the ones with the net that throws the ball back to you. How $*#*$ insane is that.
Imagine as a 5 yr old, going to bed with a little bookshelf beside your bed and reading yourself to sleep every night, with not one memory of your mother reading a book to you. Maybe it happened but if you don't remember it, did it happen. I mean, what was she doing in there in the living room. Whatever she was doing, it was out of fear. She was afraid of that small boy in that other room so she just washed her hands and let me raise myself.
Dinner was often mom and my grandparents. I used to stuff my food down just to get through it and away from them. Granny used to tell me slow down and I'd just keep going. I told my mother about that a few weeks ago and asked her why she thought I did that. Her answer was, 'I dunno, I guess you just had somewhere to be.' I was 9 year old for Christ sake, where was I going, to watch more TV? Imagine, not one single meal, even around the TV, with mom and a boyfriend, not one single event, not one, with my mother and her significant other from birth to age 10. Not even a bad one where things started well and went downhill. How damn weird is that?
Imagine as an adult, having to think about your every move. I mean things like getting a bowl out of the cabinet or where does this glass go, while at the same time trying to communicate with other people. Facing a decision between getting bowl first or getting the milk and almost tripping because you hold both thoughts simultaneously and cant decide which direction in the kitchen to take.
I know you guys hear the pain in all that, all the despair but its real. If there was a therapy, or a drug, or a hypnotist that could turn that around, word would have gotten out and they would be filthy rich by now. Some situations don't get fixed and honestly I know this is one of them. I'm just about to the point where WHATEVER is on the other side beats this. Sure my children will be affected, but at least with me gone, the stress will be gone. My daughter this morning, shes 7. Would not get out of bed for school no matter how many times I tried, softly, easily. Then, with 3 minutes left till the bus, she's cussing me for getting her up to late, cussing me for her brother letting the cat in who might eat her hamster she lost 2 weeks ago and magically returned 3 days ago only to get lost again, by her. I just stood there like a deer in the headlights and queitly let it unfold as she slammed the door and called me an idiot. I know there a ton of advice to give for that situation but it all hangs on the ABILITY of the person to implement it.
Anyway, blah blah. All that doesn't mean a damn thing in the grand scheme, just felt like pouring it out.
