How Do You Deal with a Compulsive Liar?

[bean j]

thanks teartracks,

I hear you.  But my fiance is quite overwhelmed at the moment and not objective.  I'm going to have to be the calm objective one who can see that his ex is trying to drag him down into the muck with her.  In emergencies, we all find strength.

She left her teenage son in another state.  She told us she has moved back here.  She is lying to one of us:  the son (who is staying with her "boyfriend"), saying she's coming back, or us - she told us she has moved here when she requested regular visitation with the daughter who lives with us.  A reverse phone number search of the phone she keeps calling us from comes up with a guy who persued her when she was married to my fiance.  We can only assume he is the new boyfriend, or is getting scammed.  Technically she has not said she is living with him. 

I am insisting that my fiance find out where she is living and verify it (due to her compulsive lying) before letting her have their daughter overnight.  I also called child protective services in the state she left the teenager in so they're investigating.

What else can I do?  I doubt confronting her, however nicely, will result in her suddently getting common sense or any sort of good parenting skills.  It burns me that she's telling both kids she's going to live with them.  One of them is going to find out the nasty truth eventually.  Unless she's just planning on traveling back and forth, leading a double life - a boyfriend in two states?


bean

[cantors.counter]

Oh bean, that stinks.

Let's see. I seem to have an excess of compulsive liars as relatives. I like Sela's "oh really" suggestion for simple stuff, but with the details above this isn't simple stuff. I happen to be a person who likes documentation, stuff written down and then proof that it's agreed to in writing. I don't know that it always needs to be legal, but in child custody cases, it may. Is this something a Friends of the Court-type agency could help with? Or some other agency, even a temple/synagogue/church/whatever who could help and/or act as arbitor.

The poor kids who have to deal with such a maternal parental unit -- and you adults who do as well.

[Gaining Strength]

I'm still dealing with a few pathological liars in my family.

The most helpful and most difficult strategy has been detachment - emotional detachment.  Not claiming success but improvement.  Compulsive/pathological liars feed off of the chaos they create.  If you call them on their lie but without emotion it actually has a dramatic effect on the volume and quality of their lies. 

[lighter]

Bean:

Who has  Bio Mom requested regular visitation through?

Court?

Your fiance?

Seems she doesn't already have reg visitation, for a reason?

You should probably get the child into therapy with someone, who can advocate effectively in the child's best interest, should this go to court.

Sounds like the child will need help dealing, in any case.

Good luck.

Mo2

[bean j]

thanks Mo of 2

that is smart, and I was thinking the child needs therapy anyway - many changes, including divorce in her life lately

[lighter]

You're very welcome, Bean.

There's T's out there specializing in this area. 

They can help children navigate difficult times, as well as teach the responsible adults what to say and do. 

This is as important as taking good notes, for court. 

Things to think about:

Can the T testify effectively in court?  Some can and some can't. 

Will they document extensively for court?  Some T's don't even know what that means.

Do they have experience in court?  Some might say "yes" when they have no idea what they're up against or what's required. 

Researching/interviewing different T's........ is time well spent.  You might ask some family law attorney's for names of good Social Workers or child psychologists. 

The best advocate with be a forensic child psychologist, which can be very expensive, esp when evaluations are called for. 

It's unfortunate that Judge's tend to call for evaluations of both parties, just to make both attorneys happy. 

Be proactive as you can...... 90% research.  10% execution.

Having to scrap plans, and start again, can be time consuming, expensive and demoralizing.

Mo2