When somebody has been assassinating your character

[Lucky]

My husband and I find it difficult to really understand what precisely is going on because my sd is not so eager to talk about things in detail or really share her emotions. We do not see her very often and when we do see her, it often seems as if she is trying to avoid having "real" contact. It is very frustrating, we do not want to put pressure on her.

[KatG]

Oh Lucky,
You have my sympathy, I'm in a similar situation.  Only 2 boys, young adults. 
Was reading on Amy Baker Ph.D website how kids need to go along with NM just to survive.  We see this, that makes sense.  Looking into getting her books.  His X makes boys lives miserable if they don't go along with her.  Older one treats DH with silent treatment.  Brainwashing?  She's even "gotten" to some of his family (together 20 yrs), who validate and bash alongside. 
Have read book Divorce Poison, looking up Parental Alienation Syndrome.  It's sick.  I swear she's punishing him, probably because he finally said no to her (how dare he?).  She's smart & powerful.   DH is devastated. 
I really think you have a chance with SD, be careful she doesn't get "punished" for accepting you.  Everyone tells us the boys will come around when in late 20's, but that's like in 10 years!
All the best for you,
KatG

[lighter]

Lucky:

Is it possible to get your sd an appt with a good therapist?

It sounds like she's between a rock and a hard place..... and pretty much on her own with an unstable mother.

Maybe a T can help?

Good luck.

Mo2

[Lucky]

If we want her to go to a therapist I think it is best if her mother does not know about it, don't you? Because I have a hunch that her mother might not support her daughter going to a T.

[lighter]

I don't know if non custodial parents are free to take children to a Therapist for treatment, Lucky.

It seems if a 14yo can choose which parent to live with, they should be able to choose to go to a T, but I don't know.

The system's imperfect, esp for the most vulernable involved.

I hope this child has close ties to stable other adults in her life.

Grandparents.....

Aunts or uncles?

How do you think she'd respond to the idea of seeing a T?

Mo2

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I think whether or not a noncustodial parent could take a teen to a therapist depends on the jurisdiction you live in. And also upon the noncustodial parent's rights. If the noncustodial parent has the right to consent to medical care, then they probably have the right to consent to mental health care too. But it should be the parent not the stepparent (the stepparent can carry them to appts. probably but the actual legal parent would have to sign everything and consent). Another question is the legality of keeping such information from the custodial parent, even if the noncustodial one has the right to consent to treatment.

Also a 14 year old is in a gray area where in some jurisdictions the parents have the right to know everything that goes on in session even though this may undermine the point of going. Someone experienced with working with teens may be able to help you navigate the treacherous waters here.

[lighter]

HOP:

The stepdaughter just turned 17yo.

Around here, a 14yo has the right to choose which parent they'll live with.

[Lucky]

First we will have to try and find out how my sd thinks about going to a T. She might think that she is being blamed for the difficult relationship between her and her mother. I am not sure if she will understand that it is to help her.

[lighter]

Lucky:

It might not feel like it's doing any good, but.....

sd needs to hear that she's not alone, that she has her father and you in her life forever, and that you guys will be there for her, no matter what.

If she feels judged, or that her mother is being judged, it'll probably make her more defensive.

Maybe you could ask her if she believes time with a Therapist, during this difficult time, would help?

Telling her what to do won't work.

Sounds like communcation isn't going very well so..... where do you start?

Where would you want your father and new wife to start, if you were your 17yo stepdaughter?

Mo2

[Hopalong]

Hi Pilgrim,

I would like to call you Pilgrim instead of HOP.

(I am easily confused.)

Would that be okay?

Hops

[Lucky]

I found a therapist who can immediately accept a new patient. Now we have to find out if my sd wants to go.
I am worried also about the fact that she is worried because her mother has threatened to kill herself a number of times. She has been doing that for twenty years already but it must be quite a burden for my sd.

[lighter]

Yes, Lucky.

I think this child needs a good T.

How did you find this one, and what makes you feel it's a good fit?

Mo2

[Lucky]

Nothing at the moment makes me feel it is a good fit, first we will have to have a talk with the therapist. I find it very difficult to know who might be a good therapist, it is a very scary thought that a bad therapist could cause more damage then he/she would do good. We are only at the beginning of this and if my sd agrees to go we really have to do some intensive talking with a therapist before we would let her go there. I will ask my husband to contact his daughter about this today now that I found somebody who seems to be willing not to involve the mother. Because I am not sure how her mother would react but I think she might be against this. 

[ShakeSenora]

Hi Lucky - I can identify with your frustration! I'm a stepmom for 12 yrs now. I met my husband several years post-his-divorce and I almost took a total pass on a great guy since I could see his ex was going to be high, high drama over their 2 kids - indefinitely. Despite the fact she remarried a week after their divorce was final and split mondo assets, I doubt she will ever stop gunning to create negative dramas with him. It as if that's how things are hardwired when you're dealing with a N.

Unfortunately, my impression when I read this thread is that interceeding (advice, therapists) between your SD and her relationship with her NMom seems as if it will meet with a pretty low probablity of success... On the other hand, bolstering your SD's relationship with you and with her Dad is definitely a winning approach. i.e. if she wanted to go to therapy to explore getting closer to her dad, then great.

We're been on the receiving end of constant major and minor parental alienation stuff for years. Badmouthing, fabrications, kids refusing to visit, you name it. A previous poster in this trhead is correct when they said that refuting these allegations (to the children) actually ends up making you guys look that the bad guys since you're pretty much calling the kids mom a liar. Really sad but true.

I sat next to someone a flight and they asked if I was related to ____ (NM-ex), and I  said she was my husband's ex, and they gave me the wide-eyed "really???" look with a big wince and I had to laugh. It was weirdly interesting to hear a few more smear campaign anecdotes from my seatmate. It also confirmed that nothing has changed after 12 years.

So, making things safe and welcoming for the kids to enjoy their time with you and their dad without rehashing any NM drama is super hard to do, but it has been the best we can hope for. We've gotten into the habit of changing the subject and consistently encouraging the kids to talk directly to their mom whenever we get traigulated into whatever the latest meltdown or allegation is. We've seen my husband's (and my) relationship with the kids improve as they have grown older and are able to occasionally think more for themselves, but a whole lot of time was lost and a whole lot of tears were shed over the unfairness of it all.

Hope this is helpful, don't want to be preachy, just want to pass along some of what worked for us.

[Lucky]

Hello ShakeSenora,

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it sounds very familiar. My sd has told us she suffers or has suffered from belly aches, nausea, insomnia and chest pain. I think that must be from stress. I so much would like to help her reduce that stress. Her mother loves drama and all that drama going on causes so much stress for the bystanders/victims. We try to be kind and friendly to my sd and support her but her mother is always slashing her father (and maybe me also, I don't know) so she feels a level of distrust and doubt with regards to us. Therefore everything we say or do she might distrust. Maybe she would easier trust a third party like a therapist, a professional.