Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Sherrie might just stand in for Whitie for awhile, to see how it feels, try it on for size. Capiche?
Yes, White wants to ask,"Do you think I am BAD?" but she is not allowed .
If you think Whitie is BAD, so be it. Who died and made you God?

[Ami]

Whitie's friend was mad at her and she thought she would give up. That is bad. Whitie never needed anyone before.
 Needing is scary.
 Whitie always had one foot out of relationships.I don't know why or what is normal but Whitie needs someone ,now, in her deepest heart.
 There must be something to connections cuz people die when basic connections are broken. Animals, do ,too.
I think Whitie's body was dying from lack of love and love brought it back. I think it is that simple.

[Ami]

 Two new people came to the drinking group, cousins of another member.
 Whitie has NEVER done this at the drinking group,but she started being honest about her life.
 Something in her  yearned to be "for HER",not an image.
 Yesterday, was one of Whitie's worst days.She barely could drag herself to the drinking group. Maybe the BAD is dying and putting up a fight .
  BAD is a thing, I think.
 BAD grabbed Scott and pulled him down, a beautiful boy like that. He had everything going for him, as the phrase goes.

 

[Ami]

 When Whitie decided to be "for herself",things  began to change .
 There were three cousins at the table. Whitie yearned to have a family like that. She dreamed of how that would feel, not to be alone, abandoned by family.
 She was at the end of the table, thinking these thoughts, quiet, not like  Social Whitie.
 She talked to one cousin, pleasantries. She wished she was like the cousin, traveling with family.
 Then, the other cousin came to her side of the table  and  sat down and started talking. Whitie told the truth about herself because she wanted to be REAL more than be liked. She wanted to be SOMEONE. SOMEONE is REAL.
 That is all there is to it. She did not want to be under glass,  muffled.

[seasons]

When Whitie decided to be "for herself",things  began to change .
 There were three cousins at the table. Whitie yearned to have a family like that. She dreamed of how that would feel, not to be alone, abandoned by family.
 She was at the end of the table, thinking these thoughts, quiet, not like  Social Whitie.
 She talked to one cousin, pleasantries. She wished she was like the cousin, traveling with family.
 Then, the other cousin came to her side of the table  and  sat down and started talking. Whitie told the truth about herself because she wanted to be REAL more than be liked. She wanted to be SOMEONE. SOMEONE is REAL.
 That is all there is to it. She did not want to be under glass,  muffled.

((Ami)),

What courage that must of taken. Knowing the pain your uncovering, to get out. The old armor that keeps you safe...maybe?

I am so proud of you! Hope your patting yourself on the back for putting yourself out there. Wish I was in the group with you. (hope that's o.k. to say.)

Love you, seasons

[Gabben]

I don't know why or what is normal but Whitie needs someone ,now, in her deepest heart.

Hi Ami,

Reading through some of your thread here from time to time.

This line above from your heart is important, as all of your voice is, but this voice of yours stood out for me as a reminder for myself that in my deepest longing(s) for love are nothing that THIS world could ever fill (however disillusioned)..."You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you." St. Augustine

[Ami]

It is funny that you say that today, Lise ,cuz I was thinking that God and His love is the answer. You are right. God can bring you people to help and to love you,but people will always disappoint you b/c they are flawed.
 I am learning this. It is just the reality of life. I disappoint people all the time, too.         xxxooo    Ami

[Gabben]

I disappoint people all the time, too.       

Me too.

[Ami]

I disappoint people all the time, too.       

Me too.

Dear ((Lise)))
The hardest person to forgive, accept and love with flaws is myself. Alice Miller gave a wonderful answer in her Reader's Mail to a man who was asking how to make the world a more loving place.
 She said,"Accept your own heart."
 At the conference, they were saying that "Love your neighbor as yourself means you must love yourself. It id SOOO hard when you have the NM deep, deep messages of worthlessness.                                               Ami

[Ami]

When Whitie decided to be "for herself",things  began to change .
 There were three cousins at the table. Whitie yearned to have a family like that. She dreamed of how that would feel, not to be alone, abandoned by family.
 She was at the end of the table, thinking these thoughts, quiet, not like  Social Whitie.
 She talked to one cousin, pleasantries. She wished she was like the cousin, traveling with family.
 Then, the other cousin came to her side of the table  and  sat down and started talking. Whitie told the truth about herself because she wanted to be REAL more than be liked. She wanted to be SOMEONE. SOMEONE is REAL.
 That is all there is to it. She did not want to be under glass,  muffled.

((Ami)),

What courage that must of taken. Knowing the pain your uncovering, to get out. The old armor that keeps you safe...maybe?

I am so proud of you! Hope your patting yourself on the back for putting yourself out there. Wish I was in the group with you. (hope that's o.k. to say.)

Love you, seasons

You are a member of the group in spirit, (((Seasons))). I notice how you are opening up your heart more on the Board and I am so happy .
                           xxoo  Ami

[Ami]

Last night at the drinking group, Whitie took a leap in healing. Several things came together at once.
 The depth of depression she usually feels has changed from super depression to major depression  .
  Whitie does not take medicine. She is not dissing anyone who does.
  Whitie used to argue with people who healed differently such as the "Get over it" crowd and the 'I want to express my feelings" crowd.
 Now, Whiitie says "God Bless Everyone" cuz it is so freaking hard to heal that she can't throw monkey wrenches at fellow survivors.
 Ray told me I was strong.
 That helped.
 If you have an N parent, you are thrown a super curve ball, hard, unrelenting, maybe impossible to heal. I don't know.

[Ami]

Sherrie Ann needs to come out.  
 Sherrie Ann would not be asking about BAD, no way.
 Whitie's Sherrie Ann would be different than the real Sherrie Ann who is  too sure of herself, no humility. Whitie can't go that far, nor does she want to.
Her Sherrie Ann ,who she has been named as such ,will  be grounded in reality.  She is confident, the master of her destiny  but respectful of other people.Respectful ,but not fixing.
 Whitie had to take care of everyone.
That ain't gonna cut it no more.

Sherrie Ann is out and we will see where that gets us.

[Ami]

Sherrie Ann is confident. She only has to take care of herself so has dropped 90% of Whitie's job description.  Whitie had to stop Mother from dying.
You can't do it Whitie. It is impossible  You tried.  When are you gonna learn? It is an illusion that you can save Mother. Get it. You can't. It is crazy.

[Ami]

It is crazy like barking at the moon. You can't save Mother, Whitie. You would have by now, if you could. Mother is not right and she wants you to take the BAD but she still is  crazy .
 How does that work, Whitie?
If you took it, why does she still have it-HUH?

[Ami]

Whitie had a 3 Million Dollar epiphany or whatever  shrinks  charge for  epiphanies.
 She knew what happened. Mother took Whitie's emotional HEALTH and made it CRAZY. Whitie wanted values, confidence, independence, individuation and Mother made that  SELFISH, BAD,sociopathic, psycopathic, rotten, egocentric,shameful, very,very sick and awful in a scary way.
 Mother turned reality upside down so Mother could feel GOOD about herself. Mother had to feel GOOD. If you died ,it was collateral damage.