Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Whitie is thinking terrible thoughts, too awful even to say but I think Blackie knows these things.


Blackie was afraid her mother was attracted to her, a lesbian. Blackie thought things like this were beyond gross like super gagging where you could never stop.

Yes, Blackie knew stuff and Whitie could not ,so Blackie kept it hidden. Whitie developed phobias that she has to this day.

She is so phobic that people laugh at her when she tells them. "Poo, Whitie, no way, Just DOOOOO it : whatever it is, flying, driving, doctors, dentists, trips etc.

Whitie is a freak. What can I say? She is afraid of everything or just about.
 

[Ami]

When Whitie was in sixth grade, her mother started talking about lesbians. Whitie at least had enough bollas(look it up in--- Spanish) to tell her mother,"NOOOOOOOO, I don't want to hear about  it."
Whitie rarely stood up. She was semi-BAD then, but not all BAD so she could stand up now and then and this was one of those times.


Her mother was just plain GROSS  : seeing a dead body gross..Her body still makes a "Yuch" sound when she hears her mothers voice. It is a Yuch that could fill the air and the skies with a scream---YYYYYYUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHH!

 

[Ami]

Whitie carries the YUCH with her, in her deepest stomach. She keeps it there because she is afraid it will come out and cause all kinds of havoc.
It is a lot of Yuch.

[Ami]

Whitie took a 9 hour car trip and is staying overnight in the hotel.Whitie's stomach is having conniptions about the changes but Miss Uppity says "Everything will be OK if you  have a  basic pride and trust in yourself.Miss Uppity rocks,really
Miss Uppity can handle situations. She has a learning curve that Whitie does not. Whitie is kind of a robot. She can only think for herself under extreme duress and who wants to let it get to that ?

White is fat, dumb and happy. She  gets hit by words and blows and just sits there.  
 She wants safety, safety, safety. WHO could respect that?

 Actually Miss Uppity and Blackie hate Whitie. They want to overthrow her as soon as possible. She needs the serfs to revolt and overthrow her like Imelda Marcos. She has to go.





  

[Ami]

                                            

  Whitie, did you have ANY sense when your life was going down the tubes like Rome burning with you  just sitting there?
 I want to spit on your nice clothes. What was going on all around you while you were dressed up like a Barbie doll worrying about your hair-HUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH??

We hate Whitie. If we could stick a thousand vodoo's pins in her, we would. Letting herself be disrespected like that was a crime. How could she do it? How could she hate herself so much that her life fell at her feet like  confetti.
 Whitie kept trying to be nice when she should have gone Lizzie Borden on them.

                                                        

[Ami]

    
                                  
Miss Uppity died when Whitie threw herself at the DJ  : Ramada Inn, Durham NC.  She couldn't stay  in a body that could do that.
 She would rather be dead than be disrespected like that.
 

[Ami]

Let me give you a picture of Miss Uppity. She shops Talbots : low heeled shoes, skirts at the knee, blazers, colorful scarves, natural make-up, no black eye liner or bright red lips.
Miss Uppity is a professional and handles herself as such.She knows what to say for the occasion, not too stiff, lest you get that picture.
 As a teen, she learned to navigate life by trial and error. She didn't have to take care of a mentally ill mother.
 She learned the hows and whys of life as well as anyone and they stood her in good stead as she matured.

 Miss Uppity was wonderful while she was there. Whitie was  more peaceful in those  days when Miss Uppity could be counted on to SEE .
 Miss Uppity and Blackie could SEE but Whitie gave it up except in life or death situations and not always in those, either.
Whitie is gonna go moribund soon.

[Ami]

Today is Whities second day at the retreat, Some of these people have God's love like  high watt light bulbs.
Whitie sees God's love in their eyes NOT  like some  preaching, manic  people  you try to escape like a police chase.


There was a small woman's group and they asked everyone to share(5 people). They were all kind of intellectual. Whitie decided to break the ice and talk about BAD. She figured that people did not travel to South Carolina from Mayalsia, Canada and,England   just to be intellectual. There must be serious pain here .
 After Whitie shared, other woman opened up.
 
 

[Ami]

There are two new girls. They came up as Whitie is going down. They are Little Ami and Teeny Ami.
Teeny Ami just feels. Little Ami feels but can speak well enough to get ideas across.. Little Ami is probably from Kindergarten on.
 Teeny Ami was from birth to Nursery School.

Whitie may not die but is not gonna be making all the decisions. She was a freakin bad pilot.


Little Ami had feelings:  happy,   angry,  mine, mine,mine, afraid, dependent, fearful,, angry at Mother, hating Mother, thinking Mother was the biggest idiot who ever drew breath, loving Daddy, wondering why Daddy was always running away. Little Ami had warm loving people : Nana, Grammy, Aunt Sybil, Aunt Norma,Uncle Stevie, Nancy.
Little Ami was saved by the loving people.Otherwise, I don't think she would be here telling this story.

[Ami]

Yesterday, Whitie had quite a day at the retreat. You could put it in the good category but it had a few times Whitie wanted to fall in to the floor and dig a hole to China.

  Whitie is in a small group with 5  woman. The leader is a little clueless to be running a group on feelings .
 She said, 'Now that we got our feelings all  out, how about  we  go out to eat ?"
 

 Whitie is getting the clue that there are not all Perfect people out there. Whitie was not the ONE who fell  in to the circular file. There are a lot of screwed up people out there. Maybe, all of them?
Whitie does not know for sure but is formulating theories.


Whitie had an episode of big shame in the small group. Whitie was telling about Scott's suicide and her BAD. BAD is a big, scary topic for everyone.
 I don't know all the in's and out's of BAD but maybe most people don't want to touch it with a ten foot pole. Maybe, the few who CAN touch it have dealt with it.  You have to learn this stuff with on the job training. No one teaches you.

So, Whitie us bringing up BAD in the group . The leader has an "Oh , Shit" look on her face.

Whitie was talking about how she felt  self destructive particularly during her pregnancy with Scott.
 The leader  told Whitie that  she should be on drugs.

Then, Whities old messages from Mother and Husband,"You are crazy. They can all see you are crazy. They think God can't heal you cuz you are too much of a nut. You are one of the craziest who ever came here. They don't know what to do with you. The others have issues but you are crazy"

Whitie thought of her friend.  HE would understand and not call her crazy. She belonged. She had a place in this world where someone SAW her and accepted her and didn't think she was BAD.

She thought all these things as her body was starting to go in to a panic attack .Her friend LOVED her. He LOVED her. She was LOVED. She quieted down b/c if everyone hated her, HE loved her. It was OK.

Then, she said to the leader," Are you telling me that you think I am crazy? "The point was that Whitie did not let anyone back her down. She came out with her truth and didn't let anyone take it from her.
 Whitie stood for herself .

[Meh]

Sending a hug. Hug. Hug. Y'all

I'm rapping you a hug. A good morning caffeinated head nodding, Hug whoah, Hug Hug hug Yeah Yeah Yeah...
I can't listen to rap and write at the same time.

Isn't it cool how powerful love is, being loved by one person can counteract so much crap from the non-lovers.

Love is a powerful drug.

[Ami]

Sending a hug. Hug. Hug. Y'all

I'm rapping you a hug. A good morning caffeinated head nodding, Hug whoah, Hug Hug hug Yeah Yeah Yeah...
I can't listen to rap and write at the same time.

Isn't it cool how powerful love is, being loved by one person can counteract so much crap from the non-lovers.

Love is a powerful drug.

(((((Helen)))))            I miss being on the computer writing our threads. I am having such a profound and special time but look forward to getting home .                                                  xxxxooo Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Good stuff, Ami... sounds like you're having a productive time on the retreat, too. Good for you!!

An idea came to me, reading all about Whitie's bad & good & perfect people... I wonder if Whitie was mixing up "shame bad" with the kind of bad that goes against the 10 commandments, for instance? "Shame bad" can sometimes make a person feel like they are a bad person, you know? Through & through. But, even people who are essentially good people will sometimes do bad things - and it doesn't mean that they are "bad people"... after all, no one's perfect... everyone makes mistakes. And of course, God provides a way to repent and be forgiven even for the worst sins. Not even God thinks people are all good, all bad, or "perfect".  Maybe even God has bad days??

So I wonder, 'coz it just stands out to me, with "Whitie" and "Blackie"... if maybe there was a bit of what we call "black/white thinking" going on at a critical time for you? Absolutes... bad/good. They don't exist as absolutes in the world, I don't think. I think almost all things have good AND bad aspects to them. Even mosquitos are food for birds, you know? So that's a good thing about a bug that I generally think of as being "bad".

One of the basic parenting things you (should) learn, is to criticize/condemn the action of a child; not the child itself. But not all parents know this... or they learn it too late and the damage is already done in an emotionally sensitive child. Depending on the age of the child... or the persistence of this "habit" or manner of interacting with the child... it's easy to see how this could turn into "shame bad"... a feeling, a sense of, a "knowing" in the child that they are essentially bad. And each child who goes through this at a critical point in development... reacts differently.

Twiggy went through that; a very bad thing happened to her and she was shamed for it at a critical, traumatic moment... and without adult "help" to work through it back then Twiggy accepted the shame bad... and it "stuck", even though it was a hidden poison arrow. Didn't help that her mom sort of twisted the arrow every so often through projecting, either, ya know?

Maybe it's possible to teach Whitie that there is a difference between "shame bad" and doing bad things? Maybe Whitie can learn that most things aren't all good - all bad? And that people can DO things that are either good or bad... but that people are almost all some blenderized mix of the two?

One thing that I discovered by accident or intuition or trial & error, was that it was possible for me (now) to re-parent poor Twiggy and help her learn the things she needed and didn't get at the time she needed it the most. It was a big "mistake" for me to give up back then and make Twiggy "go away"... because Twiggy was a very essential part of "me". At the time, I felt like I had no choice thanks to my mom. I didn't think it was Twiggy's fault; I didn't feel she was "bad"; she was just a normal kid who went through a bad experience and needed a mom -- that she didn't have. So, I'm her "mom" now. It works out pretty good most days, too. Twiggy's growing up the way she should have back then...

... it's never too late.

[Ami]

Thank you, Amber. There is some good food for thought there                                        Ami

[Ami]

There is another girl.
Miss Manners is someone who is  asked questions about right and wrong.
 That is the only function she has :right/wrong.
Little Ami has another part--Mean Ami.  She was in the  closet with the door closed. She is very BAD.
  There is also Independent Ami.  When she comes up,  Whitie says,"Danger, Danger.
   You can't shame her very much.