Blackie/Whitie

[Meh]

Are you going to tell us more about the retreat or what?

[Portia]

I love this thread.

[Ami]

Are you going to tell us more about the retreat or what?

Thank you for asking. I just got home. I feel heart warmed that you asked me. I have so much to tell you!        xxooo  Ami

[Ami]

I love this thread.

Thank you,Portia. My heart  swelled that you wrote that !                         xxxooo    Ami

[Ami]

Whitie just got home  and had a cup of coffee--9PM but she had a headache from a 9 hour car trip. She was driving from the back seat She  should have her own wheel and brake  in case her H gets a sudden heart attack.
 

 Whitie was listening to her H talk to her son. All of a sudden Whitie realized,"Oh Shit. He is crazy". Whitie wants to cry. Her H is crazy like her M.
Whitie may not be crazy anymore cuz she can see it  .
Whitie wants to cry b/c she made the crazy people sane and HERSELF crazy.  She wanted  to belong . Whitie gave up her mind so she could  belong.

[Ami]

                                                  Self Hatred
Whitie had feelings of being BAD since she was young but they were not stuck  like permanent marker. That only happened at 14 when she consciously gave her soul and mind  to her NM and co-dependent Father. Her real self could not stay inside her anymore.  
 At 14, she merged with her M .
There must be a psychological term for what happened .Whitie could not feel or think for herself anymore. Her mother was inside her now and her mother waged war on the feeling parts of her.


                                                      Hatred for Little Ami
 Little Ami had to be hated and rejected for Whitie to be a Daughter.Whitie made the decision to abort Little Ami . She was banished like a political dissident  in a Communist country. The Communist Leadership was GOOD and the opponents were BAD.  
Little Ami was relegated to the dungeons .
 Little Ami had to be slapped regularly and punished for her stupid, uppity ideas.
Whitie's life ,now, was like white noise. Everything seemed the same.

[Ami]

I keep getting off the subject of self hatred but once Little Ami went in to the dungeons, everyone hated her:Mother, Father, Husband and Whitie herself.
Problems were all cuz Little Ami was BAD. She was a bad housekeeper, lazy, unappreciative,incompetent and selfish. Everyone agreed.

That is how people stay abused  :for all you"GET OVER IT " fans.

[Ami]

Little Ami has things to say. Little Ami talks in feelings.
Maybe Whitie will give Little Ami a bat so she can hit people who hurt her.
Little Ami hit that group leader three times. How dare she lead a group on emotions and  shame people who  share? Little Ami batted her a few times.The other people respected Little Ami and told her so at the end of the conference.

Yes, Little Ami stood up but first she needed her friend to love her. Maybe, it is that simple. You have to be loved and seen to move up from the dungeon.
 All the fancy words and theories mean nothing. Your face has to be held in the hands of love. When you sob, you need someone who is still there, at the end.

[Ami]

Little Ami is overwhelmed by feelings, mainly sadness. Whitie forgave many people when she was at the retreat. The hardest to forgive is herself.She disrespected herself so much. How can she forgive that?
Her son died cuz she could not see the house burning down. How can she forgive that?
She is stymied here at forgiveness of herself.

Maybe if Whitie tells you all the BAD things she did, she can forgive herself.It is worth a try.

 So many decisions about her marriage :  stay,  go, divorce ,would it help?, hurt, she had NO strength.  She  threw away the strong ones. She threw them away so she could be loved. Then, when she needed them, they were gone and all that was there was BAD, BAD, BAD.It didn't work;life didn't work with no strong ones.

Even at a Christian retreat, you have to be strong.  You can't smile sweetly and avoid it.You need muscle.
 Shouldn't I have learned this before?
 How old am I ,now, to be learning this elementary lesson?
 Mother put Independent Ami in the deepest dungeon.Independent Ami didn't know anything about life said  Mother with a thousand watt smirk. Independent Ami had to be put in her place;she was way too uppity. Mother smirked and raged and grimaced and turned a thousand shades of red when Independent Ami came out. So, Whitie shoved her to the deepest dungeons, too. Independent Ami was locked there and no one knew where to find the key.

[Meh]

HUGGG,,,,HUGGGGY,,,HUG    I'm listening to alvin and the chipmunks music, wait no I'm not, that is not a good idea or is it?

Happy that you are back to the board AMI....

Ouch, my ears.

[Ami]

HUGGG,,,,HUGGGGY,,,HUG    I'm listening to alvin and the chipmunks music, wait no I'm not, that is not a good idea or is it?

Happy that you are back to the board AMI....

Ouch, my ears.

LOVE those Hugs . Dittos to you,Helen !                                Ami

[Ami]

Little Ami's leaving was why Whitie got abused.
 Little Ami  FEELS.
 Little Ami's Mother fixed Little Ami  good so her voice was a squeak and Whitie could not hear or didn't want to.
  Whitie could not FEEL and marched in to Hell with both eyes open.


Little Ami loves to FEEL, even if they are icky or sad feelings. Today, Whitie told her H she had no feelings for him.
 Little Ami said,"I feel ick with him". Whitie told her husband in grown up language.
 Little Ami needs s/one to translate feelings in to language.


Mother told Little Ami,"Feelings are BAAAAAAAD". YOUOOO are BAAAAD when you have feelings. YOUOOOO are neurotic.Mother told Little Ami she was crazy for having feelings.
Little Ami thought she was crazy from 14 on.
Little Ami was scared to death of her feelings : danger, danger, bad, bad, you are gonna get hurt if you feel.
 Then, Little Ami could not FEEL any more.

[Ami]

Little Ami wants to respect her FEELINGS .
  
Are they like red hot wires?  What is  scary about FEELINGS?

Maybe, she would FEEL the truth about M . Maybe , that was what was scary. Maybe Mother didn't want Little Ami to know the truth about her.

Maybe, FEELING is freedom. Maybe a person who FEELS can figure out life. Maybe abusers can't imprison a person who FEELS. Could that be it?
Maybe, if you can FEEL, you can ACT. Maybe , abusers don't want you to ACT.
Maybe, if you can  FEEL and ACT, you can direct your life. Maybe, you could be INDEPENDENT. Was that why Mother took away Little Ami's FEELINGS.
 Maybe, if you FEEL, you have your own power. Maybe, FEELINGS are the engine to your life. Where can the car GO if the engine is disabled---huh?
Maybe , if you FEEL, you can't be manipulated so easily. Maybe, trusting your FEELINGS is a security. Maybe, if you are secure, you are not DEPENDENT. Maybe, if you are not dependent, you can get away from Mother.

Maybe, if you can FEEL, you can connect with yourself.  Maybe, if we can FEEL and trust our feelings we can be intimate with ourselves and others?
 Maybe, we will not be lost anymore if we can find our FEELINGS.
Maybe, being centered is being centered in our FEELINGS? What do you think?

[Ami]

Whitie had some supernatural  experiences at the retreat.Supernatural experiences are better than any other high,if you want to call it that.
 She met an English guy who had the most amazing supernatural experience and after that his fears of life were gone, just like that, and never came back.
 He travels the world, alone , and is never afraid.
 What could top that, really?

[Ami]

Whitie  never had the security of a stable mother and so her whole life has been an exercise in finding safety, safety, safety.
 How safe would God's arms be? How safe would your life be if God held it in His hands? You could never be dropped.

That is what Whitie is contemplating, tonight. It feels good, very good. It feels like Mother can go in to the background ,for the first time. It is OK. Whitie is gonna take a Fizzie bath.