Advise for dating

[Lupita]

After the whole week with out hearing from him, he called me yesterday Sunday to invite me to a rock concert. I could not say no. I said yes. He picked me up and we had a good time waiting for the entree since it was a huge event, had fun enjoying the music. He took me home almost saying nothing and said good bye just like that.

I do not understand. I like him a lot but he makes me feel sad. That I am not pretty enough.

Dont know why.

[Ami]

After the whole week with out hearing from him, he called me yesterday Sunday to invite me to a rock concert. I could not say no. I said yes. He picked me up and we had a good time waiting for the entree since it was a huge event, had fun enjoying the music. He took me home almost saying nothing and said good bye just like that.

I do not understand. I like him a lot but he makes me feel sad. That I am not pretty enough.

Dont know why.

I don't get it,Lupita. He must like you if he invited you out, right?                       Ami

[lighter]

I do not understand. I like him a lot but he makes me feel sad. That I am not pretty enough.

Dont know why.

Well, Lupe.....

can you just sit back and let those feelings wash over you?

Not act on them or keep giving them energy?

You had a good time on first date, and your expectations for the future were.....

well.....

they were what they were.

It's not helping to assume negatives, when you have doubt.

There's no telling what this guy has going on in his head.

Maybe he's married?  Maybe he doesn't feel good enough for you? Maybe he knows you want only a seriouse relationship, and he isn't ready for seriouse?

 Maybe he's worried about some physical problem, you know nothing about?

There are many other reasons he could be behaving differently than you would prefer.

Lastly......

maybe he's a manipulative, womanizing jerk who likes to control women and make them feel insecure?

Please don't assume this is all about you not being good/sexy/nice/attractive/ enough.

((Lupita))

Take care of you....

self care rituals, keep dancing, keep going out and having coffee with new people.

Mo2

[HeartofPilgrimage]

What were you hoping for in this date? And, what were you hoping his behavior would be?

The main negative thing I read in your post was that he didn't talk on the way home ... everything else sounded OK. And there are a million reasons why he didn't talk on the way home, most of them might have nothing to do with you. He might have had a personal problem on his mind. He might have not been feeling good but didn't want to say so.

Unless there's more to the story than you wrote in your post, I would not jump to negative conclusions on this.

[Lupita]

He wrote me this letter. Is this a goodbye letter?????????????


Hi

Thank you for coming the concert on such short notice.  It was really not the
appropriate venue for either one of us, but it was interesting for it's "social"
content.  Your son is a very talented pianist.  I knew this musical piece, but
didn't know it's name.  You are a special person and I am amazed with what you
have been able to achieve. Stay well!

Regards,


I wrote him back telling how nice it has been meeting him and that I will be praying for him to heal his wounds.



 his wife just left him five months ago and the divorced was just finalized, and he was sad about it.  At least that is what he told me.

But I am starting to think that he just likes to make people feel insecure. I started to think that he is an emotional predator and he probably does not even know it. I donotknow what to think. Really. It has been 20 years twenty since I dated so I have no idea what is going on.


Whateved yout thoguths are I will appreciate them because I am very confused. Like I am always confused with everything. I never feel certain of anything. Alwasy doubting everything.

[Ami]

I think he really likes you and maybe did not talk cuz he was shy or just felt like being quiet. Have you ever read any e books on male/female relationships ?
 Since we did not have M's who taught us basic things about life, it helps to read basic common sense things about like and relationships.        Ami

[Hopalong]

Hey Lup,
I have been there, so many times.
So much loneliness and yearning and a little bit of interest and I'm picking out the living room furniture in my mind.
Planning on love before love is evident.

I really do plead with you to go buy a paperback called A Fine Romance by Dr. Judith Sills.

She addresses EXACTLY where you are right now, with much more intelligence than I could. And she's detailed! It'll help you more than you can imagine!

What her book helped me do is stop taking it personally, stop micro-analysing every exchange, and recognize that when I did (for decades, actually), I was NOT helping love come into my life, but driving it away.

It's the same old tedious answer...we do NOT find peace or wholeness because somebody else looks at us like they're a solider in the desert, abandoned by their unit, with both legs wounded, never more alone in their lives, and here comes Betty Grable with a canteen and a Red Cross jeep.

He is not going to rescue you from sorrow. He is just enjoying your company.

I didn't detect anything predatory in his letter. He was thanking you. Praising your son and praising you.

His tone is a little bit reserved. This may be his nature.

It doesn't necessarily reflect indifference though it is too soon to know. It might.
Your task is to gather information by observing and by containing yourself, so you can tolerate something ambiguous, especially in these early stages.

You must reassure yourself, that you have an inner voice.

Problem right now is, your hungry inner child is bellowing so loud you can't hear your discerning adult, so you're terrified of being hurt. And until you calm the inner bellower, you won't have access to wisdom and calm.

That can be like "romantic PTSD" in a way, because it makes you jump in the street when somebody drops a paper cup.

He just sent you a note, that's all. It said thank you. "Regards" COULD be a sign of coldness OR simply a reserved personality. If there is no followup, that's the information you are watching for. If there IS followup, then you know he's tentatively taking his own shy steps.

This is not going to go away. It's NORMAL. This two-step dance.

You just don't know the outcome yet and your challenge is to be happy even while not knowing.

No "he" holds the key to your happiness. Only you do.

love, and please read that book...

Hops

[Hopalong]

PS--
I can help with one clue:

the whole week with out hearing from him, he called me

What's a "whole week"? It's really a kind of normal time period in a busy life.

But "a whole week" implies you're on the edge of your seat in desperation, clutching the phone.

That's your signal that what you're feeling is not coming from your adult loving self.

Don't feel badly about it, but observe yourself (and notice your thought stream, listen to what you say to yourself and CHALLENGE it)...just as closely as you observe him.

Even more closely.

love,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Lupita
 It might help you to write all your feelings and all the things that happen out here, as you have been doing, but with the goal that you can get reality checks from other people.
 Our FOO tapes make us think self defeating thoughts about things. These thoughts can be way off base.
                   Ami

[debkor]

Lup,

Don't do this.  You have lots of fears I am reading from you.  I'm not pretty enough.  Lies playing in your head, old tapes, of lies.

He is newly out of a marriage and with a good or bad one, comes grief, healing's because something has come to an end.

You say he is wounded and was sad. 

You also said he does not want commitment he is not ready.

I don't see anything you have written that appears to me that he does not enjoy you, is lying, is un-interested in you.  It it appears he is and enjoys dating you.

It appears he wants to take things slow and is exclusive to nothing.  He should not be Lup.  Nor should you.

Right now you both are on a *get to know you* level and there is not timing on that. 

I don't see anything in his email either that is a Dump you email.  I see a nice had a good time with you note and how you are an amazing woman.

It sounds like he has some *emotional baggage* to deal with Lup and sad times are upon him.  He needs to work it out.
Not you. It does not belong to you. 

He was quiet because he was sad and nothing ...We Know...in the world can change that but Healing of Wounds (ours). 

Can you deal with this Lup?  He is newly divorced and had a bad day.  Can you just date and enjoy and expect nothing more then just date for now? 

He's trying to move on and sometimes As we all know...easier said then done and it's not always *fun* for others to be around us at moment.  Those moments can sneak up and bite you in the butt when you don't even see them coming..And has nothing to do with the other person you were with..(as in your date that night). 

Maybe he should have not asked you out that night for it was the day of his divorce.  He may have not know this was going to happen. He probably didn't want to stay home and wanted to enjoy your company (as he said he did).  He just has some working out of things/emotions of his own. 

And again, you don't know him that well.  He could be wonderful, an N, a Jerk, but you don't know him. 

You know what N said to me one time...You only know what I tell you...And boy that was the truth....for then.  Wish I had got to know him better with time...I jumped to quick....and ignored my gut.

Are you wondering at all Lup if this man is just newly out of a marriage and has some Healing to do and he needs to be exclusive to that even if he just puts toes in the water and dates to get to know another..such as you.

No commitment, no exclusive, just dating and getting to know another...for now.  Slow.

Also if your gut is telling you something about ths man then go with it but you seem to be more disappointed and insecure with his contact to you and that he is not doing the ...I want to see you then, and when, and today, and I'll call you tommorrow, and this weekend, and since it's not you think there is something wrong with you.  There is not. 

It's just dating and seems to be really Normal..Slow. 

Your getting to know him.  You already know (from what I gathered) from your reads...that last date he was sad because he was divorced that very day and quiet on his ride home.....You attached that to you.  I'm not pretty enough. He is wounded, lup.
And you didn't do it.  So don't take it on that your not pretty enough.  We cannot fix others wounds.  He is feeling it as we feel wounds.

You are dating a wounded/healing man. 

I remember he mentioned he is not ready for a commited relationship and I mentioned that I would only go for exclusivity since the opposite of excusivity is promiscuity

.

his wife just left him five months ago and the divorced was just finalized, and he was sad about it.  At least that is what he told me.

And....

Once told to me by my ex-h...You only know what I tell you...that is the most truth he ever said.

He could be wounded/healing, a Predator, and N, a Prince, anything Lup...You know nothing about him but you know yourself.

Listen to your gut feelings, trust yourself, Not your lies in your head old tapes..(not good enough) and like Hops said, observe. 


He probably has a lot of emotional baggage he has not dealt with.  It's only 5 months since his wife left him. 

Or...remember...

You only know truly What he Tells you...which could be truth..or non...truth...

Slow Lup...it's a risk..which is worth taking (dating) with open eyes, mind, ears, and again...Observations. 

Use all your knowledge you have learned. You are equipped and have tools. 

Your self judging.  Oh it's because I'm not pretty enough?

Nope.

It may be because...He is telling you..I'm not exclusive, I'm not ready, I'm wounded, but I sure do like you and think you are an amazing woman with an amazing son. I may have a lot of baggage, issues, to heal from or I could be a jerk.

This comes with dating and just getting to know some one Slowwwwly......we all want to rush time when you enjoy the other...and all pull out our insecurities when it don't feel right to whatever (the individual) is feeling.

So this Lup seems Normal dating to me...more normal then I had done in the past.   At least this time (and seems for him too) we are aware of ..take it slow.  Do it right.  And Observe.

Remember he is newly out of a marriage as insecure with dating, himself, his feelings, as you are.  Maybe?   

So many things to feel out...by time...getting to know each other...and ..your gut. 

Love
Deb

[Lupita]

Thank you so much for your responses, dear firends. Your responses touched me very deeply. They are very thoughtful and very important to me.

He has not called. I do not think he is ever going to call again. I have to depend on my self to feel well.

Yesterday I went to tango class and practice. The most experience dancer danced with me and could not enjoy it because this is still hurting.

I still go to all my activities, organizing my walks, going to dance lessons, trying to have a good time, but this "rejection" still is bomping in to my head. Does not go away. I do not know why.

Notice that I am writing rejectgion in quotations "rejectio"

It was not really a rejection. He might have been wanting sex with out working for it and I am a hard peice of work. I am not going to bed with anybody unless he deserves me. That I am strong enough to do and do not need any encouragenment to do it on my own. I am a very hard to get when  that aspect is refered.

So, there are many possibilities. And we never know if I might find him around again.

I have met around 20 guys from this website and this is the only I liked. One this. I did not want to see anybody else.

I know, I feel inferior because I am hispanic and I am afraid that I will never find the appropriate man.  hispanic men in my community are very unaduacted. I have not been lucky to find a hispanic man with an education. Even white men are difficult to find educated.

Other thing, my friend W was very ignorant. I did not like that.

And I do not mean  PhD. I just mean, wisdom, common sense, intelligence, ooen mind, open to other cultures and differences in people. open to negotiaction fo desires, etc.

When we get to this degree of conciusness we get very lonely becasue we want to find somebody like us and it is difficult to find.

I do not know what I am saying. Please, friends, keep talking to me. I need you.

[Lupita]

Hopalong, I will buy that book today. hope that I can find it at Barnes n Noble or Borders.

[Ami]

(((((((Lupita))))))))                                     Ami

[lighter]

Lupita:

You're still dancing....

still walking.....

still reaching out and asking to be understood.

Life is good.

Dwell on the positives.....

wonder about the rest, but remember.....

all you have is today.

Yesterday is gone.

Tomorrow's just a dream.

What are you doing with today?

Look around...... count your blessings.

Tomorrow they may not be there.

Maybe now is a good time to write out a list of everything you want to do.

Then start in.

When you're happy.....

people want to be near you.

Mo2

[sus]

How are you today Lupita?

You had a couple fun dates.  You never know when he will pop up again.  But either way is ok.  You are beautiful and valuable just because you are you.

*hugs*