Hey y'all!
Sorry to start a topic then run off and abandon it like that. My life gets way to crazy sometimes.
And before I forget, thank you for all the nice compliments. I thought I would include a picture because I like to see who I am talking to, and I guess every one else does, too.
(((Bettyanne))) Glad to see you! I used to go to OA, too. Now I work evenings and the only meeting here is on Tuesday night, when I need to go to work.
About the CD's. I found the web site:
http://www.smartfatloss.com/ This is a set of 8 CDs and a workbook. There is also another CD and a a book with a diet in it (at least there was in mine; remember I got it at a garage sale) with a diet that I found impossibly hard to follow. I am a vegetarian and the diet involved quite a bit of lean meat. I used the South Beach Diet instead, which is ridiculously simple and easy to follow, if only you have the will to do it.
Ami, I know what you mean about all the catch-22's. It was like living in a minefield in her house. She did it with my weight, my grades, my friends, my looks...nothing was right. Then she wondered why I rebelled as a teenager. Oh, and she hated my friends, especially this one guy who drove a 1966 Mustang and always dressed in raggy flannel shirts, but who was really my best friend in those days, and remained so for the rest of my life. Ultimately I
really rebelled and married him. HA!
Sealynx, mine loves to go out to eat. I mean, like every meal. She is always trying to drag me with her, and then force me to eat stuff that is not on my plan. She is forever messing with me about eating salads, ever since the debacle on vacation when I told NSIL I was not going to eat more than one bad salad in a day. I guess as a vegetarian, I should just eat whatever crappy lettuce leaves somebody puts in front of me. That is apparently my punishment for being "different" and not eating meat like she does. She would not bake anything for me or anybody else if you paid her to do it. That is too much like work.
Twoapenny, I tried shifting my paradigms to the "healthy food" idea. I am a vegetarian, eat only whole grains and mostly organic produce, even bake my own bread. Unfortunately, it is still possible to eat way too much "good stuff." All those magazines that say you can lose weight and still eat all you want, so long as it's the right stuff--they never met me.
Hops,
I've always heard that excess fat is a wall we construct...to protect ourselves from intimacy.
As lovely as you are, if you were at a perfect weight, men would want to be even closer to you.
One of them might even love you, offer you his heart, invite you to share his life. Commitment.
I think you are on to something here. It's not exactly like you said; I am married to my very best friend and am very much in love with him. And even in spite of all the sexual abuse I have been through, I don't think it's about that, either. I am very good at protecting myself physically and emotionally from unwanted attention.
But the fat does seem like an insulation of some sort. Even the way it's positioned on my body . . . . it's all in front, like some sort of body armor. I thought that if I made myself stronger, I would feel safer about losing it, but that only works to a degree. I am really sort of afraid to exercise, too, and will make up any excuse not to do it or to exert myself as little as possible.
I have always ensured in one way or another, in the past, that I won't get what I want. . . ......
I haven't given up, though.
I think my overeating (and like you, self-sabotage when the goal's within reach) is a loss of nerve. Do I really believe I'm entitled to be at my fittest, THAT radiant, THAT healthy, THAT potent?
Wow. If I did that, what else does it suggest I might do? Can I handle all that power? Will I fail?
This really seems like the crux of it. If I can manage my weight, what else could I have done? Why am I still at this loser job? Why am I in debt? Why am I so disorganized? What ELSE have I f*ed up that I don't want to think about?
Of course, that is more tapes from my past. I just can't seem to escape them.
Lollie, I know what you mean. I live on a busy state road, and I am always waiting for a truck to hit me as I pull out of my driveway. Literally. I'm not really afraid of it, I just ahve it in the back of my mind that even though I can see a mile down the road, a truck will materialize out of nowhere and slam into me. My husband says he feels the same way, as if now that we have a life we like and we have each other and our son, someday everything will just blow up in our faces. His particular fear is a heart attack.
Heart of Pilgrimage, I wish I was little like you. I have always envied tiny women. I am literally big-boned, as in I cannot wear many bracelets and anklets because they just don't go around my wrists and ankles. When you do lose your weight, you will look so cute. I am jealous already!
Rugratz,
My husband's coworkers say I have a pretty face and that I am nice but do you think that is good enough???no, my body is fat and I don't know how anyone could like me. That is exactly what goes thru my mind...
Yes, exactly! I went back to work when my son was 2, and I weighed about 30 or 40 pounds more than I do now. I still made good money, because I have a great personality and terrific sales skills, but was that good enough? NOOOOOOOO! My husband still loved me and my son never stopped thinking I am the best, but does that satisfy me? NOOOOOOOOOOO!
JustKathy, WOW! How could anybody say such a mean thing! But I get what you mean about her wanting to keep you fat so that she could have a reason to pick on you. It's all about them keeping us down, isn't it!
As for me, I am still stuck on my plateau. Money has been tight these last few weeks, which makes it hard for me to buy the healthy food I need to stay on my diet. (Bread and pasta are so much cheaper) And the home school year has started, creating yet another level of confusion in my house. I have been listening to my CDs and trying to figure out how to adapt my daily routines to make it easier to follow my eating plan. I have this related issue, like Hops said, that I don't feel entitled to have good food because it costs more, and I don't feel like I should take the time for myself to prepare healthy foods and to exercise.
Here is my song for the day:
I run my life, or is it running me?
I run form my past;
I run too fast,
or too slow it seems.
Lady Antebellum, "Run to you"
I hope we can keep this topic going. I think I have a lot to learn here.
Thanks ladies, for your support.
