Help Wanted...visit required by N

[Singer]

Hi All,

Last night I received a phone call from my Nmother basically commanding me to come to her home on Sunday. The reason is, my nephew who recently married, is going to be there with his new wife. This is not a purely social visit; he's going to be installing some window blinds in her upstairs bedroom. Purely social visits are not allowed.

As a little background, in an earlier post I referred to a huge argument I had with my Nmother when she accused this nephew of stealing some cash from her house while she was asleep. The nephew lives 200 or so miles away and doesn't have a key to her house, and anyway later she found the missing cash. Still, he's her favorite grandchild, so I must be there.

I'm just beginning to realize that even as a child I was an accessory, kind of a lap dog when I was small and now as an adult in my mid fifties I've become kind of the family screw-up who would be happy to attend any gathering because I have nothing else to do.

I don't want to go, but I will go. My stomach is in knots and I know exactly how it will be. My nephew will be upstairs installing the blinds and my sister, the new wife, and I will be downstairs while my Nmother basically smothers the bride with her so called charm. My sister will beam appreciatively, and I will sit there, keep my mouth shut, and smile appropriately because I will have absolutely nothing to contribute to the "conversation".

After the visit, my Nmother will tear the new wife apart. She's already complaining that it's too bad my nephew has to "drag her around when he has work to do."

Any opinions or suggestions on getting through this will be welcome. When I was a kid I'd just bring a book, but I doubt that would be acceptable today. I've already been advised that I MUST abandon my diet (I've lost 45 pounds in the last year and a half ...YAY!) and have pizza to "be sociable." Ackkkkk, I don't think so, Mom.

I know I could just not go, but I don't want the nephew and his wife to think I'm avoiding them, and my nephew adheres to the unwritten rule of no family visits that are not sanctioned by the Nmother/Grandmother.

Help!

Singer

[bunny]

Singer,

One day you'll be strong enough to "send your regrets" and not go when commanded. Your mother will survive and she will even start respecting you. I've been there. It's scary at the time but the results are worthwhile.

But for Sunday when you go, have a game plan for the visit and for afterward. For example, DO bring a book. If your mother doesn't like it, tough. She has to learn in small steps that people have wills of their own. Ns can adapt to this idea if it's presented to them firmly. Also be ready to leave *before* she wants you to. What will you do to be good to yourself afterward? Do you have a therapist or friend to call?

some suggestions based on my own experience,
bunny

[Singer]

Hi Bunny,

Thanks for your input. I'm really kind of upset with myself that I'm still not strong enough to just send my regrets. I think in a way I'm just not ready to sever contact with that part of my family altogether, which I fear would be the outcome in the "all or nothing" world that nM has constructed.

I did let her know that I was only going to drop in for a few minutes to meet the new wife, and that then I had to leave. Of course she wanted to know why, so I started the "things to do" excuses that just lead to argument. "Of course you're so BUSY you have no time," said loaded with sarcasm. So I let it drop. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll feel more able to stick to that resolve. I have doubts; I've bent to her will for so long that it's second nature to me.

I don't have a therapist or even a friend to confide in. Over the years I've become a complete loner. Friendly to people I meet at work, or in the apartment complex, but definitely wary of having anyone get close.  Fear of criticism or ridicule, I suppose, or just an uncertainty about how to set boundaries. Again the "all or nothing" mentality.

I really appreciate your common sense; that's what I'm looking for and find the most helpful.

Singer

[Tai-blossom]

I know I could just not go, but

 No "buts"--if you don't want to, so much so that your stomach is in knots--don't go!    

I don't want the nephew and his wife to think I'm avoiding them, and my nephew adheres to the unwritten rule of no family visits that are not sanctioned by the Nmother/Grandmother.

you are creating unnecessary pain for yourself by living your life according to trying to please others, because you are worrying too much about what they think. this is at the price of what is good and healthy for you.

what is important is your own inner well being and not willingly subjecting yourself to disrespect and dysfunction.  

in essence you are saying "if I don't subject myself to being used as an accessory and upkeeping the unhealthy family roles-what will everyone think".

and now as an adult in my mid fifties I've become kind of the family screw-up who would be happy to attend any gathering because I have nothing else to do.

Whykeep passively reinforcing "your role" in things? why must you feel you must be there to do that? you are in your mid-fifties and still playing your childhood role.you could do it until you are 70 or you could stop it right now.

surprise everyone--break the cycle and say that you do have something else to do that was preplanned, and don't go.  

you can either deal with the slack of yourself changing within the family, which will make you a happier, healthier person, or you can continue to deal with the slack that gets dumped on you as part of the usual family ritual.

Slack either way--why not choose the one that will create the best in life for you!

peace----

[Moonflower]

.......

[Anonymous]

Hi Singer,

This is oh so familiar.  Whatever you do you will not "win", that is, Nmom will not approve.  So my advice is to "lose" on your own terms.  We already know your mother will not be happy no matter what you do.  So a) don't go, b) go for a short while, or c) go for a long while.  After you are gone, your N is going to trash you.  So what outcome do you want?

I think if I were at your stage of strength/weakness, I would go with major exit strategy in mind.  I would wait until Nmom goes upstairs with grandson, say a few encouraging words to his new wife and a hearty "welcome to the family!" and bolt.  Keep your feet moving to your car.  Listen to the noise later.  You might even take a small gift as a little hello (jar of jam, a small gesture) for both your sis and new SIL.  As if to say, it's not YOU!  Buh bye!  

My two cents.  Take a nice long shower when you get home   .  Good luck Singer!  Seeker

[Singer]

Thank you all for your input. I know very well the the best solution to my problem is to simply not go. Tai-blossom, you made some very solid points, but the one that resonated most with me was this:

Whykeep passively reinforcing "your role" in things? why must you feel you must be there to do that? you are in your mid-fifties and still playing your childhood role.you could do it until you are 70 or you could stop it right now.

I had to cringe internally when I read that because of course it's the truth, except I'm sure it could continue well past my seventies. Today I got out of the apartment, took a long walk and looked around at all the others out on this Saturday going about their adult business and realizing I was possibly one of the few people over the age of thirteen who was worried about doing something that was going to make my mother mad at me. The absurdity of the situation is not lost on me. But it's an emotional issue, and not one that I've faced head on until recently. I have a lot of work to do, obviously.

This is oh so familiar. Whatever you do you will not "win", that is, Nmom will not approve. So my advice is to "lose" on your own terms. We already know your mother will not be happy no matter what you do. So a) don't go, b) go for a short while, or c) go for a long while. After you are gone, your N is going to trash you. So what outcome do you want?

I think one of the hardest things for me to accept was just that. That no matter what I did she is going to trash me anyway. Part of it is due to personal family history. At eighteen I went out into the world and it didn't take me long to fall flat on my face. Instead of getting up and getting on with it, I returned home in disgrace and settled for the role that I've lived ever since. I've tried to live my life doing the right thing and it wasn't until I realized that something was undeniably wrong with how things were in the family that I realized the real reason that I couldn't make up for the past.

In Nm's world, you are your mistakes. And since she has never made a mistake, she has the right to define what each person is. If that sounds a little God-like, well she's going to have a chat with him regarding the undeserving rest-of-us just as soon as she's in his presence. Some of us are just getting away with way too much.

Congrats on losing the weight. I've lost 20 since I split away from my Nmom last January. You have to be careful with N's, they will sabotage your diet, as well as your happiness.

I am 50 years old, and I could kick myself for putting up with my Nmom's crap for 49 of them. We aren't spring chickens anymore. We have to grab what happiness we can now.

I gained weight through frustration and unhappiness, starting when I moved back to my hometown five years ago. Before that I saw my Nm maybe two or three times a year at most, and was a normal weight. I had very unrealistic hopes that now that we were all up in years, we'd come together as a real family. When that didn't happen I decided it must be due to the embarassment I was to my Nm, and tried to numb myself. Didn't work, of course. I just became an overweight embarrassment to the Nm.

Someone on another thread said that when it came down to it, it was either "me or her", or something to that effect. That's why this forum is so helpful. Who else would believe how much grief an eighty year old woman could still cause.

Thanks,

Singer

[Singer]

Hi again,

Just wanted to post an update. Got another call from Nmother and the visit is off. My sister has called and told her that there was another event that she, my nephew and his wife have to attend tomorrow.

I have a feeling that my sister has figured things out and came up with the same remedy that you all have suggested.  Common sense has prevailed.

Thanks again (and thank you, Sis!)  

Singer

[bunny]

the visit is off.

Good!!!  

bunny

[Tai-Blossom]

Singer-

I'm so glad it's off for you.I wish for you-- strength for future situations.

You can do what your sister did, next time    

Keep thinking on it all very deeply-- and all the healing, and power in the world to you!

[Anonymous]

You all are the best. And believe me, I will be thinking hard about what went on today.  Both about feeling unable to do the rational thing and about how much it helped to put the problem out there instead of just letting it eat away at me.

I learned early on that to exhibit emotion was a weakness and a sure way to be squelched . Decidedly feeling not squelched here!

Singer

[Anonymous]

Dear Singer,

I have just recently seen the light.  I always tried to be the "perfect daughter", too. I'm 51 and thought that I had the power to make everything right for my parents. I definetely was a parent pleaser.  Now I see how programmed I was.  

You need to set boundaries with your mother. In order to do that, you have to KNOW that you are worth the effort.  Start learning to love yourself.  Do whatever it takes.  Read the Bible, books on self-esteem, join a choir-you are a Singer, so SING!!!  My point is get the help you need.  A good therapist is worth every penny.

Once you gain strength and emotional self-control, you will be able to manage your situation. You might decide that it's either you or her and sever ties.  That is very painful and is such a personal decision.  In my case, my parents have disowned me because I refused to tolerate their behavior.  I suggest that you surround yourself with friends and family who truly love you.  I learned that when I gave up my perfectionism, I became much more loveable.  The right people won't leave you if you're not perfect.  I can tell you that it feels so good to be loved unconditionally.

Finally, I know this might to hard to do, but pray for your mother.  Pray that your heart will be able to forgive her.  Forgiveness is freedom.  It doesn't mean that she is right or that you have to tolerate her.  It's for YOU, not her.

I wish you love, strength and wisdom on your journey to yourself.  I promise you that all the pain is worth it.

Dinny

[Anonymous]

Forgot to tell you- I've lost 23 pounds and still going since I've cut ties.  So much baggage!

Dinny

[Singer]

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Dinny. Funny you should mention being a "parent pleaser". I had just come to that realization recently. It was a very strange feeling to repeatedly try to help someone only to be told over and over again how selfish and spoiled I am. Very confusing until I realized it was just part of the game. Any contact provides fuel for rejection.

Congratulations on your weight loss. For me it seems like a way to take back control, maybe on a very basic level. I don't have to absorb anything except what I choose. Childish thinking maybe, but I never learned to assert myself as a child so it's better late than never, I suppose. Very strengthening in a way, and it will have to be in lieu of therapy for now. At least it's a lot cheaper.  

Singer

[Anonymous]

Hi Singer,

You are so right about weight loss.  It is something that I can control. In my case, I think the extra fat served as a form of protection from my father.  I was always "Skinny Dinny" as a kid.  When I became a teen-ager, my father would act weird.  Like if we were shopping together, he would want people to think that we were a couple.  He would put my mother down because she was a little overweight.  Once I started dating, he was very critical of the guys to the point of punching the wall and calling me a slut.  One night, he came in my bedroom and stood over me with his hand on my breast.  I was terrified.  I don't know if it was sexual or him just giving me the message that HE was still in control.  Now that he ISN'T controlling my life, I feel the freedom to look good for myself.

You're also right about every time you have contact, it's a rejection.  And then you have to grieve that rejection.  That just happened to me about a month ago when I tried to reconcile so that they could come to my daughter's wedding.  I gave them the opportunity to do the right thing and they couldn't do it because it was on my terms, not theirs.  I did that for me and it gave me such a wonderful sense of relief.

Taking control of my life has been a very powerful process.  I still have a way to go, but I'm getting there.  Best of luck to you.

Dinny