I can't believe she did this

[nolongeraslave]

Two a penny,

My sympathies and heart goes out to you! I hope everything works out in the end, even though it was disgusting what your NM did. Ugh, these people will do anything to make people miserable!

You have every right to vomit after seeing a picture of your step-dad. I don't know much about legal advice, but hopefully you can work something out.

[Ales2]

TwoAPenny - I'm sending you my very best wishes for resolving this matter.  I also sense your NM has some revengeful anger towards you from your issues with your StepDad.   She's violating you twice with this. This is AWFUL!  Wishing you strength in standing up for yourself. 

Best, Alesia

[Twoapenny]

Hello again everyone, and thank you again for your kind responses and good wishes.

I have spoken to the police.  I called them last night and they sent an officer round to the house.  He took me through the procedures for reporting 'historic abuse' as he called it and I explained to him a bit about the overall family situation, particularly with reference to my mum's repeated calls to various agencies about my little boy's disability being due to my neglect of him.  I told him that I feel she's been doing that to make sure I don't report my step-dad (ie she's discrediting me and making sure I'm kept busy sorting out the mess she's created).  He said that if it's happened frequently and there's no evidence to support the claims she's made that she could be charged with witness intimidation.  He also said that, based on what I told him, my step-father could be arrested on several different counts.  He's obviously made it very clear that the fact that there is a suspicion to arrest doesn't mean there will be enough evidence to charge, or that there will necessarily be a conviction, but the fact that he took me seriously and believed me has made a huge difference.

I haven't made a formal statement yet, but I told him that my worry about making a statement is that my mum will report me for child abuse again to try and shut me up like she did last time.  He said that social services would have to investigate any allegation that was made, whoever it came from, but that the police would make them aware of the reason for the accusation and, in his words, work very hard to ensure no-one intimidates me into dropping the charges.

My sister doesn't know about the sexual abuse and it is her dad that I'm reporting so I have to tell her today and I have no idea how she is going to react and I'm not looking forward to it.  But I'm glad I've made the first step and the police have already seemed very supportive and didn't seem suprised about my mum's behaviour - usually I'm met with disbelief and an assumption that she must have a good reason for the way she behaves.

So thank you again everyone for all of your support and kind words, it's really made a difference and made me feel like I'm not so alone.  I will keep you posted and I hope that this experience might help someone else who is thinking about involving the police with their own situation.

Hugs, Twoapenny xx

[Redhead Erin]

(((((Twoapenny))))))

I have another question:  Since your son has a diagnosis of autism, what on earth is wrong with all these people you have been dealing with, that they would even give credence to your mother's stupid ideas?  Even if you were an abusive parent (which I know you are not) it would not cause your son's condition.  It seems to me you can sue Child Protection Services or whoever you have been dealing with for mishandling your son's case.  Even if professional A put in your file that you caused your son's autism by abusing him, professional B should have looked at that and realized it was not right. 

In the United States, every person (or team) who handles a patient for more than a few minutes has to do his own examination of that patient.  For example, if the paramedics pick someone up, they have to evaluate the patient.  Then when they come into the ER, the ER team has to evaluate. If there is a shift change, the new team has to evaluate.  If the person has to stay in the hospital, the nurses on his floor have to evaluate him.  And again every shift change.  And so on.   This is meant to insure that the people treating the patient are not acting on someone else's faulty information. IF the so-called professionals who handled your son's case were evaluating him by reading your file, and not by examining him and interviewing you, that may be grounds for a law suit. 

It sounds like every single person who has touched your son's case has messed it up in some way.  I wish you the best in trying to straighten this out.

[lighter]

Oh twopenny:

It made me feel sick to read no one can stop your mother from continuing the abuse, the reports of child neglect or witness intimidation.

About the photo of your step father exposing himself to you......

did you show that to the policeman?

Keep it safe, in any case.

Also, you may find that your step sister has stories about her father too.

She might not be as surprised as you think.

People who cross those kinds of boundaries don't necessarily stop with their own children.


I'm sending you strength and prayers (((twopenny.)))

Take care of yourself.

Mo2

[cgm1028]

Dear Two:

Bravo to you! 

You took a huge scary step in the right direction.  Abuse is all about power and control over another person.  Keeping them weak, dependent and fearful.  Today you took all that away from them and reclaimed yourself.  No matter what the outcome you sent a message to your NM and Step-father that you are no longer that helpless child.  Now its important you write down everything she says to you.  Date, time conversations.  Just in case she tries to pull anything, you will have ammunition to discredit her.  Even though the police are on your side, the more you have against her the better.

I wish you good luck!  You should be very proud of yourself.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Erin,

I think there may be lawsuits galore lurking somewhere!  There were mistakes during the pregnancy and birth that may have contributed to my son's problems and the way he's been dealt with has been horrendous from start to finish.  From what I can make out these child protection allegations were just written up as fact and passed along without any evidence or information from anyone who actually knew me or my son.  When we were eventually investigated by social services (two years after she first started making allegations, it seems) the social workers admitted lying in their reports (they never interviewed me, just wrote up what my mum told them about my parenting which was all false) and ignored procedure throughout the entire process.  The whole thing is a huge colossal mess and my poor little lad is caught right in the middle of it all.  I have checked out the possibility of getting a lawsuit going and I have another three years in which to do so, so at least I don't have to try and cope with that as well as everything else at the minute!  Will definitely follow it up, though, I am sick and tired of being pushed around by people.

Hi Mo2,

The policeman took the picture with him last night, I spoke to him today and they're arranging a video statement for next week and after that they should be able to tell me whether or not they can arrest him and what happens next.  I spoke to my sister and she's known for years!  He never molested her, it seems, or her daughter which is something to be grateful for, but she said she wasn't suprised that he did it and that she believed me and would support me - very different from my mum's reaction!  So it was a relief to tell her and get it off my chest, although she was pretty upset and obviously she has to tell her children which isn't going to be nice.  But at least it's out in the open now.

Hi CGM,

Ironically I don't feel very brave at the minute!  The house is locked up like a fortress, I'm jumping at every little noise and I nearly battered the cat when she leapt at me from the window ledge as I walked past, I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest!  I'm terrified of what they're going to do when they find out I've been to the police but I'm not backing down this time.  I'm sick of being scared all the time and always thinking everything I do is wrong.  I have to go to my counsellor, tell her how I reacted to something and ask her if that's what normal people do, because I have no idea how normal people react to every day events and situations.  How warped is that?  I don't want to live like it anymore and I don't want my son growing up with this as his legacy, so I'm pushing ahead regardless - although a desert island still feels like a very tempting prospect!

Thanks again to everyone for your help and support, I really appreciate it.

[Ami]

((((((Twoapenny)))))))                            Ami

[Redhead Erin]

((((((((((((Twoapenny)))))))))))))  (((((((((((((((((Twoapenny's little guy)))))))))))))))))))

Is you NM really a violent person?  What would they actually do?  Can you get a court order to keep them away from your house?

[Twoapenny]

Ami, Erin, thank you again ((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))

Erin, my mum is verbally and emotionally violent rather than physically.  When she finds out I've been to the police she will be terrifyingly angry about it and capable of doing just about anything.  With my mum, it's all about appearance - being loaded into a police car in front of her neighbours will be the worst thing that could ever happen to her.  If (and it's a big if) my step dad is charged, or even convicted, everyone will know.  For my mum, that's a fate worse than death.  I would fight to the death for my son - my mum would do it to make sure her appearance stays the way she wants it, if that makes sense?  I don't mean her physical appearance but 'what the neighbours think' kind of thing.  So quite honestly I am really frightened about what she might do once the proverbial hits the fan.  The police officer said they wouldn't let her intimidate me, and I did think today I might just go away for a couple of weeks and not be around at all - just go and stay with friends and spend some really good quality time with my boy.  I can't seem to think straight at the minute, my head feels very messy and I'm finding it hard to focus on anything, so I think going away might be a good idea, just until everything's calmed down a bit.

[lighter]

Twopenny:


I'm so glad your sister was aware and understands.

Thank God she's on top of protecting her daughter.

Thank God she's supporting you.

I want to tell you...... you will never find everyone understands what happened, or that they agree with the choices you make.

There will always be those who question:  "Why did you do that?"  "Why didn't you do this?"  "Why would you jump in fear... feel unsafe..... why are you being so dramatic?" "Why did you have your parents arrested?"  "What kind of child does that to her parents?"  "Why didn't you tell on stepfather a long time ago, if it really happened?"  "Why didn't you this or that or another thing?"

Hey.......

trust your instincts.

Keep a small trustworthy core of people in your loop.

Remember that self care and protection of your child are your priority, not helping everyone understand. 

If you need everyone to understand and agree with you, you'll always be off balance.

Ignorant bystanders will be harmed and there's nothing you can do about that.   Family and friends will be confused and hurt.  They'll probably be plenty manipulated by your mother and SF.  They won't know who to believe when there are 2 sides so awful and different.  Their frame of reference may hinder understanding, and that's not really their fault.  They may contact you on your mother and sf's request.... pressuring you to drop the charges. 

Please ignore them.

Let the legal system work.....

let the truth come out in court.

Worry about trusting yourself and protecting your son.

Take whatever steps you deem necessary to feel safe. 

I pray closure and peace are at the end of this journey.

(((twopenny, stepsister and children)))

Mo2

[BonesMS]

Ami, Erin, thank you again ((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))

Erin, my mum is verbally and emotionally violent rather than physically.  When she finds out I've been to the police she will be terrifyingly angry about it and capable of doing just about anything.  With my mum, it's all about appearance - being loaded into a police car in front of her neighbours will be the worst thing that could ever happen to her.  If (and it's a big if) my step dad is charged, or even convicted, everyone will know.  For my mum, that's a fate worse than death.  I would fight to the death for my son - my mum would do it to make sure her appearance stays the way she wants it, if that makes sense?  I don't mean her physical appearance but 'what the neighbours think' kind of thing.  So quite honestly I am really frightened about what she might do once the proverbial hits the fan.  The police officer said they wouldn't let her intimidate me, and I did think today I might just go away for a couple of weeks and not be around at all - just go and stay with friends and spend some really good quality time with my boy.  I can't seem to think straight at the minute, my head feels very messy and I'm finding it hard to focus on anything, so I think going away might be a good idea, just until everything's calmed down a bit.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I might have mentioned this before, on the other board.....I've been in your shoes and called the police.  NWomb-Donor flew into a RAGE because of (a) losing her Pedophile boyfriend and (b) WHAT WOULD THE NEIGHBORS THINK?!?  The neighbors were INFURIATED when they learned that THEIR CHILDREN had been victimized by that MONSTER and that NWomb-Donor KNEW ALL ALONG AND DID NOTHING!!!!!!

NWomb-Donor went through all kinds of cr*p trying to FORCE ME TO DROP THE CHARGES but I refused!!!!!  However, what REALLY INFURIATED ME was that she was able to convince the prosecutor that I was "too mentally ill to know what I was doing" and HE NEVER SPOKE TO ME TO GET MY SIDE OF WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!     So I can REALLY RELATE to the cr*p you dealt with from the social workers and child protection services when they bought into her BS and NEVER spoke to you to get YOUR side!

I realize now that NWomb-Donor was probably terrified that she would go to jail too as an accomplice if the truth came out in court!  Your NWomb-Donor might be facing the same consequences for aiding and abetting a pedophile.

Bones

[Twoapenny]

Hi Bones,

I read about your situaion before and remember thinking 'wow, that sounds like me' at the time.  My mum is the same, what he's done to me doesn't matter, it's how it will affect her that will make her so angry.  I feel less scared today, but you know how sometimes it would be nice to see how it's all going to pan out, so you know whether to worry or not?  Not being in control is a huuuuuuge issue for me.  All the time I control my environment, my thoughts, my feelings etc I can cope.  But stepping out of my own little box means I can't control everything and keep tabs on it all and that terrifies me.  I've agreed to make a statement one day next week so I'm trying to keep calm and just take it a day at a time and not think about it too much.  Old habits die hard, though!   I'm sorry you've been through the same, the stigma around mental health is huge and it makes me so angry that people would rather believe someone is crazy and making it up than face up to the reality of the situation.

Mo2, thank you again for you kind and wise words.  I haven't told many people yet what is going on, but already one who I thought would be supportive hasn't been.  I'm trying not to think about it too much, I have decided I will just tell the police absolutely everything without worrying about whether or not it's relevant/useful/proveable and trust in them to do their job.  I feel at least once I've spoken out I've shown my strength and shown that I won't be kept quiet any longer, so whatever happens it's a step forward and must be better than feeling scared all the time and acting like a naughty twelve year old.  Thanks for your support, I keep re-reading the thread just to boost myself up, so thank you to all of you for everything you've said and your kind wishes.

Twoapenny xxxxx

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yeah, the best thing to do is to take this situation one day at a time.  I'm here with you so you are not alone.

Bones

[Hopalong]

Tupp,

I have decided I will just tell the police absolutely everything without worrying about whether or not it's relevant/useful/proveable and trust in them to do their job.  I feel at least once I've spoken out I've shown my strength and shown that I won't be kept quiet any longer, so whatever happens it's a step forward

This is the most intelligent, powerful, right-making, wise, mature, independent, healing, farsighted thing.

I am so deeply thrilled that you are doing this. It is GOOD to tell the truth. Name what was. Name what is. It is even good to know that your ultimate liberation has already happened, no matter what the bumps along the way. You are not a victim any more. Once you speak, you are free.

I believe the system will hear you. But even if it doesn't, you are still free.

It's awful but wonderful that you have the photo (did he encourage someone to take it because he thought it was funny? Did he tell YOU to take it?). And to have your sister's support...you are going to be so all right.

Your mother is going to back off as soon as this begins. Bullies melt away when met with real authority or consequences.

I am blown away, inspired, and feel so positive for you.

Hops