Hi Persphone,
Thanks for your post.
My experience with Narcissism goes beyond just my FOO or even my own Narcissistic tendencies. I've come to encounter, through relationship, a couple of high profile N's in my life where my initial response was one of bewilderment, mass confusion and eventually these relationships triggered the much deeper insidious wounds that growing up with a wounded N mom embedded in me. In other words, my core was unstable and unable to withstand the abuses of any N. My foundation was shaky and vulnerable to a catastrophic level; in my upbringing years my self- esteem was corroded and broken down into believing that if someone, for instance, shunned me, was aggressive/oppressive, competitive, jealous and or just plain rude that it was ALL my fault and ALWAYS my fault. For that is what my Nmom taught me, her pain was my fault, the bad treatment that I got was my fault, the emotional abuse was my fault and exactly what I deserved.
Fortunately, I was able to use these high profile painful N relationships to help me unravel the damage done to my core in my N family or FOO stuff - that "it is all my fault" belief system which was always my first lens in viewing the world. Through tears, the re-experiencing of trauma, the painful memories as well as taking full responsibility for my actions, fears and my own N stuff I was able to develop a more healthy core, today I stand with that much improved core self that CAN live with an Nish type person and not hate or feel the need to retaliate, my core is able to withstand, better, the insults, gaslighting and lack of boundaries that N's thrust into our world.
Although, at times, it feels that I am being worn down, it finally occurred to me that living with an N is actually building up my strength, vision and self esteem to act favorably, with kindness and gentleness, no matter what. In other words it is the ability to overcome life's obstacles without amputating a person from my life or without aggression back in my own retaliation, or amputating myself from life.
It may seem that I am enabling her in her N behavior by allowing her to live with me but really I am thinking of her best interest, she loves my apartment, loves it! Therefore, I use her love of materialism (as a bargaining chip) to help her more towards spirituality or inner growth; she would never think to move no matter how unhappy I am with living with her because she uses my comfortably decorated appartmet to shed glory to herself through bringing her constant stream of friends through (not as much after I have set limits with her on this) and showing them the place. Now, this seems petty of me and small minded, but the painful fact of this using me behavior is the objectification aspect and her lack of boundaries. She has grown and changed some, in her own way. She has respected my limits as well as taken steps to improve herself. That is good, for what motives she does this I do not know, it could be for her hopes in fulfilling her worldly agendas or whatever, the point is on some level she gets something more constructive/positive, seeds planted, perhaps.
I would hate for her to wake up from her slumber in Alice in Wonderland, but, one day, she will,and to have to think back to how mean I was to her or unacceptting of her, that would only make her healing more difficult; in her case it would not be constructive for me to be aggressive or forceful to her. She has a good heart and really does not want to hurt anyone, she is just wounded and blind.
