Narcissism in Extended Family

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I am afraid that my daughter in law and her mother could be narcissists. In fact, I'm pretty certain the mother is, and the jury is out on the daughter. I can't tell if she is just under her mother's thumb or if she is also N. She is definitely the GC in the family.

I have a grandchild with these people. Does anybody have any suggestions for dealing with N from this perspective? I know I have to tread carefully or I will be cut out of the child's life in a heartbeat. However, if my suspicions are true, this child is going to need support. How do I strike a good balance?

I don't know how much my son sees. I don't want to bring it up because it will appear I'm just in competition with the other grandma, and I really need to rise above the pettiness if I am going to maintain my credibility.

[Sealynx]

There are lots of N's in my family. I think the health of the child is the only thing you can affect. The people who helped me the most when I was a child were not the ones who discussed my mother's rightness or wrongness. They were a sounding board for my feelings and often asked me how I FELT about the simplest things. Giving your grandchild a voice when he or she is with you can in my opinion help to keep their individuality alive. Be willing to listen to them and support their right to those feelings and thoughts.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Thank you, Sealynx. I will keep your experience in mind, and concentrate on loving her and being a good listener.

I think that in the past few years I have been learning TRUST --- trusting others to see when things are not right, not feeling like I have to be the one to point it out. And when I trust, I am able to be quiet and hold other people's pain instead of trying to "make" them do something. Hopefully this will help me as a grandmother. Also trusting that God has things under control even when they seem chaotic, and that I am not in charge of making everything in the world right.

What I have been noting on this board is that people that were able to go on and thrive after having a N parent, were those who had someone in their life who SAW them and was truly able to give.

[Ami]

Dear (((Heart))
 I think you have it exactly right. If you can SEE your GC, you can give him life. That happened for me with my GM. Any sanity I have is from her.
 She never told me the truth about my M which would have been nice but I see that she really could not have but she gave me EVERYTHING. Thank Goodness, the GC has you.          Ami
 

[Nonameanymore]

HoP hi,

I think Sealynx and Ami are right: I seem to remember the only sane person in the two families combined that is my aunt (my father's sister). I do not have much contact with her that is a pity but I could always tell that she was 'different' (in a good way of course!). I think being there for the child is the best you can do.

P.

[teartracks]

Hi HeartofPilgrimage,

My experience is limited, but I feel confident saying this.  I think the most valuable thing you can provide for her is behavioral contrast, N vs non-N.  In other words, IF your DIL and her MIL have a strong N bent, then you can provide the opposite when spending time with the child.  I think her mother's & grandmothers behaviors should be off limit topics between you and her (and I don't mean to insinuate that they have not been.)  With youngsters, there are so many ways to present the antithesis of the damaging behaviors of others.  GOOD EXAMPLES ARE IRREPLACEABLE!  If you simply demonstrate loving, sensible, sensitive, fun, & stress free, safe, consistent, quality time while with your granddaughter, (ENTERING HER WORLD) she WILL notice.   And though some things may be working against her on the home front, that kind of input will make a huge difference, just as was mentioned by others on your thread.  

tt

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Thank you to everyone! Your input is worth its weight in gold to me ... I will take it all to heart.