Giant pajamas and other bizarre gifting practices

[sKePTiKal]

OK... "try this on for size".... (ha-ha)

My mom continually - and I mean for 20-30 years now - asks if there is "any of her stuff" that I might want. This is all stuff that she's hoarded, bought at yard sales - junk, in other words or occasionally something of sentimental value - to her. I told her I bought a house, and after the usual negativity about living in a "hurricane zone" (sigh) all she cared about the house, was if it was big enough that I could take some of her "stuff".

With my mom, this is because she wants me to "take all her stuff" - her emotions, her unfulfilled dreams, her frustrations - all of it, including her delusions, in our lifelong war of her insisting I'm just like "her"... and me insisting I'm nothing like her. She asked me last night: So are you still thinking of opening an art shop?

I've never said, I was thinking of doing so. I understand now, that one of the reasons I don't make art these days - is because it was part of HER that she projected on ME (and like a "good girl" I complied)... so that she could take credit for it - "my daughter the artist" and "you're just like me"... though nothing I made was ever "good enough"... simply because she "would've done it differently". So the comment about the art shop was plain as day - PROJECTION. She's the one thinking about this - not me.... but she still thinks she can get me to play her projection game... guilt me into doing something and then kick me when I do it well.

Sigh. The fact is, to my mom, I'm no different than the "stuff" she keeps trying to give me - I am an object, no more and no less. The fact that I have completely different taste, my own thoughts & feelings simply doesn't occur to her. Hell, I've got my own accumulated "stuff" to get rid of before we move... but to her, the only thing that matters is that I play the projection game... and take "her stuff" - meaning all of her emotional crap, off her hands too. She doesn't even get upset when I refuse for the N-th time.... because I am not real to her... the only thing "real" is her, her game and her stuff and it matters way more to her than I do. I guess it reinforces her sense of helplessness, victimhood (blaming me) and martyrdom (shaming me). OH WELL.

She stopped giving presents a long time ago, after a lot of silly things that y'all are describing, but doesn't hesitate to tell me exactly what SHE wants. OH... and she will out of the blue ask me about something she's given me... like you, I've donated it or thrown it away... I just tell her I don't know where it's at, which is almost the truth! 

[Hopalong]

That is so SMART.
About the stuff, her projections...

I can feel the heaviness of her offloading, shoveling, shoving, pushing, discarding stuff AT you.

(Personally, I don't think your beautiful new house has ANY room for it, do you?)

xxoo

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

LOL!!!! No room at all Hops...

besides, I know she won't like the house; it's "not her style" you know... and that'll lead into a massive leap of assumption that I'm "one of THOSE people"... tee-hee!

It's all about US (meaning the N and their unwitting "feeders") and THEM - everyone who doesn't play the games.

[BonesMS]

I'm wondering if we can compile a list of Bizarre Narcissistic Gifting Practices?  Let me count the ways:

Giving you a half-eaten jar of jelly because SHE doesn't want it anymore and thinks you'll like it!

Giving you a hand-made poncho with your FULL first, middle, and last name embroidered across the front of it as if you are a child!
(And the embroidery is in BRIGHT contrast to the background like a NEON sign!)

Giving you unwrapped boxes of powdered dishwashing detergent, that is CLEARLY MARKED DOWN FOR QUICK SALE, as a "Christmas present" even though you NEVER use powdered dishwashing detergent!

Giving you the EXACT SAME plate of salad DAY AFTER DAY because SHE ASSUMES you like it WITHOUT BOTHERING TO ASK!

Re-gifting a T-shirt that her sister gave her with EXPLICIT instructions to NEVER wear it around this particular sister!
(She doesn't want to get BUSTED!)

Giving you a vacuum cleaner, for a house-warming gift, without ANY of the required accessories, then BRAGS about how CHEAP she got it!!!!

Giving you hand-me-down clothes that are NEITHER age-appropriate NOR size appropriate, (i.e. the GIANT pajamas with footies and bunnies or outfits that someone MUCH OLDER would wear).

Giving you "stuff" that she BRAGS that she found in other people's TRASH!!!!!

(Please feel free to add to the list!)

Bones

[debkor]

One thing I found is the crazy gifts one would think (and at one time myself) from NF was deeply gifted and very personal.

I was given a BJ's card with her F's picture on it (not to use) but to have.  A walking stick of his and a hot dog machine (which is old and ones I use to eat off of as a kid in the candy store).. I loved it.

You see they did have meaning to her very deep meaning as bizarre as they would appear to be.  She took time gathering these things with great thought of what she wanted me to have because I was important and an extension of her as her father was....

I know this sounds crazy and it took me a long time to figure it out.  This came after his death.  This was So important to her and other friends that the M gave things to (silly things)  like his cans of soup no one else liked she dropped friendship with. They were not silly to her.

She also was favored by her F (golden child) and didn't want anyone else to get these things (that truly were important to her) and what meaning they had to her...


And what was on his body upon his death...the BJ card.  That I was to have.  She gave me a part of him.

Love
Deb

[Redhead Erin]

Just had to mention this.

HOW big are the GIANT Pajamas?  My husband accidentally put on a pair of my 8-year-old  SON's PJ's (gift form Nana) and they fit!

[bearwithme]

No kidding!  That is so funny!  What makes your NM think that your 8 year old son is the size of a grown man?  My NM, on her last visit to our house, gave me a ring.   It was a very nice cocktail ring with a beautiful aqua-marine stone in the middle.  I was shocked that I actually loved it.  But she pointed out that she got a great deal on it at some store and made sure I read the price tag (with the non-sale price on it), just so that I "could see that it was an expensive ring."

These N's are so bizarre.

[Logy]

This is SO hilarious!!!  I thought MY NM was a bad gift-giver!

My NM just loves to buy stuff.  Period.  So any opportunity she has to go shopping thrills her.  One year for my birthday she asked what I wanted.  Normally I just say clothes.  This makes her happy cause she gets to shop every store in the midwest.  And ALWAYS buys quite a few things for herself.  One year I really wanted a particular leather binder for my planner.  After I told her, she continued for weeks to ask me what I wanted and I continued to say the same thing.  So when my birthday rolled around and we got together, she literally threw my gift at me and said "Here!".  I opened it and it was the leather binder.  But I paid for it the whole night with NM pouting, nose in the air and commenting about how stupid it was.  She doesn't bother to ask me anymore.  She just buys whatever she wants to and presents it to me.   Whatever.  It's worth not having to go through another night like that.

Logy

[swimmer]

I can so relate to this bizarre gift giving!! I love the way you put it Redhead Erin!!  

Logy... I remember I really needed a new laptop, at a very hard time for us financially (recession income).  When we were out in public at a restaurant, she dropped the check on the floor.... And said, "there".  I felt so weird picking it up!!  Payment for the last most horrible visit I had with her!!!!  It's funny cause it's what I really needed, so she tossed it on the floor so it would be awkward.

At Xmas she gives duplicate presents.  

When I was a few pounds overweight, she bought me a size wayyy too small, knowing I'd feel horrible about not fitting in it.

She was proudly (probably still is)  buying this special off brand of underwear at marshalls for my GC bro, yewwww.

15 gormet chocolate bars!!!!  My husband and I took these really funny pics with our jaws to the floor, we were rolling with that box:))

My shelves are filled with the stuff she sends me, I have to clear it out.  My husband and I don't ever take it in the house, boxes sit in our  car trunks..... Then in garage for a few months, then to salvation army.  Next set of boxes are going straight to salvation army, and if I don't have time I'll just ship them back right away.  Sooo wasteful, why do these N's bother getting up in the am!!

& I thought I was just ungrateful!!!

[Overcomer]

Funny.  Here are some.

This year I went to Este Lauder and they had a couple different buy something and get a free gift or buy something and for $55 you get this whole make up kit.  I bought her some perfume AND the $55 kit for Christmas.  I spent a little over $100 on the gift.

When I opened the gift from her it was the free gift from Este.  When I went in her bathroom I noticed she bought herself the perfume and gave me the free gift.

She has also purchased many things for me which are too small.

Another thing she did was when my dad died she lost a bunch of weight.  She gets a lot of attention at how good she looks and she says it is because "she just doesn't have an appetite."  Knowing her it is her way to take the loss of my father and make it all about her and her grief.

[Redhead Erin]

SO this past Christmas she decided she wanted to buy all us "kids" cashmere sweaters.  Out of the 4 of us (me, my husband, my foster bro-wherever, and his wife) I am the only one who really loves clothes.  But I did see a good deal on  cashmere sweaters at Kohl's and told her about it.  She said she didn't go, so I didn't think anything of it. 

For Christmas, we all got the sweaters anyway.  I was thrilled, because cashmere is not something I could normally afford.  Ted and I decided to wear them to church that Sunday.  Imagine our surprise when we put them on and Mine was huge (ok, I should have seen that coming) and Ted's was tiny! 

Turns out, she bought me a size Large. When I went to her to ask (prostrate myself) for the receipt, I pointed out to her that I no longer wear a size large.  so she said the weirdest thing: "You should feel fortunate.  I bought everyone else a size extra-large."

HUH?  I should be happy to have a sweater that doesn't fit just because everybody else got a sweater that was even bigger? 

Whatever.  Well, I finally got the receipts and took my sweater and Ted's back to the store, and it turns out she bought ALL of us woman's sweaters!  NO wonder Ted's didn't fit him! My foster-bro is much bigger than my husband and his wife is bigger than he is.  I know for a fact that their sweaters didn't fit them, either!

I asked why on earth she bought the guys women s sweaters, and she said it was all they had.  I guess it was just so important to buy us cashmere sweaters, that was far more important than actually buying us something we could use !

The happy ending to this story is, since I had the gift receipts and the sweaters had been reduced anyway, I took our tow sweaters back and got 2 cashmere for myself that fit, another sweater, and a nice red dress shirt for my husband.  We came out ahead!

For weeks after that, I kept hearing about how I was the only one who appreciated the sweaters.  Well, yeah, it shard to appreciate something that you can't possibly use!


BUT. . . . what did I actually ask for?  A gift card from Bass Pro Shops. Whatever!

[gratitude28]

My daughter asked why NM buys her things that she does not like - and also the same things over and over. NM buys them stuff at the dollar store (and usually something she has already bought them). Or she finds stuff on QVC (she is addicted). But it is never anything that suits their personality or that they would like. She also gives them things like free stickers she gets in the mail or other junk that should just be thrown away.
Also, anything she buys me that is nice, she has to buy for herself as well. My dad actually joked that, "One for NM, one for someone else." She also is completely unappreciative of everything we get her - no matter how nice it is. So I don't even try any more.

[Logy]

gratitude,
So funny!   What is it about shopping that makes NM's so happy????  It's not the joy they get from the recipient being happy.  Seems NM just likes the action of acquiring and doesn't care about the recipient at all.

Your comment about one for NM, one for someone else, that's priceless.  Same for my NM! 

I used to pick up something for my NM occasionally if I thought she would like it.  Every time I gave her something she would get nervous and insist on paying me for what I bought her.  Though I would tell her it was a gift she would just not accept the gift if she could not pay me for it.  I also just gave up trying to give her things.  Too much of a struggle.

Logy

[Redhead Erin]

Grattitude--

Once again, I am temped to wonder if we have the same mother!  Mine loves to buy and give stuff.  She does not remeber what she gives to whom adn has been known to give duplicate items.  My son has like 3 red Ohio State t-shirts.  He likes red, so its no big deal!

She does not like anything I ever get her.  Ever.  She will not use it and I find the gifts I have given her, usually still in the original packaging, lying around the house.  She does this with almost everything other people give her, too.  The exceptions are decorative items, like little knick-knacks or pictures, which she does display.  And jewelery.  I can always nail her taste in jewelery.