Not desirable--husband is a huge jerk--so sad--help

[Redhead Erin]

ANd I also learned a valuable lesson just now---if I back away, he comes to me  . . . . . pain in the ass.

[nolongeraslave]

Erin,

Just out of curiosity, did you meet your husband before you started dealing with your history of abuse? Didn't Dr.McBride say we unconsciously choose partners similar to our parents? 


You're right....yelling, getting defensive, picking fights, thinking of you as "over-reacting"...those aren't good signs.

After dealing with an N mom, it's hard to admit that your husband might be an N too. I don't want to jump to conclusions and there could be other possibilities...but that's the feeling I'm getting when reading  this thread.....

[Redhead Erin]

Yes, he might be.  Who on earth knows at this point. I have really only had a concept of a narcissist for a couple of years.  I have to say, I have given this some consideration, but it seems like he has made a bit of progress, which gives me hope.  My gut says that he is not one, but I guess we'll see.

I do know he has no concept of how to have a healthy relationship.  Given his background, that really comes as no big surprise. I know he is defensive and angry, but I dont know why.  I know I do things that drive him crazy, too, but it does not seem to me that the things I do are worth the reaction they get.  But then, he may see things the same way, that the shit he says to me is not worth the hurt I get out of it.

One thing I notice, there are two sides of everything.  He thinks I am oversensitive; I think he is an emotional brick. He wants more space, I need more reassurance. He gets mad when I ask him for reassurance, but if he would give me the reassurance I need, I could give him more space. Yelling only scares me and makes me more clingy.  But then, needing so much reassurance only makes him want more space.  Oh, so complicated!  How area we ever going to work this out!

Right now I feel like kicking him out of this house and telling him not to let the door hit him on the ass. I feel like, why bother. Its not worth the pain.  This man is never going to change. I may never be able to change. I hate the pain and the uncertainty and the fear and athe obsessing over it.  better to get it over now.

But the thnig is, I love this man.  he is my sons father and the only man I have ever been faithful to. He was my best freind for eyars.  THe night I tried to kill myself, he was the only one I would talk to.  before we were a couple we were alwys the best of friends.  this is what I was so afraid of when I agreed to date him.  I was terrifeid of losing out friendship.

I am down here tonight because I wanted him to say something reassuring befoe we went to sleep.  "I love you and we are going to do our best to work things out" would have sufficed. Instead I got a 30 minute tirade on what a clinging leach I am (my words, not his.  He doesn't do metaphors.) Now I am awake, miserable, and weeping.  I could have been asleep by now. 

ANd yet I see his point, too.  I just cannot let it go.  I obsess about this issue constantly.  I do it because I am scared and confused and hurt and frustrated. I understand why he has had enough of it.  I don't understand why I have to talk about it all the time.  No wait, that's not true.  I do understand it.  But I need to get a handle on that before it ruins my life.

in spite of all the good advice I have gotten on this board, I can't NOT talk about it.  it is because I want so badly for him to say it iwill all be all right. I wan thim to make the pain stop.

I wan tot feel safe and Iwant to be protected and I want the fucking pain to stop

I am not effective at wotk, I am not a good mother, I am not good at anything right now, because I am so wound up abotu this and I just dont know how to get my emotions under control.

Oh, btw NSL, I met him when I was 17.  We worked at Wendys together,  He worked the grill and I did the cash register.

[Ami]

Dear Erin
 This is just my opinion, of course. I have a BIG sense of hope for you b/c you are very honest. That is the first ingredient in true healing.
 If I were in your place, I would look at myself, myself,myself.
 I think you are doing that but that would be my quest. You have a history of abuse and you are wounded. Your relationship with him reflects your wounds. Your next relationship will do the same. If you are alone, you will be alone with your wounds so why not stay with the father of your child, whom you love , too.
 He has wounds. He is really shut down from his past, same as you, even though he manifests it differently.
 Your wounds make you cling too much. His make him retreat. It is kind of a classic match up. I think you would repeat it if you left him.
  Did you mention you had early childhood sexual abuse. I had "mild" sexual abuse, I guess you could call it, and it threw me for a major loop I am trying to get out of now.
 Our quality of life is all about our wounds, our wounds. We have to heal them in order to have any quality of life.
 A few things are helping me and I think I am healing,God Willing.
 Ariel and Shya Kane  have written a few books and have a free on line radio show. They have really helped. Having one or two people who can SEE you,your deepest you. Let that person SEE, SEE, SEE you. Take all those BAD parts and show them to someone. As I heal , I show them to more people cuz I see they are a lie. BAD was a lie.
When you are abused, you think you are BAD.
Now, I talk more openly with more people cuz I can handle it if they don't "get " me or even lash out at me.
 Sometimes, people lash out  from  their own wounding but I have been fortunate  to have people who helped me when that happened.
 That is my opinion from my own experience.     xxxooo   Ami

PS I have to add that my relationship with God is a major strength for me cuz if everyone hates me, He still loves me and is there.

[Redhead Erin]

I have been thinking about some of the major things that have gone on on our lives since I got pregnant, which for some reason seems like the beginning of a long, slow slide of our sex life. 

1.  Other aspects of our marriage have gotten better.
2.  Our financial situation is better.
3.  I was at my heaviest point right before I got pregnant, having gained an atrocious amount of weight in the year previous.  I have since lost about 50 pounds from that point.
4.  I finished mourning for my fiance and became emotionally available to my husband
5.  I was able to reveal to him the horrors of my childhood and the funhouse inside my head still today.
6.  He gained and then lost weight.
7.  We became parents, moved house, and got married.
8.  I became a stronger and braver person in some ways, and am able to reveal my vulnerability in other ways.