A Little Narcissist Funny

[sunblue]

Usually I post about painful and sad issues relating to my N family....But today something happened that, while sad, struck my funny bone.  See if this rings true for any of you....

Tonight, my N family (Nmom, co-D dad, myself, my aloof brother, his wife and my niece) took my brother out to dinner for his birthday.  At the restaurant there was a magician who went table to table doing tricks.  My niece loves magic and desperately wanted him to do tricks for her so we called him over.  This magican was really quite good....did a number of tricks engaging my niece at others at the table....and everyone (except my Nmom, of course) oohed and aahed over his tricks. 

Well, for one of the tricks he tried involving my Nmom.  She wanted nothing to do with it (since she is incapable of having fun)...but the magician insisted.  So he did this trick with her...She went along but obviously felt put upon....(she wasn't in control, don't you know).  However, the funny part was that as he continued to do tricks for the table, he pulled one over on her...The very last trick he did involved him asking my brother---the birthday celebrant---to pick out his gift from one of his pockets.  My brother selected the left pocket...and out came a watch.  My Nmom's watch!!  Without her or anyone noticing he had pilfered her of her watch which was firmly strapped on her wrist!  Everyone (but her) laughed....She couldn't believe his audacity and went on and on about how dangerous it was....what if he had pilfered her wallet? 

It just struck me that my Nmom...and perhaps all Nmoms.....are literally incapable of enjoying a simple fun momemt.  Looking back I realize that I have no memory of my Nmom ever making an attempt to tell a joke...NEVER....and certainly didn't know how to have fun....not even for a moment.  Fun always meant everyone doing what she wanted…But she never tried to make others feel good by laughing…or being silly.  She hates silliness….She hurls insults at my co-dad when he makes attempts at a simple joke…calling him “Silly”….

So, sad yes…..But so painfully obvious to everyone around her.   Raised in that environment..it’s a wonder I ever laughed out loud….

Just thought I’d share….

[Sealynx]

Sunblue,

I would have given that guy the biggest tip I could afford on the way out!!! He knew what he was dealing with in your mom, "worked the crowd" and then made her pay for being mean!!

The N women I know can't tell a joke to save their lives, nor ,like yours, do they understand them. Often my mother will even interrupt the joke teller to comment and say "the same thing happened to me". When she does that I think she is trying to reclaim attention, but she also doesn't understand that a joke can't be interrupted.

Strangely the N men I know can tell a joke, but it is usually one that makes fun of a social or racial group.  I think it has something to do with the traditional role of women being to be admired without doing much while men are exposed to competition from other men, so they learn to manipulate that. I've never seen my N uncle really laugh the way I laugh though. He tends to laugh at things that have an element of cruelty.
s

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I have noticed though that people who lived under the cloud of a N parent or sibling tend to have finely-honed senses of humor. In a way, it is a gift from the universe that comes from having to live in absurdity. I love all kinds of humor ... silly, witty, satire, physical, cerebral ... and I find humor in the oddest places. If I couldn't laugh at myself I would have gone stark raving mad by now!!!!

[Hopalong]

all Nmoms.....are literally incapable of enjoying a simple fun momemt

I agree, Sun...I think it's literally a learning disorder that's a subset of the NPD. Without empathy, humor's impossible. I think people have to be able to step outside themselves for a moment to imagine how their joke or witticism might be received by a listener, in order to be funny or playful...and it's that empathetic desire to bring a smile or a bit of delight to someone else, that makes humor work.

What stimulates Nlaughter, in my experience, is put-downs (including very sophisticated clever ones so the intellectual N can get away with it...nobody notices in an academic climate, for example...). But never, ever, genuine poking fun at oneself. Self-deprecation's impossible.

Sealynx, Pilgrim, completely yes to everything you wrote...

Hops
PS--I would marry the next man who makes me belly-laugh.

[sunblue]

Hops:

I think you are absolutely right...I have never heard my Nmom or Nsis make a self-deprecating comment about themselves....However, on occasion I do see my Nmom making a comment that is intended to make others focus on them again. For instance, in a group of people, one woman might say to the other woman, "Wow, you look great...You really lost a lot of weight."  My Nom would interject and say, "Oh, I really need to lose a couple of pounds."  It is clear that she in no way needs to lose weight....She just wanted the attention on herself so the other women will say, "Oh, NO, you look great..You don't need to lose a single pound!"...But no self-deprecation at all.  They are incapable of it.

However, I do agree that men who are Ns make attempts at humor which are just veiled insults, snide remarks and cruel attacks.

But I do think I've always had a good sense of humor...and am especially good at self-deprecating humor....But never to be cruel towards another.  I think Hops is right...Taking a joke, makiing a joke....means thinking of others....and Ns are incapable of that.

[Gabben]

I have noticed though that people who lived under the cloud of a N parent or sibling tend to have finely-honed senses of humor. In a way, it is a gift from the universe that comes from having to live in absurdity. I love all kinds of humor ... silly, witty, satire, physical, cerebral ... and I find humor in the oddest places. If I couldn't laugh at myself I would have gone stark raving mad by now!!!!

Yep....so true and well said, it is my sense of humor that saves me, especially when I am in my old FOO N tendencies, at leaning towards the absurd in my own self, the ability to laugh at myself, it came from years of living in absurdity and 12 step recovery rooms, where people teach each other to laugh at our humanness.

[Ami]

This is a wonderful thread. Thank you Sun and everyone who responded. Humor is a life saver ,for sure. As I heal, I can laugh at my absurdities more and they don't seem so dire.                     xxooo   Ami

[Ales2]

Sunblue - this was funny. My NM is exactly the same!

Yesterday, my friend asked how often I talk to my NM and I replied once or twice a month. Then I changed my answer telling her that she talks to ME everyday because as a DONM, I can never get her out of my head completely!!

[binks]

I have noticed though that people who lived under the cloud of a N parent or sibling tend to have finely-honed senses of humor. In a way, it is a gift from the universe that comes from having to live in absurdity. I love all kinds of humor ... silly, witty, satire, physical, cerebral ... and I find humor in the oddest places. If I couldn't laugh at myself I would have gone stark raving mad by now!!!!

Absolutely! I couldn't agree more!

I can't tell a joke to save my life though. My husband still makes me laugh after 24 years of marriage. NM always criticized me for laughing as a child, saying I was too loud or laughed like a 'mad person'. Never stopped me, luckily.

My NM does attempt to tell jokes but is awful at it. She also tries to be self depreciating, but it is just her way of fishing for compliments. If you don't give her the compliments then she gets annoyed. It always makes me laugh when someone gets one over on my NM. Glad the magician gave you the chance to enjoy that situation Sunblue.