What age did your parent(s) start abusing you?

[nolongeraslave]

I'm just curious and I was thinking.......Was there also a major event that happened before your parent turned into what they are? Did you ever remember a time when your parents were nice, like when you were a baby/toddler/pre-schooler?

I was 9 when my mom started with the put-downs, screaming and the sick mind games.   This was after my biological father assaulted her and left her blind in one eye. She told my therapist that we reminded her of our biological father, so she took it out on us...making us feel like it was our fault that my biological father abused her and that we had to owe her something for it.  Before that, my mom was nice and let me be who I was when I was 4-8ish......she may have even been "too lenient" when I was little.  She MIGHT have verbally abused my older brothers though. I don't remember.

My step-dad started his abuse at 12 after I was getting bullied at school and came home crying. He saw my low self-esteem and pain as the perfect opportunity to groom me and expose me to a world of debauchery.  


Wow...9 and 12 is so freaking young when I look back. When I look at 9 and 12 year olds today, I can't even imagine them being able to handle all of that.  I can't even imagine me saying or doing those things to them! The only thing I want to do is be nice to them....not scream at them, insult them or show them a porn magazine!  It reallly makes you think how sick some parents are for having no remorse to do that to kids.

[Hopalong]

I'm so very sorry, NoLonger...
I am sickened by what you went through.
Cruelty, callousness, unrestrained self-indulgence at your expense.
It's a horror and you've done so well to be here and be talking about it.

I was never abused, by any measure in any way similar.
My mother was a true N, but in a ladylike way.
Her propriety and religious training kept it in check.

And she did have the capacity for pity. She always responded
strongly to children, was moved and pained by the suffering
of kids on TV, for example.

She had trouble seeing my suffering, though.
It's a puzzle. She had some conscience. She was just...missing a piece.

She was very damaging, but not a monster.
And I was so lucky in my father.

Just another roll of the dice, I suppose, but why I should be lucky and you not, or anyone with gentle parents while some other child is being hurt so badly, makes no sense to me. It never will.

I know your children are lucky that you are their mother, and so passionate about kindness.

Hops

[nolongeraslave]

Hopalong,

My parents also have their "Sweet side", and are saints in front of others.  This is what can confuse children of abused parents, when they see their parents acting nice in public. They think, "Well, maybe my parents aren't so bad if they can be nice sometimes?"

I wonder if you're minimizing what you went through? I don't mean it in a bad way, b/c I struggle with minimizing what I went through too.  I also have the fear of people saying "It's not that bad.  At least you're not starving like people in other countries. You should be lucky for what you have" (Trust me, I've had non family members tell me that). 

 I didn't even know how bad my upbringing was until SOME people pointed it out just a few years ago.

[Lucky]

I can remember the first abusive actions happening at around four or five years of age. Maybe the abuse started even before that time but I have no memories from it.

[Hopalong]

Hi Nolonger,
I don't THINK I'm minimizing.
I was never shouted at, verbally belittled or abused, spoken to viciosly.
I was not protected from my brother's bullying,
my privacy was invaded,
my mother called to me constantly and knew no boundaries.
She taught me to value what others thought above all else.
She was obsessed with appearances.
She was controlling and manipulative right to the grave.
Mainly, she was insatiable for attention.
And from jeaously, I understood later, she made it hard for me to have a rleationship wiht my fathre.

Hops

[Ami]

Dear NLAS
 I remember "minimizing" and also  needing others to tell me *I* was abused. I still do. Isn't that terrible?
 I remember walking in downtown Boston when I was in high school. I kept thinking I should be lucky I was not in a war zone. What was I complaining about? I lived in the suburbs. I must be a bad, ungrateful person.

Abused people don't trust or even know their own needs and so we can be  pulled by others and even feel guilty about it. Also, I feel SELFISH(it is in capitals cuz it is a swear word) when I have needs and wants.
 That allows abusers to manipulate me by calling me SELFISH. I back down b/c I think I am an ungrateful, demanding person to have a need or want.
 It is really hard(((NLAS)))). Keep sharing and try to trust, trust , trust yourself. That goes a long way.     xxxooo  Ami

[Lucky]

Abused people don't trust or even know their own needs and so we can be pushed and pulled by others. Also, I feel SELFISH(it is in capitals cuz it is a swear word) when I have needs and wants.
 That allows abusers to manipulate me by calling me SELFISH. I back down b/c I think I am an ungrateful, demanding person to have a need or want.
 It is really hard(((NLAS)))). Keep sharing and try to trust, trust , trust yourself. That goes a long way.     xxxooo  Ami

O yes, that describes it to a T.

[Ami]

Abused people don't trust or even know their own needs and so we can be pushed and pulled by others. Also, I feel SELFISH(it is in capitals cuz it is a swear word) when I have needs and wants.
 That allows abusers to manipulate me by calling me SELFISH. I back down b/c I think I am an ungrateful, demanding person to have a need or want.
 It is really hard(((NLAS)))). Keep sharing and try to trust, trust , trust yourself. That goes a long way.     xxxooo  Ami

O yes, that describes it to a T.

Thank you((Lucky)))). Sometimes I am so far out of a limb  . I appreciate a sweet comment like yours!      xxooo  Ami

[binks]

Nolongeraslave you certainly did have an awful time as a child.

As for me, my mother started abusing me at age 8. It was nasty verbal abuse, manipulating behaviour alternating with ignoring behaviour. No privacy or boundaries allowed.

I expect it happened at this age because I was starting to become my own person. Recently I have thought it might also be that I had a bike accident at that age and smashed my teeth and needed crowns, so I was no longer her idea of perfect.

Ami - I agree with you about abused people not knowing their own needs. Sometimes I don't recognise why I am upset or how to deal with it emotionally. For a long time my mother called be selfish and manipulating, and I believed I was. I still feel guilty for having perfectly normal needs and wants.

[Sealynx]

My parents were simply neglectful, from day one as far as I know. We were just there to be fed and taken to school. When we cried about anything we were called selfish.
When we got excited about anything we wanted to do, we got "the look". The "Look" meant that they were about to be inconvenienced in some way...at least I know that now. Then I thought that I must want something terrible that no child had a right to ask for.

Every day seemed gray and I felt it was because I was bad. I always wanted stupid things and I was very selfish.
After a while I began to see the things normal children wanted as wrong and back away from them. But that meant backing away from them into my room alone at home. The house always felt so cold and my parents never made friends with anyone who had children, so no fun people ever came over.

There are a few stand out abuses, but the real damage was done by the huge nothingness of our existence. I remember the first time I saw the movie "Neverending Story" I made a connection with the "nothingness that was eating up everything". It was just like home. Everyday more of my joy seeped out and nothingness flooded in.

[nolongeraslave]

Narcissistss are SO good at twisting your perception of reality, but I don't want to go into that right now.

I'm SO Happy to hear people saying on this forum how I've been through bad things.

This might sound politically incorrect, but I'm getting frustrated at how people of my own culture don't say the things that you guys are saying. They're the ones who tell me, "She's just being a regular Indian mom looking out for you," Get over it. Quit being a whiny attention whore," "Good Indian girls do as what they say. How dare you shame your family by complaining about them." etc..These are Indians that were born and brought up in the states!  This makes it so much easier for my N mom and step-dad to get away with what they're doing. They can manipulate culture as an excuse.  

I'm talking with my therapist that I'm not even sure if I want to date/marry within my own race anymore.    Years ago, I already realized that I can't expect help and empathy from my own community...so why date/marry them just to re-victimize myself?  

My N mom will throw a fit, but I deserve someone that's empathic and appreciates me for who I am.  Not someone who expects me to be a toy with no feelings.

I also fear that if I talk about this..I will be attacked by others for "generalizing" or people won't believe me that some cultures still have these viewpoints.

That was off-topic, but I had to let it out.  Am I the only East Indian poster on here? It seems like it.

[Ami]

 Dear NLAS,
I think I was abused from birth on cuz an N has no empathy to a baby's cries or needs. From the time of my memory, I was revolted by my M.                                                                           xxxooo  Ami

[nolongeraslave]

Since you brought that up, I remember my NM complaining about us crying as babies..Hello, babies are supposed to cry? It's not like we can talk.

She was weird...One minute she talks about how she loves her kids so much, and then she says "You guys used to bother me so much! You even bit my breast when breast feeding!" 

[Ami]

Dear NLAS
 I can see how it would be so hard to buck the  culture b/c no one believes your step dad is capable of what he is doing, your M ,too?
 I am Jewish and most Jewish families are pretty good from what I could see of my friends families. My M , a true NPD, seemed like the worse Jewish M of any I saw in my travels.
 Keep seeking truth no matter what anyone says. Emotional health is in the truth. I think you are doing great, Sweetie!    xxoo  Ami

[nolongeraslave]

Dear NLAS
 I can see how it would be so hard to buck the  culture b/c no one believes your step dad is capable of what he is doing, your M ,too?
 I am Jewish and most Jewish families are pretty good from what I could see of my friends families. My M , a true NPD, seemed like the worse Jewish M of any I saw in my travels.
 Keep seeking truth no matter what anyone says. Emotional health is in the truth. I think you are doing great, Sweetie!    xxoo  Ami

It's hard to tell, b/c you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. My parents are model citizens in the community.

Even if East Indians do believe me, they still won't see me as a prospective partner, they might blame me, or they act like I'm some kind of "rare case." Some may express sympathy, but when it comes down to it..they don't want to have anything to do with you in the end.


I'm wondering if third world cultures don't learn how to empathze, b/c survival and food is the main concern. Someone said that on NGE forum.