Splitting

[Ami]

Do you feel like you are either Good or Bad or going back and forth between the two but not able to accept ALL of yourself?  Ami

[Ami]

I remember my M oscillating between good and bad. When she was good, she was haughty and when she was bad, she  felt she was the worst  person on earth.
 I remember how pitiful it was when she was bad. When she was good, it was worse  though. Then, it would be the smirks and arrogance.          Ami

[Gabben]

Do you feel like you are either Good or Bad or going back and forth between the two but not able to accept ALL of yourself?  Ami

Hi Ami,

The truth is that I am good and bad. There is bad in me and then there is good.

Today, I got a call from a creditor reminding of my past life of selfish spending, greed and negligence. I used to be so materialistic, buying into what society tells us we need to be happy. After hearing that several years ago I had wronged this creditor, through my own neglect and selfish behavior, I realized that I have come far, but I also realize, in humility, what I have been most of my life... A very selfish sinner, a very inconsiderate of others type person, just reaching for what I need and what fills me.

It was hard to stare at this about myself, with the perspective that indeed I was unjustly treated as a child but I can hear the words of someone, in AA, who once told me that even though it was not my fault for my abusive childhood it was my responsibility as to how I was going to handle the wreckage...Mostly, I have handled the wreckage by creating wreckage.

I have not always handled the crosses that God gave me well, and that is putting it lightly. In other words, I spent most of my life selfishly thinking out my needs and what I can get out of life rather than thinking about just being good (by faith and caring for others), even if it is in little ways, in tiny moments.

In retrospect, being good is something I have to be willing to work on. I have to want to be good, strive to be good, pray to be good - God makes me good.

A lifetime of self abuse, selfishness does not reverse itself over night, in one year, or even a few. I am 41, most of my life I have been bad, acting in the bad and out the bad through depression (anger), anxiety, addiction, greed and just pure selfishness. But, under my bad is a lot of good, the more that I stare at my bad, my angry heart, my selfishness and fears, the more I feel motivated to DO good.

Splitting is definitely one way that I have coped with life; in the past I just wanted to SEE what I wanted to SEE about myself and not having to face the REST.

The parts of self that I split off were my anger and many emotions that were not OK in childhood for me to have. For instance, hatred as a child was not an acceptable emotion, yet, when as children we are abused we are naturally going to feel hatred at our abusers.  However, I split off this part of self, long ago, over the years it morphed and as an adult turned into behaviors just as depression, isolation, addiction such as smoking as well as hatred and unloving ways towards others, also, hatred was the underlining reason for why I aborted my children. There was so much hatred in my heart, so much. It was the bad that I was unwilling to face about myself, the split off part of self, or one of many, that I have had to integrate, forgive and heal through many tears.

Yesterday, I was cutting up some potatoes, one had a rotten part, really yucky bad, I had to cut it out but the rest of the potato was still good and very usable. Well, that is like my soul, there is this yucky anger and hatred that has enabled me to act rotten towards God and others most of my life. In the last few years, God has been cutting away my rotten parts of self, but, first, I had to point them out to myself, SEE them and offer the pain up and my tears, the pain that generated the rotten in me, asking God to cut it out of my life. I had to let go of being bad, sometimes I still cling to being bad because it is just easier than being good.

As I stare at the rotten in me, the bad, I can see that one reason I am good is partly because I am willing to face the rotten and hug that part of self that needs to act out and be bad, she was just a little girl once who wanted a voice and wanted love, she was denied, she hurt, she rages and then she never got to express these painful feelings. Today, it is getting better, I still fall backwards, much, but better, I cannot find that much hatred in my heart, actually I cannot bring myself to hate at all, but, anger, pride/ego, fear, unforgivingness...yes, much still, there is still within myself a clinging to my anger and old wounds. What a journey. Progress not perfection, as we say in AA.

Hope this helps, much here about myself....

Lise

[Ami]

That really, really, really helps, Lise. Thanks so much!                                  Ami


It is so hard for me to face my bad qualities. I don't know why it is so hard. I just want to push them down and out a big,helpful smile on my face. That is me .
Aren't I cute?       Ami

[Twoapenny]

Hi Ami,

I find it hard to accept the different parts of myself.  I find I have different groups of friends who I 'am' different things with.  Some I walk with - these are women's institute type ladies, who live hearty, outdoor lives and have a 'get off your bum and get on with it attitude'.  I have friends who I home educate with - with them I am intelligent, thoughtful, dismissive of state interference and dedicated to giving my son a good education.  I have my neighbours, who see me as a friendly soul who helps out with community events and is happy to feed the cat, take in the post or water the plants when they're away.  I have mum friends who complain about their kids constantly - I try and stay away from them these days but I used to sit there with them whining on about how tough it all was.  I have friends I party with -with them I'm wild and funny and good fun to be around.  I feel like men just want to have sex with me and dump me so I stay away from them.  I have friends I talk with about new-age therapies and emotional issues and friends I discuss shopping with.  There are so many bits of me but none of them come together and I never feel whole.  I criticise the parts of me that like to have fun when I'm with my 'sensible' friends and the sensible bits of me when I'm with my fun friends.  It's hard to be one whole person and accept all those bits of yourself equally.

Hugs to you (((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))) Great thread

[Ami]

Oh (((Twoapenny))) You get it! That is right about it being so hard to integrate the parts in to a comfortable whole. I just bought a book about a MPD woman who had 17 identities . A therapist helped her make them one whole. It sounds too good to be true but hopefully it is true.
 The woman needed  trust in order to heal. I can see that cuz I have healed b/c I have s/one to trust,now. I have not since my GM died when I was in my early 20's.
 I will put all of us in my prayers that God will help us to be normal people who accept all their parts. Thanks so much for being there, Twoapenny.  How did you get your name (Twoapenny)?    xxxooo  Ami

[Ami]

I am really getting in touch with how much I have split. I remember an incident when  I was 13. I was walking and thinking "IS my M crazy? COULD it be that she is crazy?"
 I concluded that she was not crazy. *I* must be really bad for her to be so mean and destructive to me.
 I  logically concluded that she must not be crazy b/c she was a functioning person.  No one else seemed to think  she was crazy so *I* must be the crazy(BAD) one 

[Ami]

I am seeing that I get so freaked out if I see anything BAD even something simple things like a want , a need, a selfish feeling, judgmental thought etc.. I call all these things BAD.
 I  feel like it is a fire that will burn me if I see it. It feels like I can't even look at those less than perfect parts of me or I will die. Also, if I see them in others I will die.     Ami

[Nonameanymore]

I feel like that all the time Ami but some reading I did on spirituality, asks us/me to accept the dark/bad side that is part of us.

Something relevant/irrelevant I read on Conversations with God, is that you need to experience first what you are not and exclude it so you can be what you really are.
Lately I feel bad, as in a bad person, especially because I have a bit stronger boundaries than I did before. But maybe this is just a phase and I will go back to being 'good', once I feel safer again.

Probably none of this makes sense and is relevant to your question!

P.

[Ami]

It makes PERFECT sense, P. *I* feel BAD when I get stronger, more boundaries cuz this was the worst thing I could do to my M--become a functioning ,strong person with boundaries. It was dangerous as a kid . So, *I* punish myself so I can be safe.*I* am doing what my M did to me.
 Thanks for sharing that. It really helps, P, cuz that is what I am going through now.                    xxoo  Ami


PS A healthy Mother wants the kid to become a strong, confident, independent person but the N wants to deform you so you can never find your own strength and see them 

[Nonameanymore]

Dont know if this will help Ami, but when I started attending CODA meetings I had OTT boundaries. It happens that you need to bounce right the other end, then balance (eventually!) somewhere in the middile. And then still there's lots of work because I guess one is not a robot to not how much boundary to apply. You try and err and try and get it right. I still struggle (have started the boundary business in 2002) and think will always do because it's hard I think to unlearn certain behaviours.

Don't beat yourself up. Between us, there is the odd moment that I feel good about myself in the sense that I take it easier knowing that I am still learning and practice makes perfect, well not perfect of course but at a point that I am feeling more ok with myself. I still doubt and doubt and doubt and bounce from one end to the other but I don't give up.

Today my ex best friend replied to my message of yesterday with what I thought was a message that showed some care and felt into the trap to return a long and warm message to which she didn't bother replying. THEN, it was when I beat myself up for not realising that I should have kept a boundary. But how would I know? Still, I prefered to be 'warm' than replicate her behaviour. It was a decision I made and at least I feel good about opening up.

P

[Nonameanymore]

I will give you a for instance for how I feel about myself sometimes:

I am at this new job. People are nice and I am nice back. We laugh and I have integrated pretty smoothly (I usually do).
Today's incident made me think (through NM's eyes) that this is not the real me, I am not nice and that she could convince them that being pleasant and nice is just an act. The crazy thing is that I feel too (only today), 'oh my God, what would people think if they knew how horrible I really am?' I know this sounds crazy and it doesn't happen all the time, but it does happen.

P

[Ami]

YEEEEESS      P



That is exactly what I mean. I feel I am bad when I am just social or mannerly. My M's voice is "You are a phony. We know how terrible you are"  Thanks so much for being so real, P.     xxoo Ami

[Ami]

Thank you (((everyone who responded)))
 I am starting to feel a little less split.    xxxooo  Ami

[Gabben]

Ami,

Those feelings of shame around the NM's introjections, that were built into you through years of conforming to her level of expectations in order to meet her needs, such as the ideas that you are bad wanting, needing, feelings, thinking etc., take time to heal.

Last night, I watch the ending of Shawshank Redemption, I was reminded of the tunnels of shame that I have had to pass through in order to get more free. Recall how Andy has to climb through a tunnel of toxic waste to freedom?

Alice Miller would tell you to stay with your pain, even your shame for so much of it was buried, if you stay with the yucky feelings and pain (even anger), the darkness (it will pass) you will come out the other side a changed person and with more insight. I have had to go into myself, my heart,, feel the shame, the voices and negative messages-lies-that created that shame. At times the best that I can do is curl up in a little ball and wait the pain out until the dark clouds lift and a new feeling of lightness comes over me.

Looking back, I have had these dark tunnels of shame and pain for so long now, but what I realize that each one is different, each one tells a different story of abuse and lack of love in my life. The more I press on with the cross, staying with the pain, the more time seems to come in between the feelings of being captive, still, by my NM. The more I stay with the pain the more I see that I am not recycling so much even though my childhood was a recycle, day in and day out, of negative messages of shame that seemed to be encoded into my belief system. The way out is through, even I forget this, as I have had to wade, swim, climb, sleep, and claw my way through at times. I wonder, will it ever be finished.

You have made much progress, your insights and honesty are strong.

Just a thought...The idea of good and bad are judgements.  We children from dysfunctional families grew up thinking in all or nothing, black and white terms. Life is not black and white. The bad in me was something that through time I have been able to see good come out of.

Lise