Not wanted

[Worn]

I've been trying to understand why I react the way I do to certain situations.  To be in the moment and feel what I'm feeling at that moment and be ok with that.  That said, I was playing an online game the other day.  World of warcraft for those who know it.  I was in a group playing a player vs. player battle scenario.  I went to help a group with defense and was told 'go away'.  Childish behavior, I shrugged it off and went on offense.  My character attacked the enemies base and died.  I called out battle positions as I was waiting to get back in the mix of things.  Standard behavior in the battlegrounds.  The players in the group that had told me to leave began saying things like, 'well duh', 'looks like we've got a spy here'.  Stupid comments.  I imagine most people would ignore them and keep on playing.  At the time it bugged the crap out of me.  I instantly logged off and went to take a shower.  I ended up crying in the shower over an idiotic game. 
Usually I would beat myself up over this.  Call myself names, the works.  Instead I asked myself why I felt this way.  I started remembering episodes in school when basically the same scenario was played out.  Told to go away, told I wasn't wanted, belittled and made fun of when I tried to contribute.  Back in grade school I would usually lash out physically when treated this way.  There were quite a few episodes where I would be teased, start a fight and then end up crying after beating the tar out of someone.  Luckily I no longer lash out physically. 
But why do I have such a strong reaction to such treatment?  I realized that this was the scenario I played with my nm over and over again.  She told me at about age 8 that she didn't want me.  She has shown me in a hundred other ways.  When I would try to contribute in whatever way, I was made fun of, could never do it well enough, even though I'd never been shown how.  I didn't count, wasn't wanted and was always in her way.  God that hurts. 
I've had a very hard time having any sympathy for the child I was.  I'm beginning to find that sympathy.  Every day I watch how people interact.  I watch how children react to how they are treated.  I'm learning every day.  Sharon

[Nonameanymore]

Hi Sharon,

Not sure if it helps in this case but I heard that people who play these games can go OTT. My old landlord in London used to play a strategy game on his computer and you would be doomed if you dared talk to him while he was playing. I don't think it has anything to do with you in this particular case. Maybe these guys knew each other and this is why you felt excluded.

From what you say, their reaction triggered the old issues in you and I think I understand how you feel. I have reacted the same way when I felt excluded and unwanted. I have actually pictured people talking behind my back, having fun with it.

I think most of us in this board have been ridiculed one way or the other and I have no clue how you beat this. But I think that slowly as you heal and recover and work on your self-esteem, things will get easier. But then again during times when you feel more fragile, these things will keep coming back, methinks. So don't beat yourself up!

P

[Ami]

What is OTT,Persephone?                      Ami

[Nonameanymore]

Sorry guys, Over The Top!

P

[Ami]

Dear ((Sharon))
 I have been trying to solve my FOO(family of origin) patterns by being in the present. too. I discovered Ariel and Shya Kane who teach about  being in the present moment.
 It has helped so much .
 Those old patterns hurt so badly as you were saying.
 I go through that type of thing all the time with various situations. Keep writing and sharing !            xxoo  Ami

[Sealynx]

Hi Sharon,
I had a very bad childhood as well. I didn't understand other children, much less group behavior. How could I? They had normal parents and situations to pattern themselves after. I'd never known the feeling of having someone "on my side" or "covering my back". I saw alliances as only existing in the moment and not becuase of my superior skills. I was always a pawn in someone else's game, an expendable soldier who found out too late that she was being sent out to test shark infested waters without a cage to hide in.

I think this is one of the biggest issues we face. We start out alone against the world and weaponless. The family rules are made for characters who are fully combat ready and have nuclear capibilities. Worse yet they are either treacherous evil warlords or vassals pledged to defend them. We often turn against ourselves thinking we are just too dumb to play well. We feel stupid ten times over when our best intentions are not only rejected but ridiculed. As in your case, it doesn't matter that the rejection could have come from some very small boys preoccupied with trying to impress the girl next door.

It does get better. I've been working on this for many many years and my personal arsenal has grown considerably. I've learned when to retreat and when to spy before diving into the fray. I don't feel as helpful as I used to and realize that my strategy for winning is sometimes based on an assumption from childhood that I always need to save the day. When I feel like that, I go take that shower! It is better to self direct good energy at least part of the time. Next time you have a bad gaming day, turn your attention to the quickest way to gain a new spell, up your armor class or buy a better weapon. Do something good for yourself, even if it is totally imaginary.

[Ami]

That is wonderful advice, Sealynx. You have so many good things to add.              xxoo  Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Worn,

What may be healing for you is to let yourself fall in love.

Just hang around Sharon--you'll find out what's lovable about her.
(You know just from watching humans, people love all sorts of people, flaws and all.)

Sit around thinking about the good things about Sharon.
Talk kindly to her in the mirror.
Given a choice, give her a break.
Try to make her laugh now and then.

Give her lots of exercise, take her for some volunteer work, get her into music.

Decide she's really a good companion. Best one you've ever had.
Start enjoying her company. Diamond in the rough. Lemonade maker.

One day, you'll be sitting there one day and you'll realize: I want myself.

You're wantable. Guaranteed.

The rest will flow from you accepting it.

hugs,
Hops

[JudyK]

Dear Sharon,
  I believe our reaction to things in life. is a direct response to the way our NM's raised us.  I, too, was constantly criticized and judged. I am sure I wrote when first joining, the terrible teacher I had in 3rd and 4th grade.  EVERY day she ridiculed me and made fun of me in front of the other students, calling me stupid, etc.  And the kids, being the 8 year olds that they were, carried this harassment onto the playground.  I was largely ostracized. I had no protection at home, as NM blamed ME for what was going on in school.
  I am now, and have been for years, a staunch fighter for the "underdog", and always have to buck the system.  It has gotten me into some trouble in a few jobs I have had (by trouble I mean, management did not like me very well.)
  Also, I hate it when I feel someone is trying to treat me like a child.  My husband, at times, says things, and that is how I react to him.  Sometimes I feel guilty for that, because perhaps he really isn't intending to make me feel that way, but that is how I perceive it.
  When i was a kid, I was DESPERATE to make friends, and went overboard, thus driving people away.  I was always worrying I would say the wrong thing to someone.  Now, altough I enjoy having friends, it is not paramount to my happiness.
   What happened to you, while playing the game, would have made me angry, and i probably would have responded accordingly.  I don't know what advice I can give you, except that I thin k, with age, some of those terrible insecurities our mothers have instilled in us, just lessens, and loses power.    I hope that happens for you, as well.   Hugs, Judy

[Worn]

Thank you for the replies. 

Sealynx, that is right on.  I love your analogy to gaming and family life.  Weaponless level one characters with no newbie guide.   

Persephone, I'm guessing you're right.  And on some level I know it is not me, in fact I know it very well.  Still there are these emotional reactions to being targeted for ridicule.  I wonder, why me?  What did I do?  I know I did nothing and it is only me encountering childish behavior.  N's are about on a 6 yr old's development level, correct?  Makes sense to me, lol.

Hops, every time I read your post I start to cry.  I want that so much.  To be wanted.  I know it starts with myself.  So I'm going to work on it.  Thank you.

Judy and Ami, thank you for the hugs and support.  It is priceless to be able to come here and be validated.  There are a few people in my real life I can do that with.  But I find that actually doing that scares the hell out of me.  So I seldom do.  I'm thinking practicing here will help. 

Judy, I too am a fan of the underdog.  It has gotten me in trouble at work in the same way.  Thinking I was being a team player, helping others out, and then being slapped back down for it.  I actually quit my last job because of a situation like that.  I know I emotionally overreacted to the criticism that I knew was unwarranted.  I actually had dreams every night for about two months about my boss that would wake me up in such a rage I couldn't go back to sleep.  Not a very healthy way to process things.  This is why I am trying to work on this area in particular. 

Hugs for everyone! Sharon

[getnbtr]

Hi Worn,

What may be healing for you is to let yourself fall in love.

Just hang around Sharon--you'll find out what's lovable about her.
(You know just from watching humans, people love all sorts of people, flaws and all.)

Sit around thinking about the good things about Sharon.
Talk kindly to her in the mirror.
Given a choice, give her a break.
Try to make her laugh now and then.

Give her lots of exercise, take her for some volunteer work, get her into music.

Decide she's really a good companion. Best one you've ever had.
Start enjoying her company. Diamond in the rough. Lemonade maker.

One day, you'll be sitting there one day and you'll realize: I want myself.

You're wantable. Guaranteed.

The rest will flow from you accepting it.

hugs,
Hops

What great advice, thank you for posting this. There are times when I take care of myself like this and then feel guilty. Trying to let the guilt go is so much easier when someone else says it's ok...I wish that I could trust myself, but, I do see it getting better. I have a best friend, and I use that term very lightly now, that used to critisize me and roll her eyes when I would speak. I still see her because we married cousins, but I have to say that I have been taking some steps back and know now that our relationship is not healthy for me. Making new friend is hard because sometimes I think that we expect that they will have these same "old Friend" behaviors. Good idea to be a good friend to ourseves first before we trust other. Thanks Hops! Sharon, I understand where you are coming from. I battle this everyday. Taking care of and trusting ourselves sounds like a great idea. xxxx

[Hopalong]

Sharon, Gtnbtr,

You're both so welcome.

(And wanted.)

love
Hops