(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
There were a lot of stages for me (us). Each one hurt like hell. At first, we all started figuring out who we were and why we were alters in a multiple personality system. We recovered a lot of buried memories, and we started showing each other our scars.
Think of several sisters, cousins, nieces, etc. that had all grown up in the same house but never knew of each others existence. Shortly after these women and girls all discover each other, still living in the same house, they start recovering memories of horrific abuse. They talk and cry and hang together, and they start to put together the pieces of the puzzle that is their lives up to this point. Each time one recovers a memory, it hurts that one. Then when she shares her memory with the others, it hurts them, too.
We spent about 9 months going through that stage. It was painful but also exciting to find out who we were and what we were capable of. We discovered that we had a lot of strengths and talents during that time. It was a necessary step in the healing. After that we spent about 18 months just being us. Then we were in a motorcycle accident in which we broke our arm, and one of the youngest personalities merged.
Now this next part is hard to explain, but I'll do my best. I think it is the closest point where my experience matches yours.
Of the twelve of us, the alter named Erin was the last to be created. All the other 11 alters merged into this one. I legally changed my name from Julie to Erin during the process. As all the others merged into me, their memories, emotions, fears, and talents became mine. When I look back on my life now, the memories feel like mine, even though most of them happened long before I, Erin, existed as a separate personality. Before integration, I experienced the memories as if they had happened to someone else, and I had been told about them, but integrating each personality meant her past became mine.
It seems to me as if you are at a similar point right now, where things in your past that you were once able to keep at a distance, are now starting to seem more real. In other words, where I integrated whole personalities, it seems like you are starting to integrate past memories.
I think your analogy about the Novocaine wearing off your psyche is very apt. It is exactly like that, I believe. Time and distance have given you a little start on you healing. Now you will let the dissociation (numbness) wear off and then you ocan really get down to healing.
When it happened for me, there were varying degrees of pain, depending on the alter, the memory, how much prior knowledge I already had of the incident in question, etc. Sometimes it was just a matter of claiming a memory as my own. Sometimes I got treated to a little horror movie about some aspect of abuse that I had not previously known about. The hardest things to handle was the emotions of the other alters. I was saturated by turn with fear, sorrow, rage, frustration, humiliation, guilt, and shame.
For an example, there was one alter who was my same age, which is to say, we both experienced ourselves as being the same chronological age as our body. (When our drivers license said we were 25, I felt 25 and she also felt 25, I hope that clears it up.) Her name was Storm, and she was the protector of all of us. She was the last to merge. The moment it happened, I was hit with this huge tidal wave of guilt. Just out of the blue, I felt completely helpless and inadequate and started thinking, "How on earth could I have let that happen to the child alters?" Where before I had never felt personally responsible for what had happened to any of the kids, suddenly this guilt just overwhelmed me. Then I knew it was really Storm's emotions, guilt and frustration and impotence and inadequacy that she and never admitted before to anyone, and now it was mine to bear because the wall between us was gone.
That was about 10 years ago. Today I experience the world as a single, integrated person. I still have moments where I look at events as if they are happening to someone else (I hear this is normal). I still have times when I experience an event in a numbed state, and the emotion comes after (Also normal, apparently). I still have different faces of myself for work, husband, kiddo, etc. (Everybody does this.) My work self does not resemble my real self at all. I know a lot of people do this, especailly sales people, who have a gregarious "work persona" when really they are shy or reserved. Lots of women on my industry forums do this. Totally normal.
We all have disconnects from reality form time to time. We need to do it in order to keep from losing our minds. Dissociation is a severe form of a very normal phenomenon, and it helped us to survive.
I have heard of other non-multiples going through similar, though not so dramatic changes. It sounds to me like this is what is happening to you. Of course you get tired. This is emotionally exhausting. I had physical pain in my body (still do--bizarre stabbing pains that have no medical reason), fatigue, insomnia, and I even got mono toward the beginning of the process (although I was also overworking myself at the time, which I'm sure had something to do with it.)
Ami, I know this is going to be a hard time for you. It will pretty much suck, except for those moments when you can look back at what you survived and say, "Damn, I'm tough!" Unfortunately, you have to do this, so you can heal. In Incest Survivors Anonymous, we used to say, "The only way out is through." As far as I can tell, that is the absolute truth.
Hang in there, Ami. It will be OK in the end. I promise. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ami))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
