Does Anyone Feel They Had to Reject Their Primal Self In Order to Live?

[Ami]

I had to do this. My mind/body made that decision when I was 14. It was that or insanity, I think.
Now, I live with self rejection inside and it is killing me.

[CB123]

Ami

What do you mean by primal self?

CB

[Ami]

Thank you for asking, CB.I wish I could explain it better  but for me to have an identity was BAD. To have a sense of separate self was BAD. To think independently and to even have a sense that there WAS someone inside me was BAD.
 I think most of my problems are simply not feeling like I have a solid self  to whom I am connected .
 When this connection comes, I think I will be emotionally healthy.
        

[Ami]

It has to do with being an independent person :in my own right, thinking for myself, feeling my own feelings, seeing with my own eyes, figuring out my own way, what feels good, right, wise with my OWN gut and head. I think ALL if that is BAD.
That is what BAD is--all of the above.
 I want to be strong, confident, independent,able to stand alone .
Everything with wanting to be a SELF is bad :whatever that may be--needs, wants, independence, not wanting to take care of other's needs, not wanting have to fix others,not wanting to make others feel better, just wanting to feel my own feelings, thoughts, perceptions , trust them and act with protecting myself.
Being FOR yourself is BAD.
All this is BAD but when I read it--it seems healthy. Maybe all that is what emotional health is.

What BAD really is ---is taking care of yourself.

[teartracks]

Hi Ami,

I think that when a person's (child or adult) real, core, primal self becomes subject to the will of another by force (in my mind 'force' can be exerted in a number of ways), the victim may well feel they had to reject themselves in order to survive.   I wrote about it a long time ago here that I had an abiding guilt from a source I couldn't identify (after my recovery/healing began) until I did some inner child work while backed up in a mountan cabin in KY, me, my troubles and God. I can't describe the sadness that accompanied it, but it was revealed to me that I was carrying guilt for having abandoned my 'self' at about age two.  As much as I was able, I explained how and why it happened to my inner child.  I promised her that I would never abandon her again.   The guilt went away.  Do you think it might be helpful to talk to the 14 year old you who went under?   If you think it would be a good thing, my only suggestion would be that you might need to talk to her on a 14 year old level.  Part of the reason my inner child work has been so tentative is because I approached speaking to her as an adult.  I understand now that I should have talked to her on her on a two yearl old level.    

tt


 

[Ami]

I think that when a person's (child or adult) real, core, primal self becomes subject to the will of another by force (in my mind 'force' can be exerted in a number of ways), the victim may well feel they had to reject themselves in order to survive.

 



This is EXACTLY what I meant, TT. I am happy that you understood!                       Ami

[Ami]

I think "BAD "is being emotionally healthy and taking care of yourself.  You have to take care of yourself. It is the order of things.
 As I get out more, I see what happens to needy people. Other people scorn you. Scorning  is happening to a girl in the drinking group. It is pitiful but it is human nature,I think.
 Not all people are mean to her but most don't want much to do with her
 I think you can have a good life if you protect yourself against other's primal nature and understand your own. You need to know your own motivations . That is the hardest thing for me, facing my own evil.

[Ami]

I know what I have to do ,now. I have to go down in to the basement  of my feelings within and feel them. I did that on Fri. My guitar teacher is teaching me to sing which brings up  the buried self.
Your true, naked self has to come out when you sing or it will have no heart.
 I put a toe in to feel my true ,naked self and I got a mass of feelings. I felt sick to my stomach.
 After he left, I analysed what I felt. It was pure self rejection. I cried  and shared it will my friend.
 It helped. I am ready to face what is within me. That is what I have been calling BAD. It is the snake pit of all I have pushed down so I could survive my childhood. I can look at it now. That is my next step.
 I know I have a bunch of strong feelings in  there. Many are not "acceptable" such as hatred ,rage,pure selfishness and jealousy  but I am ready to go down to the basement. It is Halloween   LOL.            Ami

[CB123]

Ami

Today is Nov. 1--All Saints Day--a celebration of the victorious.

Maybe today is a very good day for you.

CB

[Ami]

              (((CB)))                                Ami