Hi P,
I personally feel that a difficult/abusive/emotionally void relationship with your mum leads to a whole host of problems with commitment, attachment, security and so on, throughout life.
I find it very difficult to trust people. I have been accepting (slowly!) that being raised in a home where I couldn't trust anyone has left me with a belief about the world that no-one can be trusted. I don't consciously think this, but have realised over the years that my deep seated belief is that people will hurt me. Anyone I open up to will ridicule me, use what I tell them against me, spread rumours and lies about difficulties I experience and judge me badly. If someone else hurts me, they will stand aside and let that happen. Deeper than that, I have a belief that I don't deserve to be loved or valued, wanted or cherished, that I'm dirty, ugly, selfish, pathetic, a liar, mentally deranged - the list goes on. These are all things that I was taught, silently, implicitly, probably from the day I was born. It takes a very, very long time to (1) realise there are aspects of your life that you aren't happy with or that you dislike (2) understand and figure out why those things happen and (3) to start re-programming years of negative messages that you received at the time in your life you were most vulnerable and had no other experience to (or perspective) that would show you what was going on was inappropriate and unhealthy.
You've realised that there are aspects about relationships that you struggle with. This is good news! Once you realise there's a problem you can start figuring out the solution. You cut your mum out a long time ago and that is such a huge and difficult step, and for a lot of people a really key part to healing.
I feel enormous pangs of envy when I look at my adult friends who have loving, healthy friends, and when I see young children in shops with mums who coo over them and praise them. I think this is good; it shows that you are seeing a relationship that you recognise as being healthy and you want it. We're only envious of things we want for ourselves and wanting healthy, loving relationships is a really, really good sign. You've also bagged yourself a man who is a good father. This is also really important, P, it's so easy to get into situations with people like our parents. But this guy makes his daughter his priority and is there for her when she's sick. That is what a good, kind, loving, healthy parent does - and you've picked one. Your antennae is up and you're picking out healthy partners. More importantly, you have picked a guy who could potentially be a good parent to your children if you did have them in the future.
Please try not to give yourself a hard time over this. When I read your post I saw only positives. You seem to me to have the nuts and bolts in place, it's just tweaking and fine tuning that's going on now. It is hard, and it's even harder when you're feeling ill! Let yourself feel what you're feeling, let it work it's way out of your system, give yourself lots of love and attention at the moment and congratulate yourself on how much work you've done and how far you've come. What you're desciribing at the minute sounds to me completely normal and healthy. As hops says, recognising your feelings and knowing you want to do something about them is something that an N can't do.
I have times when I do and say things that are just like my mum. I look like her as well and there are times when I cringe! But recognising those things, noting them and doing something about them is the difference between you and your mum. Now wrap up warm, get yourself some vitamins and a feel-good movie and get to bed!!
Hugs to you, P, you're doing great ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
