Checking on Miz Izzy...

[Hopalong]

Ole Hippy,

You okay hon?
When's your surgery?
Getting enuf help?

Don't type if it hurts...just sending love.

Know you're not forgotten and healing bone-knitting pain-soothing love's heading up Nawth to you.

Muchly,
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

Oh Thank you Hops,

and Hi All

I just checked in to leave a message.............................

What is a word that is not "Depression" but for someone who doesn't dress, make her bed, do any work, just reads, and watches movies, listens to Susan Boyle, ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yb3XAP0c8WU ) and figures is all over but the shouting because of the unknown? Lawyer says I have one good broken leg for my claim! Meanwhile Mary Jo, who works for driver's Insurance Company to keep down expenses treats this as a 20 yr old healthy with a broken leg that ought to be figure skating in 2 months, and has been cutting my services, but lawyer is really on her case now! I am 8 months in 10 days!

I had the femur ball removed on Nov 12th, home on the 15th, but all the excruciating pain is gone (YAY!) .....just surgery discomfort and am all swollen again, with 2 previous scars joined into one long one, to remove the ball and some bone parts. If I were a walkie, I would collapse from a 'rubber hip'. The space left between the shaft and the hip socket will grow cartilage if I receive the right therapy. I have asked and one Doctor agreed, that gentle pulling of my leg would stop the shaft from fusing to the hip socket, shortening my leg by about 3", and cartilage would grow in there. As we know, our noses and ears are cartilage and bend without hurting, so I ought to have sitting and lying down privileges unless Mary Jo cannot understand this! I sure as hell can!

My thigh is swollen again and I have to shoot a needle per evening of anticoagulant ($236.70) into my tummy, 20 times, and take anti-inflammatory meds as well.

Christine, my house helper is back from vacation, (brought me a little turtle with a bouncing head, from Caba San Lucas) and a nurse is back for dressing the incision, while foot care was cancelled, therapy was cancelled, and MJ was on the verge of cutting back house help hours.

I'll bet she has egg all over her face now!!

Paul, lawyer came to hospital and brought me a stuffed puppy and a rose. What a doll! That's Paul.

My new chair was NOT stolen!

I sort of have the feeling I am not taking this a seriously as someone else might, as though it is really not happening to me?--and that maybe I am not real because all this crap doesn't happen to one person who has kept a low profile and minded her own business all her life.

PLEASE! Does anyone understand what I am asking?

love
Dizzy Izzy

[teartracks]

Hi Iz,

What is a word that is not "Depression" but for someone who doesn't dress, make her bed, do any work, just reads, and watches movies, listens to Susan Boyle, ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yb3XAP0c8WU ) and figures is all over but the shouting because of the unknown?

Retired?

Glad the surgery took away the pain, Iz.   

Keep cracking the whip on all the slouches!

Big hugs!

tt

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Iz, I understand. You may not feel "real" but you surely are! You're real, because all this crap DID happen to you... and if you wrote/blogged about it publicly, then maybe the medical folks would gain a new perspective. I can't believe it's been 8 mos; but sure 'nuff... your accident was in March wasn't it? That's a LONG time and I think you're absolutely right about the difference in age being a factor that hasn't been taken into account about your care.

One thing I noticed lately - about MIL and it's true for me too - is that how we feel about ourselves and how we plain old feel depends on interaction with other people. Nothing earth shatteringly important; just the normal day to day chat-topics... as if interaction with other people gives us a chance to "be" ourselves. To kinda unfold our personalities for someone else... and be recognized. It really does make a difference in how we feel. Hopefully you won't be cooped up at home much longer.

As far as not dressing... that's a practical thing, isn't it? And comfort. It's not always a sign of "depression". Last couple days, I tried packing boxes in my jeans... dressed coz my D brought her latest beau with her. Well, it just wasn't comfortable and made the work harder! I'm much better off in a sweat suit or lounge suit because there's a lot of dust, I'm up/down off the floor, I'll get hot inside the house or have to go out to cool off... and then I'm man-handling boxes into the most compact stacks I can so that I still have room to work and function. Yesterday afternoon, I just said screw it and put on my "work clothes" and didn't bother apologizing for my appearance. This is one hell of a lot of work (lost 2 lbs so far) and I'm doing it all myself, due to hubby still working for another few weeks. We've started working on "sorting" some of his stuff, but he just makes smaller piles and then wants to dump it all in a box. Today, I might sit more and shred old papers.

I see you convalescing in pretty, loose, flowy dresses - whatever happened to the muu-muu? Having spa-days when you can pamper yourself, do your nails, make a run out to get your hair done. All so you can install a web-cam and start online dating and chatting! 

[Ami]

PLEASE! Does anyone understand what I am asking?

Yes, I understand . It is more of the same thing you talk about--dissociation.A classic symptom is not feeling "real". This time it is from the second accident and all you have been through. Also, you probably still have dissociation from your childhood and other trauma such as the N.
 All you have been through recently since the second accident would put anyone is shock. I realized about shock after Scott died. I realized that I had been in shock since 14 . The feeling was familiar cuz it was my life posture. However, it got worse after another shocking event.
 If you can read about depersonalization and derealization that might help.These are forms of not feeling real. They are parts of dissociation. It is l "normal" for all the trauma you have been through,Izzy.
 May God Keep You in His Arms!                             Ami

[Hopalong]

The space left between the shaft and the hip socket will grow cartilage if I receive the right therapy. I have asked and one Doctor agreed, that gentle pulling of my leg would stop the shaft from fusing to the hip socket

I hope your lawyer is all over making this happen even if it takes a court order.

Mary Jo needs a Lesson in Life.

I am so so so glad the excruciating pain is gone.

I imagine in addition to shock, that one reason you feel weird is literally like that dazed, limp, I-survived-Normandy-but-the-war's-still-on kind of thing. And postoperative depression IS a real, biochemical things for many people...

Don't despair.

love,
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

Hiya tt, PR, Ami and Hops

The word I was looking for was more like 'resigned'

I did a bit of searching and found this:

Stoic philosophy says to accept things that cannot be changed, resigning oneself to existence and enduring in a rational fashion. Death is not feared. It was part of a Wiki article. I think it comes closest to what I've been feeling....you know me, cannot identify feelings.

Let me know if you can see that?

I was "down' the other day and didn't know why, then after I telephoned my car Insurance re renewal on Nov 27, and received an acceptable answer, I was fine, so in and amongst the good and bad it was my Car Insurance and not having been through non-renewal before, in all my driving years, realized the difference in renewal and cancellation.

Retired tt? You funnee! I retired in 1972, from the work force, but not from troubles!    

and PR Yes. Not dressing is practical. It was so painful to do so, and to use the bathroom, so I didn't go around announcing to my 'visitors' that I was not wearing any underwear. When ALL discomfort leaves and I can wiggle my scanties up and down in a bathroom, I will be more ready to attack the outside world and public washrooms, where there is no bed on which to lie to redress! Whatever happened to the muu-muu? has been constantly on my mind.

I have a vague picture of me, bottom-wise as no legs, but the round bottom of a child's toy that, no matter how much it is pushed, it rolls back to an upright postion. Weird? That replaced a picture of a rubber tire on one hip with no leg!    

and Ami There is also a sense of "loss I have experienced, say a death, yes", that only I understand, while the rest of the world moves on in it's normal dysfunctional way, and once again, I will be left behind. Then one day I will plateau from this and move on again, but there is still the grieving process, so to speak.    

and Hops " I-survived-Normandy-but-the-war's-still-on" is very a propos! Now that Paul, lawyer, and I are more acquainted and are getting along, understanding how each thinks, even he knows this was more than just a broken leg. I know I can count on him (always did but is more confirmed with this surgery, as he was incensed at Mary Jo) I know she is looking for official records of the surgery before coming to me, and discussing with Paul and me, what her strategy will be. I called my Surgeon's Office to see if my Release of Information form was still in order, as Dr. is away, but reachable via e-mail. Yes!    

Thank you all and I think of you all but like the last 8 months, almost, is has been pain and me fighting one another. I noted too, how in the hospital, my 'chair would be moved out of reach, but not out of sight. Out of reach is a helpless feeling! but, you know, I have not yet reached a point of total helplessness, I know. So there is still more in store for me. EEEEEKK!

Love
Izzy

[bearwithme]

(((((((((((((Izz)))))))))))))))))))))))

So happy about the relief of pain.  I just wished I was there to help you!!  Well, I'm with you in spirit ...

You've been through so much, too much.  And that is real, as are you. 

Bear

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks bear,
I think many of us here have experiences that are hard to believe that they are really happening to us, yet they are.

If we knew when young where we would be at 70, well believe me, I would have found a way not to age. Always new surprises, around every corner! Think how boring it might be too, to know in advance! Well that is really another topic.

At least I figured our resigned, which sounds better than depressed

Best
Izzy

[Ami]

I think many of us here have experiences that are hard to believe that they are really happening to us, yet they are.[/quote]


This is so ,so true. I was talking to my guitar teacher about my life and had to step back and realize it really was me. I still feel like the innocent girl with hopes and dreams.
 I am not .                       Ami

[Izzy_*now*]

After these 'unreal' things have happened to me, my mind, memory and voice tells the stories, as though it happened to someone else.

I am suspecting that this how it has always been, not taking the time to feel the feeling as mine, so any references are as though I read it in a book, or someone else told me, but I know it happened to me and people wonder how I can be so 'strong'. Not emotional, but resigned.

Stoic philosophy says to accept things that cannot be changed, resigning oneself to existence and enduring in a rational fashion. Death is not feared

Hmmm/ Am I rational?

[Hopalong]

Book for you, Izz...absolutely STUNNING book...couldn't recommend it more:

http://www.learningtofall.com/unused%20pages/new%20index.htm

xxoo
((((((((((Izz))))))))))

comfort and even...joy.

Hops

[HeartofPilgrimage]

COuld you move from "resigned" to "accepting"? To me, resigned means there's no hope for future change, but "accepting" means that's the way it is now and I can't change it (but maybe there's hope for the future)?

[Izzy_*now*]

Hey Hops
Thanks for the book idea. It sounds good from what I read online

and HeartOP

After 40 years of being disabled I expect I've accepted it, then a car hit me in March, breaking my femur. After 6 months of pain and 2 surgeries I was still in pain and it increased, so an x-ray showed I had a gap, not healed, titanium ruined from an infection causing its removal, second surgery. The non-union led to a 3rd surgery Nov 12 removing the ball of my femur that was dying in there. I am resigning myself that when I start losing body parts from this and as I age, and there is nothing I can do to change the physical for the better. I am resigned to old age and more and more health problems

accept things that cannot be changed, resigning oneself to existence and enduring in a rational fashion

and have had edema for now 8 months.--elephant legs/ankles.

At least I am rid of all the Ns

Thanks
Izzy

[lighter]

Oh Thank you Hops,

and Hi All

I sort of have the feeling I am not taking this a seriously as someone else might, as though it is really not happening to me?--and that maybe I am not real because all this crap doesn't happen to one person who has kept a low profile and minded her own business all her life.

PLEASE! Does anyone understand what I am asking?

love
Dizzy Izzy

I think I do understand, (((Izz.)))

Glad your chair isn't gone.....

and that your lawyer seems to be advocating hard on your behalf.

They'll sweep you under the rug, if they can.

You belong in the light.

::sending healing thoughts your way:::

I wish I could help.

Mo2