P, I think having a baby really focuses you and clears a lot of that N baggage out of the way. You just don't have the same time and energy available to keep putting up with cr*p behaviour from other people. I also found that I had to cut a lot of difficult people out of my life because I feel you have to lead by example and I didn't want my son growing up thinking these people were role models. So whilst it is/can be scary, in another way it's incredibly liberating. I also think just being aware of your own behaviour and the difficulties you've experienced with other people's means that you can knock any N tendancies on the head before they get problematic. I often hear myself thinking or saying something my mum would say and it is scary. But it does at least alert me to another area of myself to work on. And unlike my mum, if I do or say something I later regret I will apologise to the person involved. We all get it wrong sometimes but I think being able to accept that and move on from it is part of being human.
It's really not that scary! Once you find your rhythm life gets really nice and for me I've been able to give my son the childhood I never got which has helped me to heal in certain ways. I play with him as much as I can, read to him, we make stuff and just spend time together. My mum never did that with me so I'm getting to do all the stuff I missed out on as a child with my boy now. The day I had him was a bit of a blur, what with the messy business of giving birth and then loads of visitors through the day. But I woke up early the next morning, took him in my arms and sat looking down at him and I can't ever put into words that thunderbolt that hit me right there and then. I'd never felt love like it; on the one hand it's really tender because you have this tiny little thing in your arms that's just so sweet and cute looking, but on the other there's something almost savage about it because I knew at that minute I'd kill for my boy without even thinking about it. That protective streak is really strong, and I think sometimes stronger in people who were abused themselves as children? I know it goes the other way and you get parents that don't care because they were abused and that's how they cope, but in others I think there's this really strong urge to protect your child in a way that you were never protected.
Having him was the best thing I ever did and I would always say to anyone thinking about having a child to go for it - if you're determined to be a good parent then you can overcome anything that's a problem along the way. There have been some really painful times but since I had my boy my mum's power over me just got less and less and less until she didn't matter at all. He's definitely changed me for the better and made me a much stronger and healthier person. I say go for it!! xx
