Author Topic: Belittlement  (Read 3846 times)

Hopalong

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Re: Belittlement
« Reply #15 on: January 18, 2010, 12:43:35 PM »
Lise,
Forgive me for forgetting, but is your biological father still alive?

How I wish you could tell him that memory, with steady eyes, and let let the reality of it sit in the space between you (as opposed to you holding it alone). If he lives, he needs the opportunity to help you hold that memory. Give it to him.

And if he's gone, well, you know a lot about doing those releasing kinds of exercises even in your imagination.

I'm so sorry.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Gabben

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Re: Belittlement
« Reply #16 on: January 18, 2010, 01:00:31 PM »
Lise,
Forgive me for forgetting, but is your biological father still alive?

How I wish you could tell him that memory, with steady eyes, and let let the reality of it sit in the space between you (as opposed to you holding it alone). If he lives, he needs the opportunity to help you hold that memory. Give it to him.

And if he's gone, well, you know a lot about doing those releasing kinds of exercises even in your imagination.

I'm so sorry.

love,
Hops

Oh Hops,

It was so nice to see you posting on this thread, I miss your comforting and validating words. Thank you.

My BF is still alive and well. I have much forgiveness and love for him. He, many years later, allowed me to express to him all that was in my heart to him, to be fully angry at him and to have the pain of the injustice of his abandonment fully acknowledged.

It was such a blessing for me in the midst of so many injustices were there is very little hope of that kind of validation or a real facing from those that hurt me. I have many times shared with him my pain, he knows and has done some major work and growing, fully admitting how wrong and selfish he was to do what he did. I know that he has agonized over the pain, I know this. It is the past between him and I now. But the pain still comes up and little lise needs her heart heard and acknowledged so that I can heal to let go and stop acting out unfinished business.

Love you.
Lise


Hopalong

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Re: Belittlement
« Reply #17 on: January 18, 2010, 06:20:09 PM »
Quote
I know that he has agonized over the pain, I know this.

What a difference that must make.

Sounds like he loves you, and would undo yesterday and do it right if he could.
But he didn't know how, back when he hurt you so.

I'm really glad you've had this healing with him.

His side of the road's been swept by your forgiveness, and now you're working on forgiving yourself for YOUR side of the equation, let's see:

innocent vulnerable yearning 4 y/o approaches ignorant emotionally paralysed father and is rejected, so that must make her...hmmm....ummm, let's see, a little tiny girl takes a hugely brave risk out of love and vulnerability and is callously or carelessly rejected so that must make her....errr....hmmm....nope, it's just not computing.

There is no equation, Lise.

You're not even on the board.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Gabben

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Re: Belittlement
« Reply #18 on: January 18, 2010, 06:49:40 PM »
a little tiny girl takes a hugely brave risk out of love and vulnerability and is callously or carelessly rejected

Hops - you have such a way with words, a real gift for holding others pain in a poem, as if the pain I have been carrying today has been finally heard.

I have been so alone in the pain.

I think that compassion is just about the most healing medicine for any wounded soul. When I read your words tears started to pour down, but is was powerful even more than just releasing the tears for me as your compassion has helped to put a new memory in place of a painful one, and that means now that it is all done; more than a bandaid, it is a bandaid with a kiss, understanding, a hug and then a lollipop. Healed.

Thank you,
Lise

Hopalong

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Re: Belittlement
« Reply #19 on: January 18, 2010, 08:16:11 PM »
She deserves it.

so glad.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

HeartofPilgrimage

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Re: Belittlement
« Reply #20 on: January 19, 2010, 10:23:04 AM »
Gabben,

I went over to the members' stories board, but couldn't find anything from you that describes your childhood more completely. I just wanted to ask --- did you have a non-bio father that took care of you? Or was that place either left vacant or filled with an N?

Basically, as an adoptive mom (I'm also a bio-mom though), I HATE IT when people call the bio-parents "your REAL mom/dad". I think doing the parenting job (the love and validation and growing your soul part, not just the feeding and clothing and sending you to school part) ... that makes you REAL.

I think that kids, when told "that mother that gave birth to you is your REAL mother" or something similar, take "REAL" to mean that there is something unreal about the adoptive mom and the relationship between her and the child. (Or between the adoptive dad and the child, etc.). As if that relationship could be broken or otherwise go away.

My heart broke some years ago when an elderly lady that spoke mostly Spanish was doing housekeeping for me. At first, she told me she had no children because her only child died at birth. But then she revealed that a friend of hers had had a baby, not been able to care for her, and this little lady housekeeper adopted this little girl. She raised this child and now this adoptive daughter has her only grandchild. I told her, "You are a mother. She is your daughter. You did the mother job." Maybe it was the language barrier that was the problem, but I think this little lady never had the sense of being REAL to her own daughter.

Anyway, maybe this is irrelevant if you never got a good father figure, adoptive or otherwise. But if you did, I think that whoever poured love and stability into your life was REAL.

Ami

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Re: Belittlement
« Reply #21 on: January 19, 2010, 10:31:52 AM »
(((((Lise))))) !                    x o x   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung