Gabben,
I went over to the members' stories board, but couldn't find anything from you that describes your childhood more completely. I just wanted to ask --- did you have a non-bio father that took care of you? Or was that place either left vacant or filled with an N?
Basically, as an adoptive mom (I'm also a bio-mom though), I HATE IT when people call the bio-parents "your REAL mom/dad". I think doing the parenting job (the love and validation and growing your soul part, not just the feeding and clothing and sending you to school part) ... that makes you REAL.
I think that kids, when told "that mother that gave birth to you is your REAL mother" or something similar, take "REAL" to mean that there is something unreal about the adoptive mom and the relationship between her and the child. (Or between the adoptive dad and the child, etc.). As if that relationship could be broken or otherwise go away.
My heart broke some years ago when an elderly lady that spoke mostly Spanish was doing housekeeping for me. At first, she told me she had no children because her only child died at birth. But then she revealed that a friend of hers had had a baby, not been able to care for her, and this little lady housekeeper adopted this little girl. She raised this child and now this adoptive daughter has her only grandchild. I told her, "You are a mother. She is your daughter. You did the mother job." Maybe it was the language barrier that was the problem, but I think this little lady never had the sense of being REAL to her own daughter.
Anyway, maybe this is irrelevant if you never got a good father figure, adoptive or otherwise. But if you did, I think that whoever poured love and stability into your life was REAL.
