Fractured Self

[Ami]

I think that one of our main problems as children of N's is a fractured self. I am not saying everyone on here has this so please don't start a debate if YOU don't.
This is to the people who feel they have a fractured self.
 I am seeing that this may be the root of many assorted problems .  What do you think?

[Ami]

I have stomach aches a lot. I know it is emotional. My stomach handles my emotions for me. When I feel afraid in any way,I get a stomach ache.
 I notice that if I feel close to someone(intimacy), I will get a stomach ache. This can be to anyone--male or female.
 If I am afraid someone will be angry, I get a stomach ache too and I always afraid of anger.
 Just writing this is giving me a stomach ache . Sometimes, I wish I could go in to another person's body and assume their identity  
 I find any change very hard--changing myself,going new places, any change --really.

[Lucky]

Every morning at the time I have to get up I feel this fear of having to face people again and to be punished, belittled, blamed, bossed around, etc.

With regard to the fractured self I am very much aware that I am like a narcissist. The narcissist has a fractured self and so do I. The only difference is that I am finally fully aware of it. The problem is now how to become one because I don’t precisely know how to do that.
http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/abandonment.htm

[Ami]

Every morning at the time I have to get up I feel this fear of having to face people again and to be punished, belittled, blamed, bossed around, etc.

With regard to the fractured self I am very much aware that I am like a narcissist. The narcissist has a fractured self and so do I. The only difference is that I am finally fully aware of it. The problem is now how to become one because I don’t precisely know how to do that.
http://www.toddlertime.com/dx/borderline/abandonment.htm

Yeah (((Lucky))))IF there were a pill to take for this one--I would do it--Pronto!   x o x o

I will check out your site. Thank you


PPS  I can so relate that people are almost the enemy cuz it seems like a replay of my M where I will get flogged and beaten. I never realized that until YOU said it. That is why the Board is so good. People share deep heart things. That really helped me Lucky.

[Ami]

I KNOW what my stomach aches are---FEAR of my own power. It just hit me. I feel I can't have boundaries and defend myself from the outside or I am selfish(ie a HORRIBLE piece of garbage who my NM can ABUSE then cuz I had the NERVE to want a self)            Ami




PS  That was a WONDERFUL article, Lucky. It really said it all.

[Ami]

Reading that article, Lucky, really, really, really makes me HATE my M for putting me through all that. She KNEW she was hurting me and enjoyed every minute of it.
 I really, really, really hate her!        Ami

[seasons]

I have stomach aches a lot. I know it is emotional. My stomach handles my emotions for me. When I feel afraid in any way,I get a stomach ache.
 I notice that if I feel close to someone(intimacy), I will get a stomach ache. This can be to anyone--male or female.
 If I am afraid someone will be angry, I get a stomach ache too and I always afraid of anger.
 Just writing this is giving me a stomach ache . Sometimes, I wish I could go in to another person's body and assume their identity  
 I find any change very hard--changing myself,going new places, any change --really.

I can't believe I am reading this.

This morning I woke up in such panic from being afraid. My heart beats very fast, like if a Dr. just told me I had a terminal illness and I want to run or am afraid for my life.
Then I feel guilty for having this analogy because it is not my reality but my extensive fears and that is the only way I can explain or give an example of my painful anxiety.

I called my husband at work, very breathless telling him the best I could how I felt and asking him am I going to feel better, do I sound like this everyday?
Because I have my period he said you seem to suffer more during this time and that I will feel better,  in more control etc.
To be completely honest I took my anxiety medication and it did help.

My thoughts are spinning. I went to the dentist this week, I made it, I was proud of myself but you would think I was having open heart surgery!

 Then this morning I was thinking.........more thinking and realized I loathe myself. I wont go to local stores because of my fear of seeing someone from my past.
I feel ugly, can't look at them in the eye, what to run, hide. Is this insecurity or do I have myself as an ugly monster that isn't worthy of existing.
What the heck is this all about? Why do I do this to myself?

Ami, so so sorry I must sound selfish. I could feel your pain, yours is in your stomach and mine is my chest, I can feel it with you though, know what I mean?
I was so sad the other day because I don't have any friends, yet I don't want any.
My husband is my best friend and so patient, gosh I would of run for the hills having to deal with me. He is my soul mate, angel and I should be so thankful for what I have.
One of my N's mention all the friends she has, well that includes registry cashiers, insurance company office, city hall office, the guy that opened the door for her at CVS! etc....not kidding.

Oh my gosh I am being so real right now, it scares the hell out of me.
Maybe I feel like I'm suppose to have a list a mile long to look normal?  

I asked my oldest daughter the night, "do you wake up believing you deserve to have a great day and good things happen to you?" She said, "YES"

I don't.

She's healthy, thanking God with my whole heart.

I have more to shed. I also am a closet smoker. I hate it, I hate myself, my secret, dirty secret about myself.      

I have know idea why now, why you are so brave, why so many times your words and feeling are such a connection and release.

(((((((hugs if I understand a little of your pain)))))))

love you! seasons, who is gonna have a panic attack after I hit post. As I know I am unclear, not focused and probably give you a headache trying to read this.

[river]

Yes, relate to all of the above.. well, except the stomach part, my eating anatomy seems to be pretty strong, but other physical symptoms hit red alert for me when triggered.  Want to share about that another time. 
the fractured self, I've learnt about ~ has also another term 'impared real self'.   Which means the real self, (the capacity for exploration, creativity, intimacy, competence etc, ) didnt get the encouragement it needed to grow, hence the impairment. 
My life had  been a mission for uncovery, discovery and healing.   I'm in the throes of it, have been most of my life.  It takes me  hours and days to do what others do in a short time, I fight thro fog, destraction, a feeling of being on the recieving end of a malevolence....  - which has elements of truth  where 'the dynamic' is involved. 

[Ami]

I have stomach aches a lot. I know it is emotional. My stomach handles my emotions for me. When I feel afraid in any way,I get a stomach ache.
 I notice that if I feel close to someone(intimacy), I will get a stomach ache. This can be to anyone--male or female.
 If I am afraid someone will be angry, I get a stomach ache too and I always afraid of anger.
 Just writing this is giving me a stomach ache . Sometimes, I wish I could go in to another person's body and assume their identity 
 I find any change very hard--changing myself,going new places, any change --really.

I can't believe I am reading this.

This morning I woke up in such panic from being afraid. My heart beats very fast, like if a Dr. just told me I had a terminal illness and I want to run or am afraid for my life.
Then I feel guilty for having this analogy because it is not my reality but my extensive fears and that is the only way I can explain or give an example of my painful anxiety.

I called my husband at work, very breathless telling him the best I could how I felt and asking him am I going to feel better, do I sound like this everyday?
Because I have my period he said you seem to suffer more during this time and that I will feel better,  in more control etc.
To be completely honest I took my anxiety medication and it did help.

My thoughts are spinning. I went to the dentist this week, I made it, I was proud of myself but you would think I was having open heart surgery!

 Then this morning I was thinking.........more thinking and realized I loathe myself. I wont go to local stores because of my fear of seeing someone from my past.
I feel ugly, can't look at them in the eye, what to run, hide. Is this insecurity or do I have myself as an ugly monster that isn't worthy of existing.
What the heck is this all about? Why do I do this to myself?

Ami, so so sorry I must sound selfish. I could feel your pain, yours is in your stomach and mine is my chest, I can feel it with you though, know what I mean?
I was so sad the other day because I don't have any friends, yet I don't want any.
My husband is my best friend and so patient, gosh I would of run for the hills having to deal with me. He is my soul mate, angel and I should be so thankful for what I have.
One of my N's mention all the friends she has, well that includes registry cashiers, insurance company office, city hall office, the guy that opened the door for her at CVS! etc....not kidding.

Oh my gosh I am being so real right now, it scares the hell out of me.
Maybe I feel like I'm suppose to have a list a mile long to look normal? 

I asked my oldest daughter the night, "do you wake up believing you deserve to have a great day and good things happen to you?" She said, "YES"

I don't.

She's healthy, thanking God with my whole heart.

I have more to shed. I also am a closet smoker. I hate it, I hate myself, my secret, dirty secret about myself.       

I have know idea why now, why you are so brave, why so many times your words and feeling are such a connection and release.

(((((((hugs if I understand a little of your pain)))))))

love you! seasons, who is gonna have a panic attack after I hit post. As I know I am unclear, not focused and probably give you a headache trying to read this.

Dear (((Seasons)))
  My heart SANG when I read your post cuz I am so glad you shared those deep,painful things. I had to laugh at the dentist thing.
  I am so glad I shared this topic . I felt stupid doing it but I am desperate to get better as many of us are!  x o x o Ami

[Ami]

I have a stomach ache right now thinking about all this!!!!!!!!!!   I am so glad people are responding to this post. x o x o Ami

[swimmer]

Yes Ami I get it.... The nerve to have a self!!  I remember my NM saying to me once after I had an idea she didn't agree with.  Who do you think you are, you think you can just DO that.  Well I can say now, YES we (survivors of N patents) can!!!!

My toddler thinks she can do things all the time, normal development of self, healthy:)

EVERY person has the fundamental right to have a self.  Anyone who violates this knowingly or repeatedly is trash.  If a narcissist can treat me like trash, I can IGNORE them.  Life has too much joy too offer, and yes.... daughters of narcissists especially deserve this after years of "service". 

& Seasons... What a Gift to hear your daughter say that, so proud you must be!!

Swimmer

[Ami]

I love you guys. You are the best!  x o x o  Ami