Wave of Depression

[Ami]

When you SEE your old useless patterns and how you tortured yourself for nothing---do you get a huge wave of depression coming over you like a tidal wave?
 I guess the question answers itself but I would love some words from my friends on here if you feel so inclined.     x o x o  Ami

[Nonameanymore]

Hi Ami,

I guess you're right on money - I think I get more depressed with thiings that have happened in the past and how I dealt with them, rather than things I am dealing with now. The irony of all times.
But I think it's a human condition - you cannot know you're torturing yourself until something has passed, right? Most of the times when you are inside a certain situation, you cannot see the wood for the trees (hope I am using the expression in the right way).

What I am saying is, just think that you did the best you could given the circumstances.

I hope you'll feel better soon
P xxx

[Ami]

((((P)))) Feel better, already, P that I am not alone!    Thanks    Ami

[Ales2]

yeah, the wave of depression I frequently get is when someone looks at my resume, my past is all there. I can try to move forward, do good career development type things and its not like a have a bad work history - it just doesn't scream leadership and success like I worked toward, I kept getting abusive bosses in small companies that have been my downfall.

The other wave I get is around PMS time, I've been so cautious all my life to avoid getting pregnant when I really wanted a family.....I really have alot of regrets and resentment here...

[Meh]

That is how I felt during times when I believe I was becoming "healthier" or changing to a different mode of being. In the midst of it I did not have the perspective to see how much I was losing.

I especially felt that way when I was starting to take good care of myself and love myself.

I'm not there anymore though, at that place where I take good care of myself and love myself. I thought that I would reach that point and then keep on moving forward in a positive trajectory . Instead its more of a few steps forward, a few steps backwards.

Anyways, I think what you are describing may be a positive sign.

I think it is like someone who is addicted to cigarettes and have stopped, they look back and feel bad for the unhealthy habits.

[Ami]

You guys are the BEST.
Thank you (((((Ales,P, and Helen))))  x o x o  ami

[swimmer]

I hope you're still feeling better Ami:). I agree here, at least I think I understand.  Sometimes when I go through some personal growth, I can actually see a contrast of how I let things get, because there is actually an experience to compare it with.  The minute I make a simple mistake I feel like a failure.  I have to be careful to recognize other things going on, like if I'm taking care of myself....  I have to almost block out my foible, focus on self care so I don't unknowingly sabotage my hard work. 

I hope this makes sense.  Thanks for sharing, good reminder as I'm going through some of this now.

Swimmer

[bearwithme]

Gosh Ami, you are so not alone!!

I get those waves but not like as in depression per se, more like embarrassment for my past actions in dealing with weakness and no self-esteem whatsoever.  I did some really immature things even into my 30's and now I  think, my gosh how I was so weak and literally allowed people to stomp all over me and went back for more!  I used to be so insecure that my actions came out backwards as selfishness (I'm embarrassed about that part).  Sometimes I look back and feel somewhat uncomfortable and it tires me out.  While I was in therapy, I would look back at my past actions and hate the person that I was but learned (ever so slowly) to love her and respect her and give her the time she needed to heal.  I had to consciously make the effort to hold her hand and say "it's okay, Bear, I love you and I forgive you, you survived hell..."

I still struggle with insecurities but now I know about Nism and it has opened so many locked doors for me.

(((Ami)))))

Bear

[Ami]

(((((Swimmer, Bear)))))    x o x o   Ami

[Portia]

Hi Ami
When you SEE your old useless patterns and how you tortured yourself for nothing---do you get a huge wave of depression coming over you like a tidal wave?

No, not a tidal wave, just a few moments of looking into a chasm and thinking, what a waste of time - not that time can be wasted. Just a sense of loss I guess, not depression. Easy to shake off, easy not to identify with my time-line as being 'me'. Our stories can sometimes be chains I think.

These days mostly I just get tired and I feel older, weary. I feel like I could reply on other threads today, but what for? Just ordinary human stuff.

[gratitude28]

Ami,
I think when I see those patterns, if I have laid them to rest, I am OK with them, because they got me where I am now. That is not you. That is what you knew to do. Let them go now.
Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

What a great analogy Helen!!!!!!

[Ami]

((((Portia, Beth)))
 I am feeling a little bit removed from all this "stuff"--the distortions about my value, My M's perfectionism, my having to be all Bad so she could be all good.
 A little distance is a lot in this walk.
 My F is very trite and  says trite  sayings. His favorite one applies here--How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
 It tastes terrible but "What the hey?"      x o x o    Ami

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Ha, Ami, I have heard your father's saying before, but I can trump that with my own daddy's saying, "You can get used to anything, even eating a little cow manure for breakfast!" And that's what we all did as children, didn't we? Got used to something that should have been distasteful.

I know what you mean about how you feel about your past ways of coping. It sounds like you are experiencing regret ... is that what you mean by "waves of depression"? If so, I think it's OK to have sadness for what might have been ... but I also believe that this earthly life is a gift for us to "grow a soul" for eternity ... so in the big picture, I believe that a few decades someday won't matter at all to us. And maybe there are aspects to your soul that grew during those years you weren't coping well, in ways you aren't aware of now ... is that possible?

[Ami]

(((HOP)))
Yes, I am  Jewish person who found Jesus so you can imagine what kind of road I was on to make a surrender like that. I would not take anything back in that way  but for my actual life, I would take tons back lol. 
Thanks for your sweet and loving response!  x o x o  Ami