CoN dad as bad as NM

[gratitude28]

After my recent visit, I have decided that, unfortunately, my father has become no nicer than my NM. He knows better, though, so has 'excuses' for his behavior. He is a bitter man who has no need for anything besides his hobbies and money to fund them. He actually told me he does not talk to my kids because, "He doesn't know what interests them." He doesn't hold my nephew. He has no real interest anymore.
I think a lot of my parents failings come from what PennyPlant pointed out long ago - laziness. Dad expected NM, who was not working, to take care of the kid stuff. NM had no interest. Thus we were allowed to fend for ourselves (buy the kids a toy and they should be responsible for entertaining themselves). He pretends it was his job to work and hers to clean/take care of us. Speaking of cleaning - their house is absolutely disgusting at this point. It smells so bad your eyes well. There is a path through each room - barely - through all the junk and dirt. It is beyond filthy.
So, while I am grateful my father defended me some during my childhood, I am pretty much done with him, too, at this point. They are both selfish, excuse-making, mean people.
Beth

[Ami]

At least, your F defended you. Mine stood by like a potted plant BUT their basic nature is the same---weanies.
It is really hard to see, Beth! I know it is very painful!      x o x Ami

[JustKathy]

He actually told me he does not talk to my kids because, "He doesn't know what interests them."

Hi Gratitude. It took me almost 40 years, but I've finally started to see the truth about my father, and there are quite a few similarities to what you have posted.

I made excuses for my dad my entire life, thinking that he loved me, but that he was brainwashed and couldn't do any better. Like your father, he did defend me somewhat, but the attempts were very weak, and limited by his loyalty to M. When I left home, and was living in poverty, he would come visit me to see if I was okay, but wouldn't give me any money for food, not even a ten dollar bill from his wallet, because M had told him not to.

I find your quote above very interesting. Ever since I got married, whenever F would call, he was only interested in speaking to my husband. Before I went NC with my mother, Christmas visits were the same way. He wanted to talk "guy talk" with my husband, but had nothing to say to my sister or myself. I really believe that he had NO idea how to talk to his daughters . . . knew nothing about our jobs, our lives, our interests. We were just girls. His son, the GC, was everything to him.

I'm now NC with my dad, and interestingly, it was my husband who finally told him him to stop calling. When F would call, he NEVER asked to speak to me, just wanted to talk to hubby. So hubby finally told him that he wasn't comfortable making small talk with someone who had hurt his wife. My father didn't get it. I don't think he ever felt a responsibility to get to know his daughters. The male heir was all that mattered.

[gratitude28]

Amy,
Thank you. When I think about the fact that my dad defended me, I realize it was only in instances where it was painfully obvious my NM was off her rocker.
Kathy and Amy,
I think that somehow once that CoN has bought into the whole situation, they will do anything to make it seem right and acceptable. At the same time my father is neat and clean in his tiny areas of the home, he pretends he does not wallow in filth at the rest of the house. He pretends it's normal that people stop liking you because you are mean and self-centered (it's their fault - he somehow turns it around). He does not look to make friends or feel comfortable anywhere (everyone 'treats him badly'). Instead of losing weight and being healthy, he won't fly, because everyone on planes are assholes. He won't go to the movie theater because the films "always break." (He went twice in his life that this happened). He hates people who do exersize. He hates people who work in nice stores. The list is endless... and it is all people who make him unconfortable... the truth being that he KNOWS his life is not normal, but won't really admit it or help himself in any way.
Yes, Kathy, my dad bonds with my husband. He also talks with me a lot about animals and other subjects he knows endless facts about. He also works with children a lot and used to seem to enjoy mine. Lately he seems to have given up even on that, and retired into his sick shell. And I realize that he did this all through school with me too. Neither one ever really listened to me or cared about what I said. They only feel they are there to 'instruct.' They do the same with my children now. They expect them to listen to their grandparents and revere them, but act like they are annoying.
I am fairly immune lately - my life is very good and I am happy. Putting all this in persepctive has really freed me and allowed me to just... be.
xxxoooo thanks guys

Beth