Another layer of the onion

[Gabben]

The more determined I am to break free the more dysfunctional I become.  and then POP - a realization breaks through - I am dealing with yet another layer of the onion. I have a wound, deeply embedded from long ago that wants to break out.  And then I know what all this dysfunction is about.

GS - you are an angel for me today. When I read your post above I felt that I could have written the very same thing...then I read on to what you say below...

It is in the writing here that the name of this layer will become clear.  For now I can only see it hazily and know that it has to do with being responsible for everyone else even while (as a child) noone was responsible for me. (And hidden in that parental responsibility was caring.  In others words noone (neither mother nor father) cared about me except in regards to what my existence did to benefit them.

Just yesterday I felt exhausted and unwilling to show up for the needs of others, to follow through with my commitments as I normally do because I am a responsible person. But in moment I saw that I carry the weight of responsibility of the needs of others as if  I am God, as if if I am not there to meet others needs then they will fall apart.

What you wrote helped to give me some clarity around the other part of this that I could not see, the fact that as a child, emotionally, no one was ever really there for me in my dark agony of abuse - to validate or really help me through the emotional needs and struggles that as children we have and that I, coming from a very dysfunctional home, had no one to care about my emotional needs, to be a sort of strong arm for me when I am in need, especially emotional needs. That mirrors my life today, mostly it is just myself who goes through all the pains, alone and with no shoulder to cry on, to really just cast my burdens on, instead I carry the weight of others burdens and my own.

This is a very, very deep pain.

I hope that it helps to know that I am right there with you, in a deep place of memory and pain. For me I am wanting to get back, small desires for revenge, mostly to show others how wrong they are, and were.

((((GS))))

[Gaining Strength]

Yes Heart of Pilgrimage you have described the insidious double-bind imposed on many offspring of Ns.  Those double binds are the proverbial string that binds the elephant.  Their roots are so deep and so very difficult to expunge.  

Thank you for sharing.  Your experience serves as a confirmation to me.  It is empowering to know that I am not alone.

[Gaining Strength]

Oh Gabben I am so thankful for the comments that have been posted here.  They are like manna from heaven.  They feed me, nourish me on my journey of healing.  

It is so comforting and powerful to know that I am not alone, that others somewhere understand what I am speaking of, have experienced some of what I have experienced.  What a gift to be in communication with others who know what it is to suffer in a like manner and who long to be made whole.

Your words shine a light anew and from a different angle and help me see some of my own words and experiences in a different light.  Writing about our experiences and seeing them made concrete in words and confirmed, acknowledged, shared by others transforms these wounds into something concrete that can then be dismantled, reshaped, rendered impotent.

Shining a light on this torment is not the full solution, is not the end all healing but it is a necessary step on the journey.  And it gives me hope.

This paragraph is huge:

What you wrote helped to give me some clarity around the other part of this that I could not see, the fact that as a child, emotionally, no one was ever really there for me in my dark agony of abuse - to validate or really help me through the emotional needs and struggles that as children we have and that I, coming from a very dysfunctional home, had no one to care about my emotional needs, to be a sort of strong arm for me when I am in need, especially emotional needs. That mirrors my life today, mostly it is just myself who goes through all the pains, alone and with no shoulder to cry on, to really just cast my burdens on, instead I carry the weight of others burdens and my own.

A new friend of mine reads voraciously.  One of the books that she put before me is Whose Got Your Back http://books.google.com/books?id=UYySDcOl88EC&printsec=frontcover&dq=who's+got+your+back&source=bl&ots=GIAorX6Y9z&sig=Ad_sC2OA1ThaFclj8z0Mhf99JHU&hl=en&ei=MSeRS_utN8WVtgfMgaGyCw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=2&ved=0CBQQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=&f=false  I have thought about this and thought about this and thought about this.  Without a family , without having grown up in an environment in which parents, siblings have each other's back the world becomes a very dangerous place.  The resulting and deep damage is debilitating.  But as I focus on that piece, I gain understanding about why I have harbored these disfunctions and that helps me move along the way toward healing.

You write that it is mostly just yourself who goes through all the pains and instead of having a shoulder to cry you you actually take on OTHERS pains.  Based on my experience I suspect we do that because that is the role we played as children.  I urge you to keep writing about this, keep thinking about it, keep looking for ways in which you do this.  Notice it.  Shine your light on it!!!  We can change it.  We can observe and then notice and then shift out from under other's burdens which we, out of ingrained duty, take on other's burdens without EVER having our own needs and pains shared.  The more we shine our light on it and talk about it the more we become able and willing to shift away from taking on others burdens and then the ultimate shift is to find others who will SHARE burdens with each other.  It is a trail and error process and there are painful , painful trials in this life giving shift.

I hope you will keep writing and sharing.  We deserve to move out of the self-destructive behavior those people forced us into so long ago.  We can do it.  I am willing to share burdens here.  Thank you, thank you for your powerful post.

I hope that it helps to know that I am right there with you, in a deep place of memory and pain

Does it ever!

For me I am wanting to get back, small desires for revenge, mostly to show others how wrong they are, and were.

Of course you do!!! I have a suggestion.  I find that there is huge engergy behind "revenge".  I also have found by expereience that revenge oftne is damaging to me as well as the person I exact it on.  I have found that I can actually use that revenge energy to improve my lot rather than exacting a pound of blood.    When I take that same energy and apply it to something that moves me forward the revenge is remarkably sweet, but very different from what I long to do when the thought first emerges. - Just a thought.  Take Care.

[Gaining Strength]

shaming, humiliation and rejection were tied together to hope and longing in my childhood.

Tapping (EFT) this morning is saw how my child's heart has been conflated with adult reasoning and these two have worked together to bar me from my healing. My child's heart needed to be included among the family in order to receive food and clothing and shelter but it was the emotional nourishment, embellishment and protection that was absent in my childhood.  In order to get what I needed to survive, I had to endure humiliation, rejection and shaming.  It was done in was that were explained away and in which I was held responsible for my parents actions towards me so that the excruciating pain that I experienced as a child came at the hands of my parents whose actions are minimized in my rational mind as an adult. 

Being humiliated and put down and laughed at WAS acceptance in my family of origin.  It was the price I paid to be included.
My simmering angry reaction to the humiliation was their "proof" that I was an ungreatful child who didn't deserve what they provided.

Longing and belonging were ALWAYS punished with humiliation and belittlement.  This cycle goes to very basic things in my life today - even as I begin to write them out here I realize that the pain attached to them is too great to share here.  I have more work to do in healing in this area before i can share.

[Gaining Strength]

I know I am in the right place but part of the pain in this healing is the loneliness that comes from rejection.  Even while I know that staying with the pain is part of the porcess necessary for healing, none-the-less the pain is so extreme, the need to connect so compelling.

The tool used over and over was humiliation which has rejection incorporated into it.  Connecting is a part of human survival.  The stories of the profound horror of isolation punishment for prisoners helps me understand that.  The state of humiliation was a requirement for me to be present with my family.  As long as I "ehld" their h, longing to be released, to be allowed my seat at the table.  Waiting for that acceptance to come from without, to come from those people who imposed that crown of humiliation in the first place to at long last release me from it.

While in a state of humiliation I was allowed to be present among them.  When I was fancy free and happy and dreaming dreams of future and accomplishment and joy then I experienced a harsh rejection, humiliation and banishment.  I had to hold the humiliation in order to be allowed to be present.  It was a sort of Cinderella existance - as long as I was in a servile, lower than role - I was both needed and rejected; it was the only way to be included.  As an adult I have sustained that role - humiliation - dreaming of soaring and excelling but paying the price of such dreams with humiliation and rejection.  That is the catch - that humiliation is both rejection and isolation to me but also the polar opposite - it is the only way to be connected.

Humiliation is both my home, (my comfort zone) and my prison. So I have stayed in a state of humiliation.

[sKePTiKal]

"Who's Got Your Back?"

Well - you do, for one. And, of course, the "amazons" here, including me. And perhaps, also - the new friends you are making.

The thing is, the "yardstick" is wacky and distorted... so instead of looking at how you don't "fit" on that yardstick maybe it's time to try looking at "you" as if you were a new person that you're meeting and getting to know. How does that person "measure up" on the bigger, more experienced, more educated (internal; personal) yardstick that you've developed over time?

What happens if you try to assess that 3rd person "you" - without ANY comparison to anyone else? In isolation from shoulds, coulds & oughtas?

Just an idea to try...

I've missed you!

[sKePTiKal]

Sweetie,

I guess what I'm saying is, it's not fair to yourself to always see yourself/value yourself within the context of your FOO.

They aren't the only people in the world; and being humans - don't have any special "knowing" about you (even if they can't admit that) - so there's no target of "failure" that you are in danger of living down to.

YOU get to design the yardstick and the measurement system on it.

[Hopalong]

GS, hon:

A very serious question:

What happens when you start to reject them?

(Within yourself. I'm not talking about confrontations.)

What happens when you begin to reject them, to eject them from your own value system?

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Hops and PR.

Hops that is a great question.  It is definitely time to reject the stuff they put on me.  I am finding ways to do that.  This process is much like the one I went through when I was dealing with that huge layer of shame.  I am so thankful to finally arrived at this "stuff."  I definitely reject what I took on.  While I don't want to exactly reject "them" because I don't want to have that negative energy.

While I was doing yoga today I sort of got a sense of how to do this.  let me explain.  The regular instructor was not there.  I was so disappointed and was irritated by the person who was there.  Nothing to do with her - all me.  But I decided to focus on changing my attitude towards her.  It was a back and forth battle - I found that I was much more comforatable in the position of being irritated and then I got the great insight of how meditation allows me to "observe" the situation that I am in without getting enmeshed in my own emotional reaction.  BINGO.  I immediately started using that with painful memories.  It will take work but I know this will bring me through them.  So I will definitely reject the way I felt left out and rejected.  And I will , with practise, bring that experience forward into my present life.

This sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo but I know what it means.  It actually means something to me and I am pretty sure that it will work.

[Gaining Strength]

OOh - yes - I do have my back and these Amazons here and my new friend as well yes indeed.

It is also helpful to see that FOO did not, does not.  That is a normal expectation and a difficult acceptance.

Hew boy - that "yardstick" is distored indeed.  I like the idea of measuring myself by my own standards rather than in comparison but I definitely have to break this *(^%# paralysis to have access to the me that would be worth comparing myself to.

I am definitely trying to break that FOO context.  My goal is to bring into consciousness aspects that have bound me so that I might begin to cut the binds and step into me own being.  That is my goal.

[sKePTiKal]

You said it yourself. You gave yourself the key to unlocking the prison door, GS.

I found that I was much more comforatable in the position of being irritated and then I got the great insight of how meditation allows me to "observe" the situation that I am in without getting enmeshed in my own emotional reaction.  BINGO.

BINGO INDEED!

Being able to observe what's going on in oneself is an extremely valuable tool. It doesn't deny the emotional reaction, dismiss or discount it, or even throttle back the intensity of it. Observing it, does enable you to sort of hit the pause button long enough before you "get swept away" into the emotional bunny-trails that spiral down the old worn patterns. Instead of being controlled by the emotional flooding... helpless... you are able to separate from it long enough to be able to see all the other options you have.

Granted, some days you will find, you are able to do this better than others. What helps me stay on the "better than other days" side, is trying to identify and meet my inner/outer "needs". It's not always possible - but I don't beat myself up about it anymore - and even that much is liberating.

Doing the happy dance for you! You have the "keys to the kingdom" now. The rest is just dealing with the details & practice, kiddo.

[Gaining Strength]

My strategy for healing is to bring the unconscious binds into the light and to shift my emotional energy around them. 

I am optomistic today.  I recall from previous healing periods that this is just part of the up and down process.  I am thankful for this day of hopefulness.

Bringing the wounds and binding scar tissue from my childhood into the light is not easy but I recognize that emotional binds and blips that I experience in the present are often triggered by neural connections to past memories.  So I am using these as markers to show where I should dig deep. 

One thing I hope I can do is to pick a spot and stick with it rather than flitting from marker to marker.  I want to make progress in any one specific area before progressing to the next.

Some of the areas for work are 1) diet; 2) exercise; 3) meals and kitchen cleaning; 4) laundry and wardrobe; 5) yard and garden; 6) housekeeping; and 7)finances and legal issues (in no particular order.

[Gaining Strength]

The rest is just dealing with the details & practice

That's exactly what I was thinking PR.  Thank you so much for the confirmation.

I am practising that separation in my dreams.  Because I believe in neuroplasticity I believe that these thought exercises will lead to external changes.  I have complete confidence in that and find the ability to "see" the emotional shifts as something well within my grasp. 

I do believe I am on my way.  I am thankful for this hope.

[Gaining Strength]

Something else that came to mind this morning - because belonging is so critical to me (and all humans) I have, from my earliest days, compromised who i am in order to connect.  I am beginning to get a sense of who I am and beginning to find my own voice.  It is something like haveing wobbly legs after years of no use.

[Gaining Strength]

I am finding that the fears are stacked upon the fears, concatenated, one flowing into the other, difficult to identify as discreet intities of their own.  But each fear has its own antidote.

Today - after years of working towards this, I identify "anticipatory" fear as the one most responsible for my paralysis. There is another fear which I could tag "motivator" which is the adrenalaline rush, fight or flight fear that comes with harsh penalties.  Underneath both of these is a fear of rejection/isolation.  This fear is tied to the basic insticnt of survival.  Survival became enmeshed in a gauntlet of shame and humiliation which I had to walk.  The emotional, neural pathways of this are still in place. I am using Schwartz's four steps and EFT to rewire my automatic neural responses.  This knowledge had provided me with my way out.

Back to the fears.  There is an over lay of a complex entangled web of fears of failure and rejection and unworthiness and not-goog-enough that has roots in the past and seems to completely shade the future.  In time when I make headway with this I will work on the fear of rejection/isolation - the "survival" fear.  I hope that hte enmeshed web will collapse in on itself when the legs of the table on which it rests collapse.  Otherwhise it will be a slow, meticulous and laborious task.

Today I am concentrating on the anticipatory fear.