Question---Reality Check???

[Ami]

I want to ask my friends here a question.
I want to describe an incident and ask you if it was THAT bad.
I see that I have become such a blank that I dismiss abuse as not that bad i.e minimization.
 I did this  in order to survive.

[Ami]

Here is the incident.

I was flying back from my home to college. I was afraid to fly as everyone in my family is. I asked my M if she wanted me to call her when I got there.
  She said,"I'll hear if the plane crashes."
 Then, I had to walk down the ramp and get on.
 Seriously, is this that bad?
 I know people have been beaten and burned--even on here.
 I feel like a baby making a big deal about this BUT all these things eroded me so badly even though they are not being beaten etc.

 I am remembering this as I realize HOW hard it is for me to meet my own needs. I feel GUILTY and SELFISH.

I asked my M about this incident recently. She admitted she was angry I was going to college and leaving HER. I was surprised she admitted it. She is a therapist ,after all LOL. Excuse my bitterness!

Anyway, I see from this how she PUNISHED me any time I wanted to be independent.
 
I am still living it all. now.           Ami

[Gabben]

I feel like a baby making a big deal about this BUT all these things eroded me so badly even though they are not being beaten etc.

Hi Ami the word "eroded" really stuck out for me here. Your mom seemed to be a very fear based person, your love needs were rarely met, her fears did erode your emotional life/needs this inturn make it hard for us to get our own needs met as well as to even identify them.

I know for me that I had to be my mom's mom, on the constant look out for her needs, staying clear of my own needs so that she could live and be the center of attention.

Perhaps your mom, in her dependency on you to met her emotional needs of affirmation or validation, in whatever forms she sought, was feeling the codependent loss, the deprivation of her needs because you were not there anymore, she was in resentment. Then this may creates fear and guilt for you, sort of like the guilt you expressed here for even having to write about something that for you seemed trivial in terms of abuse but it is not trivial. That is how your mom treated your emotional needs, as trivial, compared to hers.

Love,
Lise

[Ami]

Thanks ((((CB))) and (((Lise)))
That was very validating!  I feel a depression come over me any time I want or need anything. I am noticing it. Then, I  thought of this incident. I could never have the least sense of independence or pride in myself or I was cut down to the quick by that monster---forgive me--mother    LOL     Ami

[Gaining Strength]

hello Ami.  It is that bad because the pain is still alive in you.  The pain is what makes it "that" bad.

Let me try to explain what I mean by this little story.  My 3rd grader is dealing with playground issues.  Children say and do things to him and says and oes things to others.  One day he was telling me about one of those incidents in which he felt that the other child was over reacting.  He was comparing this child's reaction to another child who did not react.  But I made this point to him - bullying is not about the action but about the reaction.  In other words, if teasing is funny to one child then he/she is not bullied but if the same words cuts like a knife in someone else then the act is bullying and the key is to be sensitive to the recipient.  When a mother inflicts pain, even IF unintended, she would experience and demonstrate remorse when confronted if she were loving.  The very fact that you "knew" that you could not tell her how painful that statement was is a strong indicator that she was NOT available to you.  That IS a mother's responsibility.  She did (does) fail you on that and that makes it THAT bad.

I pray you might find some healing for this significant pain. - yours - GS

[Ami]

Yes, GS, I was like a giant shock absorber. Now, I have a hard time eating cuz my stomach was absorbing all this.      Ami

[river]

Its interesting for me to read this at this time.  I'm in conflict with a T. 
I am thinking, this is alot about context.  I can imagine in a really badly misattuned moment saying that myself, meaning, I have total confidence, you'll be fine, ... no need to contact me etc.  ......... and then realize ~ ouch!  what a terrible way to express that, and kick myself, have a shame attack, or whatever. 

But in this situation, in the context of an N history, ... as well as fear of flying, well, its a bit different.   And then, your m.  admitted she was angry, so it validated your original feeling.  I think it could be seen as just a rather cavalier thing to say, but once we've been affected by an N. were sensitized, and theres not much room for grotty accidents and murky mixed motives. 

My conflict with T is that he has said things in a certain way .... every time I bring up a certain subject, and I think he's not with me, he says its my sensitivity.   ... ~~~ belongs in a different post I guess.   

[river]

Yes, GS, I was like a giant shock absorber. Now, I have a hard time eating cuz my stomach was absorbing all this.      Ami

...... this maked me think, and throws light on my reactions to T.   A shock absorber.  I feel the shocks that perhaps others would not feel.  ???   

[Ami]

Get rid of the therapist, River, IME and IMO.
Trust yourself. Actually, if we listen to our guts, we should be in good shape!   x o x o    Ami

[BonesMS]

Here is the incident.

I was flying back from my home to college. I was afraid to fly as everyone in my family is. I asked my M if she wanted me to call her when I got there.
  She said,"I'll hear if the plane crashes."
 Then, I had to walk down the ramp and get on.
 Seriously, is this that bad?
 I know people have been beaten and burned--even on here.
 I feel like a baby making a big deal about this BUT all these things eroded me so badly even though they are not being beaten etc.

 I am remembering this as I realize HOW hard it is for me to meet my own needs. I feel GUILTY and SELFISH.

I asked my M about this incident recently. She admitted she was angry I was going to college and leaving HER. I was surprised she admitted it. She is a therapist ,after all LOL. Excuse my bitterness!

Anyway, I see from this how she PUNISHED me any time I wanted to be independent.
 
I am still living it all. now.           Ami

Hearing how the NWomb-Donor treated you because you DARED leave her ROYAL @#$% makes me think what a total B*TCH she really is!  You have a right to be bitter about the way you were treated!  NO ONE DESERVES THAT!!!!

To share a similar experience regarding a memory that popped up recently.....

As I may have previously mentioned, I was often treated as the family slave.  One day, during a particularly NASTY summer thunder storm, NWomb-Donor ORDERED me to stand by an open window and wash the dishes!  I was terrified of the lightning but being a kid, I had no strength to stand up to her onslaught.  I did ask to wait until the storm passed and got bashed for even asking!  As I was being forced to wash the dishes by the open window, lightning struck the lilac bush directly outside that very window!  Survival instinct took over and I got away from there ASAP!  NWomb-Donor cursed at me with all kinds of names and continued bashing me because I DARED stop washing the dishes!

Fast forward to the past few days when I was attending Storm Spotter training.  What did the trainer bring up?  Emphasizing that during a thunder storm that people STAY AWAY FROM OPEN WINDOWS, PLUMBING, (e.g. washing dishes), and CORDED PHONES because of the danger of a lightning strike!  That's when it occurred to me that NWomb-Donor was DELIBERATELY trying to set me up to get me killed so she could reign SUPREME as the NQUEEN!!!!  What better way to get rid of the one child that she HATED while playing the tragic role and demanding all the attention she wants?  @#$%!

Bones

[JustKathy]

Seriously, is this that bad?

Yes, it is! What a wicked thing to say to a child. Incidents like these are a perfect example of what we were discussing in the thread about the cumulative effect of N abuse. They come at us with little pokes, a sentence here, a sentence there, and over time it erodes away our souls. I think we ask ourselves " Seriously, is this that bad?", because to someone on the outside, it may not seem bad. In a healthy mother-daughter relationship, that line could be said jokingly and be okay. But when it comes from an N mother, who has been doing it to the victimized daughter her entire life, the result is much, much, different.

This reminds me of something my NM said to me years ago. My brother (the GC) was going out with friends, and right in front of me, and a room full of people at her office, she tells him, "Please drive carefully. I don't want anything to happen to you. I have two girls, but you're my only son." I'm sure the office workers thought it was a snarky thing to say, but probably shrugged it off. On it's own, it was nasty, but not abusive. But to me, who had to hear sentences like that on a regular basis, it cut like a knife.

[Meh]

Sometimes interacting with a Nar-parent/Nar-coworker is like an "inside joke" where only some people really "Get it". But it's no joke.

I also think it is accumulative. It is the persistence of it, the over all load. The Nar-load.

Psychological abuse sometimes is hard to see. Because we don't literally put our psyches out on a table where they beat each other up.

[Ami]

I  LOVE you guys!!!!      x o x o  Ami

[Lupita]

Ami, my mother told me that if I died her pain would stop.

Have you noticed that you and I have the word "I" too many times in our posts?

Maybe we are slef centered too mucvh. That is why we suffer so much.
I dont know.

[swimmer]

Ami, yes I agree here as well,  these are horrible things to say to a child.  To have her acknowledge the truth is good, but I understand all too much that burden of a mother NEEDING a daughter.  A mother admitting to a child she is angry for her leaving, is just wrong.  You are not her keeper.  My mother pulled all sorts of stunts to hurt herself and neglect her well being so I would worry about her.  (my father died when I was young, so she knew neglecting her health and hurting herself made me worry I would not have a parent left alive).  Healthy empty nesters get through with friends, distractions and maybe a shrink, but not a daughter   

I was never physically abused, maybe a type of physical neglect in infancy and toddlerhood.  Always emotional abuse and neglect.  The fact that you can relate to other abuse targets is defining in itself.  You have a right to define your boundaries, and nobody knows better if they have been invaded than you.