Author Topic: My boyfriend is a flirt  (Read 10970 times)

CB123

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #60 on: April 02, 2010, 11:15:47 AM »
Hmmm, Lupita,

I dont know if he enjoys playing with your mind.  A whole lot of early romance is that suspense of does he? Doesnt he?  Will she? Wont she?  It makes you crazy, but also produces lots of great brain chemicals.   :)  It is very, very normal for relationships to ebb and flow--a period of closeness follows a period of space.  If you can lean into the ebb and flow and not fight it, it can be very pleasant.  Read A Fine Romance.  It was life changing for me and for each of my kids who are dating. 

While you are looking at whats going on in your relationship, look at the competition issue.  I see a lot of competition in your posts: what his kids are doing vs. what your kids are doing--other women--whether he comes to your house or you go to his.  Some people manage that kind of competition in a love relationship, I cant do it myself.  Sometimes just examining that, and stepping out of that dance will make a big difference. 

Oh, Ami, I dont know about the wisdom part.  I think I just got old.  :?  I am finally to a place where I accept who I am, and I am a big mess in a lot of ways.  Makes me softer around the edges in my romance.  Wish I could have gotten here faster.  I'll bet a lot of other people wish it too.

CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Overcomer

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #61 on: April 02, 2010, 11:36:33 AM »
Lupita:  I have been out of commission for so long.  I am sorry my own health has trumped being a very good friend, listener to those on this board.  My apologies.  I remember when you first met this man.  I remember you being very happy, etc.  What is with us girls.  We fall for a man, or a job or whatever and after the honeymoon period is over we seem to see everything correctly.

You are a wonderful person.  If this man does not treat you well or make you feel good about yourself......if there are red flags.........if he is flirting with other women in front of you..........tell him to hit the road!

Life is too short to put up with the bullshit.
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

lighter

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #62 on: April 02, 2010, 01:42:20 PM »
Oh my goodness, Lupe.

You're asking this man to get rid of his female friends, his male friend, spend less time with his child and exile his ex-wife....... require he spend more time with you and other couples.

What troubles me most is...... you've made this man responsible for your feelings.

That's a lot of responsibility, Lupita.

Esp as nothing he's doing would appear to be "deal-breakers."

I don't like this man has so much control over you.

You appear a little petulent, stomping your foot and demanding, like a 2yo, though I know you must be more dignified, but you seem to always be making demands about who he sees, dances with, talks to and socializes with.

 I can't tell if it's he needs someone to tell him what to do all the time, bc he's so innapropriate, or if you need to state your feelings and sit back and see what he does on his own.

It would be different if he were cheating or contemplating getting back with his ex, but stating a boundary like "I will know you don't want to see me again if you talk to your male friend again" does seem like an overreaction.

I want to say..... where there's smoke there's fire, but....... I'd hate for you to walk away from a guy who's basically a good patient kind person, waiting for you to get over your FOO issues.

((((Lupita))))  Maybe just dance for a while and pay attention to how you feel.

Journal instead of reacting and check yourself in a week or 2.




Lupita

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #63 on: April 02, 2010, 01:44:08 PM »
Thank you all. He has not flirted since two weeks ago. I would like to give him credit for what he is doing. We are not going anywhere tonight. Nor tomorrow. So, that buys me one more week of love. My spring break. Then the following week we have a big tango event, the event of the month. But we already had that this month and he was wonderful that night.

I asked him last night if he wanted to dance with anybody there, he said no. But there was nobody pretty there. Ir Russian girl is around, then he behaves different. But let us see how he behaves next time Russian girl is around. That is going to happen next week on Friday and the following week on Friday and Saturday.

I play service today in church and cannot go out early. I asked him to wait for me so we can go out together and he said we better do not go out at all. Tomorrow he said we are going to the movies. He wanted to go to a tango event two hours from here with a group of friends that I do not like and he accepted, he told the friends because of Easter church service.

So, he is doing some adjustments. I have to give him credit for that. Otherwise I would be dehumanizing him. He is a human being with a heart too. I cannot believe that I am not doing any impression in his heart. I am sure I have to make an impression in his heart.

I wish we can stay together. I really enjoy being with him. I get paranoid when I am not with him. When he is not with me is when I start analyzing everything he does. Then I start finding fault every where.

That si why CB is right that I ahve to stop analizing what he does, and when he is absent I have nmot to worry about him and enjoy. I wish i could control my thoughts.

Hopalong

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #64 on: April 02, 2010, 02:26:39 PM »
Hi Lupe,
Do you have a therapist?

Out-of-control obsessive thoughts can be helped so much with counseling plus Rx.
You're really in a state of very strong anxiety.

Just wondering if you'd considered having the focus on YOU, healing YOUR fear--and figuring out what part of it may be rational, or not--rather than fixating on him all the time.

Intimacy is bringing up PTSD-ish stuff for you.

(And it's a shame your whole social life seems to be constructed around dance. It's going toxic for you, but it's been important to you also. Do you think you can ever make peace with that? Do people tango forever? Can you begin to balance that focus on dance with some completely different activities?)

Could you two do some art project together?

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

CB123

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #65 on: April 02, 2010, 03:05:11 PM »
Lupita,

I have done this kind of thinking too.  It was very very hard.  I said a bunch of stupid things when I was scared of getting too close...or of losing him.  We worked it out, and the obsessive thoughts are gone at this point.  I really dont know what it was about except, like Hops said, maybe PTSD.  It would hit me at night, and by morning I was okay.  If I could keep my mouth shut and work through it on my own, I was fine.  Journalling is everything. 

Give your relationship with him enough healthy space.  Lots of time.  Lots of fun.  No plans until later.  Enjoy the process of getting to know him.  Just enjoy each other. 

We children of N's are so scared....When you get absolutely terrified, try talking to yourself instead of him.  "I'm afraid that the only reason he is happy dancing with me is because the Russian girl isnt here.  She is so pretty.  I dont feel good enough to compete with her.  But I know that's my fear.  There is no competition.  He is here because he enjoys me.  I enjoy him.  I am going to enjoy every second of this evening and not let my fears ruin that."  I had to do this a whole lot.  Its much easier now.

Just remember that you arent the only one who is afraid.  He has his own wounds and fear and he is going to do stupid things that are self protective.  Those things are not designed to hurt you, but they will because self protective behavior is often painful to other people.  The only way either of you are going to relx with each other is to feel safe, and the only way to feel safe is, among other things, allow lots of time to get to know each other.

Love CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Ami

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Re: My boyfriend is a flirt
« Reply #66 on: April 03, 2010, 07:08:12 AM »
I agree with CB about the dance between intimacy and distance.
You HAVE to be able to deal with it when distance comes---even if you bite your nails and sit by the phone.
It is the ebb and flow of relationships like the tide.
WE---with N damage have terrible abandonment issues which make this very,very hard.
 We feel the terror of our lives  with the NM all over again.

Keep writing Lupita.
We, on here, are better than anyone to understand this stuff!                          Ami


PS I am gonna start a thread when I get the nerve about my new love. You guys will not believe it.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2010, 08:10:29 AM by Ami »
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung