Ns attract those with low self-esteem

[gratitude28]

My dad is extrememly intelligent, gifted at his job and well liked. He married an N; however, and she has reinforced throughout his life his insecurities. She has always let him know he is overweight (Gee, I think that woman likes you even though you are heavy), his position (He is not a Doctor, so regardless of the fact he is accomplished and makes a good living, he will never be 'important'), and his fear of being looked down upon (That person didn't come to help you in the store right away. What a bitch. Does she think you are poor?). She has helped turn him into a bitter man. He rarely does anything he enjoys out of fear of being laughed at (i.e., swimming at the beach, any physical exersize). So now my dad lets her buy and ridiculous thing she wants in an effort to prove he finally has enough money. She makes sure everything is 'even' - if my dad gets to fish for three days with his relatives, she has to do something extravagant for three days.
I get very irritated with my dad for being so bitter and not working on his life. But he is the son of an alcoholic N and and the husband of a malicious N. Why can he not see this?

[Twoapenny]

Hi G,

That's a very good question!  Out of my three sisters, myself and my older sis have 'seen the light' and have no contact with anyone else.  My two younger sisters (both in their thirties so I don't mean teenagers) are still very enmeshed and think I am vile and that I've brainwashed my older sister into doing whatever I want.  I have often wondered why two of us escaped and the other two have not only stayed put but also buy in to the whole set up and vigorously defend both parents.  I don't have the answer, though!

[Sealynx]

Hi G,
My father was raised by a very mean self-centered man who was probably an N. My dad engaged in N behaviors but would usually realize his mistakes and you could get an apology from him. With a different wife, he might have grown a great deal in this life. He was used to taking orders and doing what he "should". N's have a big list of "shoulds" don't they? It was a perfect fit in that respect.

I saw the kind of dynamics you mentioned and it is sad. In my case my mother was much smarter than my father. He was good looking. That is why she married him. He looked a lot like the actor Montgomery Cliff in his youth. I think he believed, like many people do that one day she would be satisfied. Then he resigned himself to her behavior and did what he wanted behind her back which usually meant making investments that were unwise. It was like he was a rebellious kid. Then he became too old to care and lived out a life, I believe was shortened by her constant demands, in a back room of the house talking to people on his computer.

They were so enmeshed trying to please or control each other that we were not even on the radar. I think he regretted not developing a loving relationship with his kids after his first heart attack told him he wasn't immortal. It was too late. He was virtual stranger to us and like us, a man who had never been allowed to learn from mistakes, only suffer an N's angry words. He spend all of his free time away from home starting or volunteering with various organizations where people looked up to him.

So his need to play by the "rules" attracted him to someone who made lots of them. His need to please kept him prisoner. And like many of us he felt unsure of himself and befuddled until he had wasted so much of his life that leaving was more trouble than it was worth and probably not something he could afford.

My experience has been that N families are essentially closed family systems which as mentioned are enmeshed. The odd man or woman out is always punished with exclusion of some sort. This doesn't just happen with N's. Families that have an alcoholic or other type of mentally ill person often adopt a similar pattern of interaction.

[gratitude28]

It is so funny that you mention rules... my dad takes rules to the EXTREME. I definitely am a rule follower - but when they make sense. Last week, I took my dad to a park. There was not a soul in the park besides us and a few men who were working construction. My dad actually wanted to ask them if it was OK to park in a certain area... even though there were no other cars. I mean, what was the worst thing that could have happened? They would have asked him to move? But he seems to think he is breaking a law and being immortally wrong for the smallest things.
My dad has had a sadness since he was 30... I can remember him saying that's when he realized "he would never go further." I wonder if that's when he realized he doomed himself to his strange life with NM? I am 40, and Ifeel I still have so many things to do and learn. I feel I could fill life times. He seems to be "done." It's all so sad...

[gratitude28]

Two,
My sister was the GC and it has taken her having a child to see what NM is. She is still in the 'shell-shocked' stage. I think with a child, you don't pick having an N... you are forced into the situation. I am so glad we have begun to understand and move forward.
Love,
Beth