Daughter devastated by NGrandparent

[gratitude28]

My daughter is 9. She is extremely perceptive, and also extremely kind and good natured. This last extended visit with my parents allowed her to see what my NM is... and she is crushed. She wants to know why Grandma doesn't like kids, why she is so mean, why she doesn't care about anyone. She never wants to see her again, but loves my dad, who always thinks of her. She has realized NM gives her weird gifts, tells lies and doesn't do anything at all that is not in her interest. She wants to know why she can't see it and change.

My son is 11, and realizes a lot of this, but it does not affect him the same way. He thinks she has an issue... but is not hurt by it.

I have never talked to them about my parents. I would not have said anything if my daughter had not asked me about it. I basically explained that NM just is that way and we cannot do anything about it and it is likely she will never be any different.

Any insights? Anyone had a similar experience?

Love, Beth

[Sealynx]

Hi Beth,
My sister has had the exact same experience with her daughter. My father lavished attention on her and my mother has to be consistently reminded of things like her birthday, her good report card at school and of course, her feelings. I think you have done just about all you can do, validate your daughter's feelings and allow her to pull away. That is a normal healthy response.

[KatG]

Oh yes, same here.  This was long before I heard about ‘NPD’.  I would tell my kids, ‘gma is just that way, she gets things wrong’.  I said it calmly and matter of fact.  I think adding the 'gets things wrong' really did help them.  They did accept that.  They would come to me and ask for verification when she said something out in left field.   They were about 8/9 when I figured out I absolutely had to be there with them when she was around, otherwise she’d traumatize my son.  But I only buffered and shielded, minimized impact.  We didn’t have the words like your daughter to explain ourselves.  But in order to see grandpa, had to go through her, and grandpa is loved dearly.

They moved south, my kids got older and now my son is down there.  I had thought his being older would have helped.  Well, that works with my daughter (who called her a princess to her face, and is now, needless to say no longer gma’s favorite), but, having recently just realized the connecting dots, I’ve been trying to help get my son more independent.  He’s more susceptible, more impressionable, and now I see not only has she not changed (never will), but realized how negative an impact she has.  I will probably never know some of the damaging things she’s done to them, heck, I’m just now realizing her impact on me.

Your daughter is coming to you for validation of her feelings, of seeing something wrong.  It's great when children see through the bull.  Keep giving her voice, and good luck Beth.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Just wondering ... can you make it HER choice whether she continues to see her grandpa? In other words, say ... "This is the way grandma is. I absolutely know how awful it feels to be around her, because she is my mom and she makes me feel exactly the same way. However, unfortunately grandpa is still married to her and if we see him we have to also see grandma, that's just the way it is. So, which would be better, do you think ... not seeing grandpa OR putting up with grandma?"

Of course then you have to abide by her decision. But if she is the one that makes the decision, perhaps it would make her more impervious to grandma's hurtful behavior. In other words, it's something she COULD escape if she wanted ... but it is something she has CHOSEN to endure because of the benefits (seeing grandpa).

[gratitude28]

Thanks for your replies!
Heart, I think I did what you said without thinking about it. I basically told her what you said - that we would see them as little as possible, and that she did not have to spend time with her (and never at their house again). We also will call my dad on his car phone, as that is a time when he is alone and we have a hope of getting in a word edgewise.
Kat, thanks... I didn't think of it in the terms you said - but I did give her a voice. We weren't given that opportunity. I am grateful that my children have the self esteem to realize it is not their fault.
Seal, thanks too for the validation!