Upset

[Nonameanymore]

I am really upset right now. A relationship ended very badly two months ago. The person I was with, who is still grieving over his divorce, hurt me a great deal.
It took me two years to get over a 21day relationship - the previous one.
It happened that somebody I know for 4 months asked me out and I said 'what the hell, I will give it a chance'. I am pretty aware of the risks entering a new relationship straight away, but I am 40 years old, fully self-supported and given the emotional ordeal I went with this messy relationship (Ami knows a great deal about it and I should have listened to her advice a few months back), I don't think that I owe it to anybody to justify why I entered this new relationship.

This is going to sound really silly but the person who knows about both relationships is the cleaning lady here at the office where I work. It was just Greek easter and I spent it with the new guy (and I had an amazing time) and I am glad I did, rather than waiting home for a phantom of a relationship that ended two months ago. Anyway the cleaning lady just told me off! And I am rather upset because I talk a lot (rewind to a previous post 'can't keep my mouth shut') and found myself today to have to justify my choices to a total stranger...I guess NM comes in a variety of disguises in my life.

Hope this all makes sense but I just wanted to share.
thanks
P.

[Ami]

(((((P)))))    x o x   Ami


CB said something wise in Lupita's post. Things can be part of our journey. That helped me cuz I have a new love, too, and all the UPS and DOWNS lol


                  Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Persephone,

Here's the key:

have to justify my choices

One thing childrenofNs get stuck in is that compulsive "have to" feeling...

When in fact it's really a choice. A boundary practice opportunity...

Does that make sense? Maybe part of your upset is that feeling that you didn't choose to maintain your dignity but felt a compulsion to explain yourself?

I FEEL THAT WAY TOO OFTEN...so it's pot, here...hi kettle!
And I so wish that natural reflexive taking-care-of-oneself, respecting one's rights to make one's own choices...were automatic.

For us, or many of us I believe, it's not. We're learning piano from scratch.

But that doesn't mean one day we won't make harmony.

hugs
Hops

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Persephone))))))))))))))))))))

I hope you feel better soon.

Love, Beth

[swimmer]

I hear you P on the explaining myself.  I think sometimes I get engaged in the oddest conversations over it.  Then I think, there I go again.... And wish I could walk away mid sentence after I do this.

I explain, then people think they should say something back.  Then I'm trying to prove myself over and over.  I think I've invited a lot of bullies into my space at work with this.

What an isolating experience!!! Thx for this thread P   I really thought I was alone, that type of paralyzed alone feeling.

Hope you snap out of it soon if you haven't ready.....   (((((2penny)))))

[Sealynx]

Yep, I can certainly relate to that P. I feel like I have to defend my feelings to everyone. I was bitching to one of my neighbors yesterday about how this other neighbor is my friend one day and ignores me to the next. She laughed because she doesn't think its worth bothering with. She is right! That person is clueless and certainly doesn't sit around worrying about me. While my mother didn't honor my feelings she did make them feel much too important, especially when they didn't agree with hers. It was like I had the ability to ruin her whole day.

I think my need to explain myself comes from this same assumption, that my carefully explaining myself if very important to the other person and their opinion of me. What I've learned is the some people will listen politely and others will cut me off. The bottom line is that my obsessive need to explain is just not that important to most people unless they have recently experienced a similar incident. Your cleaning lady was probably in a bitchy mood that had zero to do with you. It was just a bad time to talk to her, not a reflection on you.

[Nonameanymore]

Thanks for the replies you guys,
What upset me the most was that she said something along the lines 'do you really want my opinion, because it will sound really insulting but I have to say it'. I think it had to do with her liking first guy over second better, but as said, first guy made me go through hell these last two months. Anyway, just so you know how much of a people pleaser I am, after she sort of insulted me, I found out that she had lost her mobile phone, and because I happen to have a spare, I offered it to her! Go figure...
Anyway, I am doing better today. I guess litte by little, EVENTUALLY, I will learn to share less with total strangers....

P xxx

[bearwithme]

Anyway the cleaning lady just told me off! And I am rather upset because I talk a lot (rewind to a previous post 'can't keep my mouth shut') and found myself today to have to justify my choices to a total stranger...I guess NM comes in a variety of disguises in my life.

Yes, yes, yes!!  I remember the "can't keep my mouth shut" posts.  **sigh** Don't know what to tell you but I learn my lessons very slooooooowwwwwwllllyyyyy and that cleaning lady would be just another person I would gab to about things that are "none of her damn business."  So why do we do it????  I hate it as well. 

Here is something interesting I found out.  This is IMHO---- I believe the whole "can't keep my mouth shut" habit has much to do with anxiety and deep-seeded feelings of high-adrenaline anxiety, like always having to be on "high alert."  Something I had to learn to survive my NM's rage and abuse.  Well, I found something out by accident.  I have a terrible fear of flying and asked my doctor what I should do for my 5 hour flight to go see my in-laws.  He gave a very low dose medication for anxiety and said that I would be fine.  I took it one hour before my flight and had the most comfortable and relaxing flight without feeling foggy, buzzed or anxious in the least bit.  I was able to have calm conversations and even fell asleep for about 30 minutes. 

Anyway, when my in-laws picked me up (I'm always a bit anxious/nervous around them as they always ask me questions and they are a very tight-knit family and I sometimes feel like an outsider, etc.) I did not "feel the need" to explain anything or overtalk the subjects. I was calm and very brief in my conversations and quite honestly "I couldn't have given a rat's ass" about  what they thought about me, or anybody for that matter.  So, when we got to my in-laws house, my husband's whole family was there all the brothers and sisters and kids and aunts and uncles, etc., and I was like, "hmmfff, who cares!" I just smiled and had a good time without feeling horribly inept and when someone asked my a question, I stuck to the subject matter and never "offered more than what they bargained for." 

It was the BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD!!

So Persephone, I know your situation like it's my own.  I don't know for sure if you even feel anxious when you over-explain things, but I do.  I truly believe that it is tied in with my level of anxiety and to control it without meds must be an art because I'm still trying to do this.

You are a good person and that cleaning lady is just weird.  Sorry.  But I think she has some issues herself (boundaries???)

All the best to you and you did the right thing.

Here's to keeping our mouth shut!!

Bear.

[Nonameanymore]

Thanks so much Bear.

Your story is hilarious - it sort of reminded me of that movie with Goldie Hawn and (Tom Selleck?) - they are writers and friends, then they decide to get married. When she visits the in laws she is going nuts and her husband gives her a valium. She is happy and says all the time 'I took a Valium', untill she has taken so many that she passes out!

Over-explaining - that's the word! Thanks Bear.
Btw, last night I fell into yet another trap and talked a lot with a friend about this new relationship. But hey, today is another day, a chance to start over TRYING to keep my mouth shut. Maybe I will do better this time.

P xxx