Holiday madness and shunning

[seastorm]

Its Easter here and a three day weekend.

I went to a Mad Hatters Tea party at this lovely restaurent farm. There were about eight women with hats and they were fabulous. I just loved it. Lots of laughing  and sharing. Met two new women artists and we became friendly immediately. There was also a woman selling heritage seeds and advertising a workshop on strawcob houses. I love stuff like that.

So this was very affirming.  There was a guy at the table and he was sort of obviously ga ga about one of my friends. I hate being around that energy. My friend started talking baby talk. She does not like him but she likes to reel guys in and then dump them. It is not attractive at all and all her friends pity the poor guys. She is oblivious to this pattern. Curiously, she reels in lesbians too and has mentioned that she has never really been in love and feels she might try being with a woman. So these poor lesbians get the same reel them in and dump them movie too.  You can tell when one of her victims feels that this temptress is the only person in the room and all others are not there. Like they are really used to being the centre of this Ns attention.
I was busy socializing and then my best friend came in with another friend and I was shocked to see them as we usually go places together. For some reason this really hurt.  I could hardly look at them.

Now I was having a delightful time. It was full of people and ideas and lovely things including felt hats and home made pies etc.
When I left I burst into tears.  I think it was because Easter was a time my mom paid attention to me and my sister by buying us nice outfits. Hats, shoes, coat all matching and nice. Even gloves. This was so unlike her. But obviously it was like her because we had the gear.  I realized that I am really subject to feeling shunned.  I have to fight this.  It is one of the reasons I am on stress leave. I go from school to school as a consultant and counsellor and so dont connect with the teachers in any way that builds relationship. I am an outsider. This is not good for me at all. I like to connect with people.

Over the years I have felt very excluded in the staff rooms. They act like I am invisible at every school. Now I know that part of that is that I dont like what they talk about. It just seems to me that the conversations are painfully inane, but there is an unspoken agreement that they wont go to any depth. So  I gave up and made friends outside of school. My friends are definately not teachers. They like art and dressing up and singing and dancing and being spontaneous and working at a job as little as possible.

Anyway, I got that old feeling that even though people were nice to me,no one liked me. If anyone saw the scene unwind, I dont think they would see me as shunable. No one deserves that anyway. If I saw that happening to someone I would intervene unless they were violent.  

Maybe it shows that I am off work for good reason. That I am really burned out, wind out of my sails, feeling like a beaten dog burned out.   I put myself out there at the party and it was too much.  Boy I have to watch that I dont sabotage my relationships by my out of control low self esteem.

Holidays are usually hell for me. They bring up all my old fears and pain and it is not at all clear what is what but the distortions that result from this are grotesque and frightening. I feel about four years old.
I hope I shake out these wrinkle soon.

If anyone can relate to this I would like to hear from them. I sometimes feel shunned on this board too. Probably that is in my head too.

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

(((((((Sea))))))))

I'm so sorry you're feeling this unconnected.
I've always heard you as a kind, smart, connecting kind of person.
You've written many responses here that show what a fine friend you'd be.

That fear of shunning sounds intense and destabilizing.
How can you ever enjoy things if you've got such a radar for rejection?

I agree, you need community.
If you're not getting it from work, is there an appropriate church you could bond with?
That's been the answer in my life. Where my core Phamily is.
It has stabilized me so much. I belong somewhere.
(I'm not Christian, but the UU is roomy enough for my spacey individual theology.)

You deserve belonging, not just isolated incidents of bonding with others.
Something steadier, that's knitted into your life, always there to turn to.
It's even the regularity of it, that helps.

When you have that, then a special day like the one you described is a joy,
but not rescue of your self-image. (That's fine, tended to by regular healthy bonding.)

Make any sense?

love,
Hops
PS--I shun holidays. Holiday management took me years to figure out. Now it's really okay.
I refuse to dread certain calendar days for the rest of my life because there are cultural assumptions about happiness that I can't meet. So I've learned to way way underexperience them, make the biggies my own in small private (or volunteering) ways. And now, I'm insulated from that hurt. Pretty reliably. But it really did take a lot of conscious resistance and building shields and planning distractions.

[Logy]

Seastorm,

How your comments touched me!  I can relate to both the madness and the shunning.  Don't feel you are alone!!! Either of these issues are painful.  When they are combined it seems to suck your breath away. 

When I was a child, Easter was a big deal for my family.  All dressed up, looking perfect for the church folks.  Then when I was in high school, suddenly NM and dad stopped going to church (NM learned the pastor had an affair.  Judging. again).  So it became not a whole lot other than eating chocolate.  Now NM is over-involved with church again (she is now a deacon- glory be to her) and she is trying to make Easter a big deal with the family, almost like we are kids again.  I watched home video recently of our family at Easter.  I was about 6.  First shot - NM standing next to all the kids.  We were perfect little soldiers, all lined up, looking perfect, with NM dressed to the nines, head held high.  All the kids, 6, 4 and 3 years old, looking at her like "are we behaving ok?".  Next shot, Dad, in his suit, sitting on the porch and all the kids climbing all over him, happy, free.  Holidays have always been about having that "Norman Rockwell" moment.  Everything orchestrated.  I hate holidays because of this.

Shunning.  I have felt like this most of my life.  It didn't matter whether it was school, neighbors, friends, work.  The teacher ridicules you in front of the whole class.  The person you thought was your best friend ignores the plans you made with her to go out with someone else.  NM even cancels plans with you if she isn't the center of attention in the event.  In company meetings, if I spoke up, it was like I was invisible.  Like the words never left my mouth.  Everyone else continued with the dialogue.
I share your pain.

[Logy]

Oh, Sea,
Another thought.  My ex once told me that none of my friends liked me.  They just used me for what they needed.  I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed for an hour after he said that.  When I came out he was reclining on the bed, totally detached.  I told him that he knew nothing about my friends and what they felt.  He said that was true.  But I still cry when I think about this moment.  Why do we let these abusers make us feel shunned by society?

[river]

I definately relate Sea.

[Portia]

Hi ((((Seastorm)))), that sounds awful. I don't know why people choose to do the shunning thing, but I know it from observation. It disgusts me. It's probably envy at work (in the shunners). Or fear, or competitiveness.

Can't say I've really suffered from your feelings though. Having grown up around a lot of idiotic behaviour, I'm used to people doing stupid senseless things. I guess it's what people do. Best not to get involved in those games/activities I think; I don't feel as though I'm losing out.

What do you think you're missing out on Seastorm? Are you really missing out?

I like this: It just seems to me that the conversations are painfully inane

well they probably are inane. Do you really want to join in/be accepted in this?

PS. If you *do* want to join in, then you have to learn to play the game. There's no right or wrong about it, it's just knowing what you want.