Friends you don't want to be friends with

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

I've just been thinking about friendships a lot the last few days and thought I would post what's wandering around in my head and see if anyone else has similar thoughts/feelings?

I am very lucky to have a lot of friends and acquantainces.  I have noticed recently that some of my friends have N traits - I'm not suggesting they all have personality disorders but there are a few who are quite focused on themselves, quite selfish, rather material and quite pessimistic.  Bizarrely, I have much stronger desires to interact with and be around these people than I do my other friends who are reliable, trustworthy, honest and generous.

I'm assuming this goes back to being drawn to what you know, and I think half the change comes just from recognising what you are doing - now I've seen it I can make a conscious effort to focus on my nicer friends and cut down on contact with the me me me brigade.  But oddly enough I feel more obliged to see the people I like the least and I'm having to really wrestle with myself to call people I just want to spend time with, rather than those I feel I ought to.


Anyone else do this? xx

[SilverLining]

I'm assuming this goes back to being drawn to what you know, and I think half the change comes just from recognising what you are doing - now I've seen it I can make a conscious effort to focus on my nicer friends and cut down on contact with the me me me brigade.  But oddly enough I feel more obliged to see the people I like the least and I'm having to really wrestle with myself to call people I just want to spend time with, rather than those I feel I ought to.

Hi Penny.  I've had the experience of feeling obligated to contact and put up with N-ish (anti)friends.  I suspect it's a replay of childhood patterns.  In childhood I had to be the emotional adult and put with N-ish relationships in order to physically survive.   Now contact with Nish people brings up the same insecurity.  It dawned on me one day that dealing with a particular antifriend brought up the same feelings in me as dealing with my father.  This guy has the same self absorbed relationship patterns.  I've been trying to think of it as an opportunity to relearn how to deal with N-ish others.  My adult choice is to keep these so called friends at arms length.

[Logy]

I have also done this.  I also tend to have people that I feel close to who are not true, gentle friends.  Seems those that I have the most contact with are also those who demand the most from me. 

I have had a friend for 18 years.  We have worked at two companies together.  I hired her at the second company.  At one time at the second company she was my boss.  That period was particularly rough for me, as I began to recognize her narcissism.  Thankfully, she was moved to a different department and I took her place in our department.  With some separation I was able to avoid her energy-sucking behavior.  Recently, after about a year of separation (which involved her calling occasionally, talking about her problems and needling me about how she can get back to my department in which I listened but didn't comment) she called with a more open "how are you?" attitude.  I felt drawn into more personal discussion and talked about my issues.  Things INSTANTLY turned back to her and how she is suffering.  Wasn't interesting in hearing about me at all.  It was a momentary sharing moment and then immediately back to things as usual.  I felt strong to not be drawn into her web again.  And I doubt she will call again.

So my issue at this time is how do I begin to feel comfortable around those who are NOT manipulative and controlling.  I know some of those people but I avoid them.  The comments about not feeling comfortable with what you don't know has hit a spot with me.  I am at a point in my life where I feel very alone.  I have rejected those that use and abuse me but don't know how to connect and feel close to those that don't.

[Nonameanymore]

Hi TaP,

I am struggling with friendships the last few years. Ironically the more unaware I was about N issues, the better I got along with people. But it was also codependency etc.
I think it has to do with me doing a lot of changing, and so did others (I am talking about old friends in Greece when I returned after 10 years).
I have the same problem with you - I don't feel comfortable around people who are nice, generous and giving. I guess I go for the 'bad guy' in all sorts of relationships...

Thanks for bringing up the issue, it's very interesting that 'we' follow certain behaviours...

I am at work and have been trying to type this post for two hours now with interruptions, so I hope it makes sense!

P xx

[SilverLining]

Thinking about some of the N friendships I've been involved with,  it becomes clear they were often "easy" relationships to begin with, because the N's know how to troll for victims.   Some of the worst relationships I've had were with people who were too friendly, and too inviting right from the start.  Only later did the N-ish agenda start to emerge.  I haven't been very good at finding and connecting with others who don't have a self absorbed hidden agenda.   Maybe  healthy people are harder to connect with initially because they are more on the alert for potentially destructive relationships?  Those of us with N-ish backgrounds go for the familiar,  and keep replaying the old patterns.     

[nolongeraslave]

Yes, definitely.

It's tough calling someone up and saying "I don't want to be friends anymore," especially when you've been in contact with years...Not to mention when that friend is connected to other friends.

Avoiding them in hopes that they will get the hint hasn't worked either. 

The best advice I've received is to keep setting boundaries with these toxic relationships. They themselves will eventually leave you once they realize their old tricks don't work.