I think I made a mistake

[Ami]

Dear Lupita
 I think you need a real life person to talk to. If you want to talk to me, I will give you my cell phone. I have free 24/7 cell.
                                                                             Ami

[ann3]

Dear Lupita,

I sense a lot of drama in your life.  Can you just say "No" to the drama?  I think you may feel calmer (& happier) if you just refuse to participate in drama.

I agree that therapy with a therapist could be very helpful for you.  I also agree with Izzy about co-dependency & boundaries.  As ACONs, we never learned this growing up, so often, we need to go to therapy to learn about boundaries & co-dependency.  I did & it has helped me a lot.

Perhaps the positive aspect of this is that you will go into therapy & work on your issues so that you can have a happy love relationship.

Wishing you the best,
ann

[Lupita]

Noboy saw what I felt unfair.

I could not give up the dancing close.

It was me. I can say, I accept this man dancing close with other women or I do not accept this man dancing close with other women.

He feels I have to get used to his flirting and his dancing close.

I dicide I cant.

The other bad thing is that I suffer when he is giving affection to another woman. I wanted to be the only one. I cannot believe that nobody agreed with me that he did something bad by constantly showing me how women chase him. He needs women to chase him, of he will feel bad or bored. I think that is bad.

[Ami]

What is his Astrological sign?
Is he a fire sign--Leo, Aries or Sagitterius?
 I am thinking Leo.
Astrology aside, some men need to flirt cuz it is part of their make-up.
They have no intention of taking it beyond that.
This could be mainly your FOO issue. It is VERY hard to separate our past feelings from present reality. I think that is your problem in a nutshell.
 If you could find the means to separate the threads of yarn in the spool from each other. Past goes in one pile. Present in another, you could heal.
 I say this as a fellow journeyer,of course.
                       Ami

[CB123]

Hi Lupita,

I dont think it matters if anyone agrees with you.  You are the one who has to live with (or not) the situation.  If this is undoable for you, the best thing you can do is move on to something or someone who gives you less stress. 

I think you might be looking for a moral absolute in all of this, and I dont think there is one.  You two are at the very beginning of your relationship and this is the time when you both need to be looking closely at whether or not the other person is right for you.  If he doesnt come to the same conclusions about dancing that you do--on his own, with his own convictions--then you will just be forcing him to live by your convictions.  He doesnt want to do that and he doesnt want to talk about it any more.  You have to respect his right to make those decisions, and he has to respect your right to make yours. 

I have found that women like to talk things out and get to the bottom of things.  We are so verbal.  Men dont like to solve problems by talking (some exceptions, of course).  What he is expressing in his email may be simply that, rather than evidence that he doesnt care for you.

But that is neither here nor there...you have tried and you cant live with the situation the way it is.  It's time to move on.

Love
CB

[lighter]

Lupe:  Your boundaries seem to conflict with your bf's boundaries.

It's not necessarily about love or respect or following new rules.....

it could be that you're both OK, but not well suited to each other.

I was so glad you had that relationship, but it's no good if you're miserable.

In any case, this is learning and growing for you, not the end.

(((Lupita)))  You're lovely and talented and full of life...... cry, roll around in the sadness, but then remember to walk and feel the sun on your face too.

Remember to count your blessings and be present in the moment.

This man is not YOUR ENTIRE LIFE, and you'll be just fine.  Please remember that.

BTW, are you seeing aT?

[seastorm]

Lupe..... You have grown silent after that storm of postings. I really hope you are ok and I send you lots of love.

You have such a big heart and so much passion. Life can really suck for people with those qualities. The questionaire mentioned on a couple of other posts here might be a good idea since you are struggling to make sense of your relationship with the new guy.

Hope you are being really really good to yourself.

sea storm

[Lupita]

Sea storm, what questionaire? What post? I need it, what questionmare?


What questionaire seastorm?????????????????????????????

[seastorm]

The person who developed the questionaire is named Gavin de Becker. He was on Oprah Winfree talking about a woman who was terribly attacked by her ex husband.  He asks forty eight questions and then there is a score out of 200.
He has a website. I will look into this further and get you more info. Good to watch the video on Oprahs wedsite.


Love,
Sea storm

[seastorm]

Dear Lupita,

The way to get the questionaire is to go to type in OprahWinfrey.com . Then enter Gavin de becker questionaire in the box for searching programs. You can take this indepth assessment right there. I hope this helps.

Sea storm

[CB123]

Hi Lupita,

I am so glad you are going to have some one to sort this out with.  I have been lost in these kinds of confusing, scarey thoughts before and it is truly suffocating.  I have so much sympathy for you...

I think that this whole situation is going to a catalyst for real understanding of who you are and where you have been.  I think you are going to grow your OWN self...I hope that this relationship turns out to be a strong one that can withstand the turbulence, but even if it isnt you are going to be in a much better place on the other side of this.  Its time for your mother-wound to be healed.

Love you, Lupe
CB

[seastorm]

Yoooooooooooo Whooooooooo Lupita.    Where are you? How ya doin?


Sea storm

[lighter]

Lupita:

I think the kinds of questions that might be helpful are:

Did this man enter into a whirlwind romance, moving faster than you wanted?

Did he push for intimacy and seriouse relationship before you were ready?

Did he respect your NO's, or did he see your NO's as a jumping off point to negotiate?

Does he tell you you're paranoid when you express concerns or does he listen and address your feelings without shaming you?

Does he threaten to end the relationship over every little thing or when he doesn't get his way (when you aren't doing as you're told?)

Does he care just as much about your feelings as he does for his own?

Can he compromise?


Hope you're feeling better ((Lupe.))

[swimmer]

Hi Lupita again:).

Don't worry if nobody agrees with you..... These are your feelings, and you do not have to check with other people to agree with you.  It's always nice to have a cheering section of people, but this is not a guarantee in life.

You sound pretty clear about what you think is right for you.  It sounds like you need courage, if anyone discourages you.... Don't listen to them, and just ignore...

Close your eyes, and think of the way YOU feel without any input from anyone.  You know yourself better than anyone... Focus on your thoughts. 

Lastly, create a bubble shield around yourself.... Imagine unsupportive people bouncing off the shield away from you.

Take care:) 

[Baddaughter]

Noboy saw what I felt unfair.

I could not give up the dancing close.

It was me. I can say, I accept this man dancing close with other women or I do not accept this man dancing close with other women.

He feels I have to get used to his flirting and his dancing close.

I dicide I cant.

The other bad thing is that I suffer when he is giving affection to another woman. I wanted to be the only one. I cannot believe that nobody agreed with me that he did something bad by constantly showing me how women chase him. He needs women to chase him, of he will feel bad or bored. I think that is bad.

I hope it is not that nobody agreed exactly, Lupita -- your pain resonates when I read your posts -- I think they are saying that he can't comprehend what you need / want or else he is deliberately being cruel -- you can't change him, but you can find someone who instinctively knows that the types of displays he lords over you are hurtful and not something they would want to experience.  He does not seem to "get" that you equate the dance with a special intimacy between you and your partner ... (Or does he?)  not to be trifled with, etc.  And the sly trick with the older woman was just cruelty to both of you.  So how can this become something that will ultimately fulfill you?  I hope some wonderful other guy will come along and dance you away to much happiness.  Nobody cares a fig about him and his harem mentality, Lupita.  He's on his own.  But I hope you will count me among the number who is all for you. 

Love, Biddy